Perpetually Peeved


What has one arm and absolutely no bright ideas?
I hate when you have to learn something the hard way.  
 
Like: 
  • never take your contacts out after eating a handful of wasabi almonds
  • don’t drink a dry martini immediately after brushing your teeth
  • you can’t trust a man to throw out a potholder with a hole in it
  • before you leave the bathroom it’s always a good idea to check and make sure your skirt isn’t stuck in your pantyhose
  • don’t assume that bar toilets don’t have lids
  • you probably shouldn’t buy sunblock that comes with a free bottle of aloe vera lotion

I got this by googling "streaky sunburn" - not sure how to credit the photo. :)

I learned that last one back when I first met Mr. Peeved (you know, when I was skinny and cute and fun) and we went to a friend’s wedding in Charleston.  I also learned that you should never try to pee in a public restroom while drunk and wearing a pair of roller skates.  Alas, that is a story for another time.  Despite the fact that we had remembered every last thing, including the gin, the tonic, the limes and the roller skates, we somehow forgot to pack sunblock.  So, we did what any self-respecting beach partiers would do… we picked some up at the local gas station. 

On the third day, as we’re getting ready for the wedding:

Mr. Peeved:  Baby, you look beautiful.

Peeved:  Thanks.  Can you zip me up?

Mr. Peeved:  Sure.  Hey, you look a little pink – did you wear sunblock yesterday?

Peeved:  Yeah.  Does it look bad with the green dress?

Mr. Peeved:  No…  well…  it’s just…

Peeved:  Oh my God! What?

Mr. Peeved:  Did you put it on yourself?

Peeved:  Yes!  What???

Mr. Peeved:  It’s, um, a little streaky is all…

Peeved:  What?  What do you mean? [running over to the mirror]

Mr. Peeved:  It’s not bad…

Peeved:  Holy shit!  I look like a freak!  I have to meet all of your friends for the first time and I look like…

Mr. Peeved:  Like a one-armed retard put on your sunblock?

Peeved:  Where’s my gin & tonic?

Yep, there's a reason I'm posing like that.

Since then, anytime something is done half-assed around the house, we blame it on the one-armed retard.  Not politically correct, I know, but as an inside joke, pretty damned funny.

A few months ago, there must have been an eclipse of a blue moon, because I found myself home alone with a bottle of wine and nothing to do.  Bored, I went to the “bathroom closet” to get things out to paint my nails.  I just so happened to come across a box of Sally Hanson Hair Remover Wax Strips.  I don’t know what these were doing in my closet, as I have never waxed anything but poetic in my entire life.  Well, two glasses of pinot and I’m all about trying out a little bikini wax. 

Have you ever seen 40-Year-Old Virgin?  Steve Carell was not acting.  That shit HURTS!  I tried the first strip…  after pulling myself up off the floor and wiping away my tears, I decided two glasses of pinot wasn’t going to cut it.  I sobered up faster than a 13-year-old when the cops start knocking on the door.  One more glass and I went in for the second and third strip…  JESUSF’INGCHRISTONACOWBOY’SHORSE!!!!!!  That was it.  I was done.  I didn’t care that there was only a few patches of smooth skin, I would rather give birth again than to try to make it work.  The next night, Mr. Peeved and I went out to dinner for his birthday.

Peeved:  Okay, I have to tell you something.

Mr. Peeved:  What did you do now?

Peeved:  Why did I have to do something?

Mr. Peeved:  Because, you’re always doing something.

Peeved:  What’s that supposed to mean?

Mr. Peeved:  Oh, just go ahead, c’mon… what’d you do?

Peeved:  Okay, well…  I had a few glasses of wine last night and I…

****

Mr. Peeved:  Are you serious?  What is wrong with you?

Peeved:  I don’t know, I thought it was a good idea at the time!

Mr. Peeved:  You are unbelievable.  I leave you alone for an hour…

Peeved:  I know, I need help.

Mr. Peeved:  Well, at least now we can say we know who the one-armed retard is.

photo from: http://www.datehookup.com (watch me get flagged at work now)

(A footnote:  before you get all pissed off at me for using the big, bad “R” word, read my About page.  I don’t care what you think, so don’t bother telling me all about it in the comments.  Further, a note for my loyal readers:  sorry I’ve been MIA.  Work and holidays has me in a tizzy.  I’ll try to be better, but everything is okay.  Thanks for your concern and for keeping up the peeve in my absence. )

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19 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I don’t think waxing is that bad…That gives me hope that childbirth will be a breeze.

I always screw up my sunblock. Always. Constant streakiness over here.

Comment by thoughtsappear

If they gave epidurals for waxing, I’d be all over it. ;)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Good grief….you find yourself in some situations like I do….. NO….. I have not gone the Bikini wax route after drinking…(at least that I can remember)….but if I was a woman….that sooooo would have happened to me….. :)

Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh

I’m like the Elaine to your George. :)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Miami certainly would not be your kind of town. The good ol’ Mr. Sunnyshine would turn you into a lobster in 10 minutes. I am immune to it now since I been here for 56 of my 61 years. I use olive oil for lotion and am Mr. Coppertone with white hair.I need to watch it this holiday season because I need to lose 30 pounds or I’ll a beach ball instead of the Sun God when it starts to really warm up in March.

Comment by carldagostino

Sun God? That was funny. :)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I can’t believe you went full retard. :)

I’ve had run-ins with the one-armed retard many times. That bastard ruins everything.

Comment by Amy

Yeah, I figured no one really reads this blog anyway. ;) I did debate on it for a while though.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Ah, screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

Comment by Amy

Amen Amy!

Comment by gallowaygrave

did you read the instructions or just wing it because the technique matters :) Never Pleasant none the less….

Comment by jackie smith

Yes, I read the instructions, but they were printed all blurry. So, I gave up after step 2. ;)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I can only imagine. I dated a girl who actually put in a mouth piece to bite down on for wax removal.

Comment by 1sttime0ffender

Wow. That’s dedication.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Why is it that wine induces one to do thing like:
1. home wax kits
2. hot-oil treatments you only realize afterward were designed for afros
3. eyebrow plucking.

None of the above should be attempted when alcohol has made an entrance.
Hilarious post. Long live the one armed retard!

Comment by wanderingmenace

It also induces me to shop for things that I don’t really need. Like hats and weird art. :)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Hahaha – pal – you have to go to a salon to have that done so there is someone to scream at and mop up the tears. We just weren’t meant to dish out self-inflicted pain. So funny.

Comment by izziedarling

Ummm…OUCH!

Comment by Amanda Hoving

So do you have a sweet little landing strip? Or are you hard core bald? Hope your snizz feels okay by now. ;-)

Comment by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson




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