Perpetually Peeved


Hey Elves – You’re Fired!

I’ve been trying to wrap up all my Christmas shopping by the end of this week.  I plan on spending the time off I have doing fun things around town with the kids, not last-minute running around in crowds.  I HATE crowds.  LOATHE crowds, actually.  I also can’t stand shopping unless it involves margaritas or shoes for me.  So, I’ve been doing a lot of lunch-hour power shopping and stopping in to a single store between picking up the kids and heading home.  The other day, I needed to run into Macy’s for three very specific things:  handbags for Smalls’ teachers.  I knew exactly what I wanted.  I was a woman with a coupon and a mission.

Peeved:  Okay, girls, Mommy has to run into Macy’s real quick and pick up some presents for Smalls’ teachers.

Smalls:  Are we getting them Zhu Zhu Pets?

Peeved:  No, Smalls, I think they’d like purses better.

Smalls:  Oh.  Can we stick a Zhu Zhu Pet in the purse?

Peeved:  No.  Let’s just get them purses and then you can make a nice card for them.

Biggie:  Where are we going?

Peeved:  Macy’s.

Biggie:  Oh, cool.  I totally need skinny jeans.  Macy’s has the best skinny jeans.

Peeved:  We are not shopping for skinny jeans.  We are going to get out of the car, go directly to the purses, select three purses, pay for them and leave.  Understood?

Biggie:  But the skinny jeans are right next to the door closest to the purses. I could just…

Peeved:  Here’s the deal.  Ready?  I just need to grab these things real quick.  You all need to behave because Santa is watching and if you don’t behave you’ll get coal in your stocking.  Smalls, you’re in the stroller.  Biggie, you’re pushing the stroller.  You both stay right next to me and offer your opinions if and only when asked.  I need you to be my elves tonight.  We are not shopping for ourselves, we are shopping for gifts for others.  Got it?  Elves.  Helpers.

Biggie:  Fine!

Smalls:  Fine!

I love elfyourself.com - check it out. :)

*****

A condensed version of the events that took place inside Macy’s on December 13th at approximately 7:03 p.m.:  touch, touch, touch, drop, yell, whine, whine, whine, yell, disappear, reappear, yell, skootch, skootch, skootch the stroller, heart attack – where the hell did Smalls go?, yell, cheer/dance, cheer/dance, cheer/dance, yell, stroller derby, near fatal collision with purse rack, yell, don’t touch your sister-stand right there and don’t move-Smalls get your feet off of the stroller wheels, purchase of the closest three purses, step routine, step routine, step routine, yell, time out in the corner, whine, whine, whine, yell, touch, touch, touch…

****

[In the car on the way home]

Peeved:  I don’t want to hear a word – A WORD! – from either one of you.  Biggie, that was embarrassing and disrespectful.  You are twelve years old and I had to put you in time out in the corner of Macy’s.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  How hard is it to stick your hands in your pockets and behave yourself for five freaking minutes?  I asked you to help me.  You did exactly the opposite.  You think it’s okay to misbehave now because I’ve already done my shopping for you?  Well, you have another thing coming.  Santa doesn’t bring trampolines to kids that don’t behave.  Get my drift?  You need to learn to listen.  I told you not to touch anything and I don’t think there was one item in that store that you didn’t leave a fingerprint on.

Smalls:  Yeah, and she…

Peeved:  I don’t want to hear anything from the Peanut Gallery!

Smalls:  Yeah, well I don’t want to hear anything from the Peanut Butter Jelly Gallery!

Peeved:  Oh no you don’t.  I’m mad at you too.  You were not wearing your listening ears.  Mommy told you to sit in the stroller and what did you do?  You skootched halfway across the store.  I look away for one second and you’re over in Petites walking around with the stroller hanging off your butt.  When we get home, it’s dinner and bed for you.  No show tonight.  Biggie, it’s homework and bed for you, too.  Give me  any lip and I’ll take away your electronics for a week.

****

Peeved:  Here, eat your dinner.

Smalls:  That’s not dinner.  That’s cereal.  I want dinner.

Peeved:  Well, we don’t have anything in the house.  And, after the way you acted in the store, I’m certainly not going food shopping with you.

Smalls:  I want dinner. [lip quiver]  Cereal is not dinner.  [start of cry]  You need to have something with bread for dinner.  [full on crying, now]

Peeved:  Fine!  I’ll go make something out of nothing.

*****

[in the kitchen]

Smalls:  [sobbing in the other room - then... silence]

Peeved:  Smalls…  what are you doing?

Smalls: [in the most pathetic four-year-old voice you can imagine]  Looking at a picture of you [stifled sob] …  when you were happy.

Peeved:  What?

Smalls:  You’re with daddy… [stifled sob]... and …  you’re smiling [full on crying again]

*****

Dear Future Therapist of Biggie & Smalls,

It is all exaggerations and half-truths, I swear.

Sincerely,

Peeved

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30 Comments so far
Leave a comment

your car ride sounds a lot like my car rides do, with one small exception- your children have listening comprehension!

I want to be Smalls teacher! You get them purses! That is the coolest thing ever! The best thing I ever got was a massage and the worst was used slippers (that’s right, I said used).

And tell Smalls- cereal is absolutely an acceptable form of dinner and she will be thankful for that tidbit of information in college and after she has her first baby!!!

Comment by thelifeofjamie

One thing that has surprised me now that I’m a parent: when you warn kids that Santa is watching, they. don’t. care.

It’s shocking. Were we like that when we were kids?

May the rest of your holiday shopping excursions be swift and hassle free!

Comment by 36x37

I am laughing my head off at my desk. That is totally something my son would say to me. And I would have had exactly the same reaction as you after that trip to Macy’s. In fact I felt some deja vu while reading this.

Cereal for dinner is always our back-up meal if we don’t have anything in the house or if I don’t feel like cooking. Plus the kids get to choose cereal twice a week if they don’t want to eat what I’ve prepared.

Comment by tryityoumightlikeit

Dear Future Therapist of Biggie & Smalls,

It is all exaggerations and half-truths, I swear.

You still have plenty of time to exacerbate the damage!

Comment by gallowaygrave

“Looking at a picture of you [stifled sob] … when you were happy.”

Manipulative much? Oh, lord that’s funny.

Comment by Amy

Smalls: [in the most pathetic four-year-old voice you can imagine] Looking at a picture of you [stifled sob] … when you were happy.

- Yes – you should be proud to have such a clever child! Or maybe cunning is what I mean.

(Btw – found you via Carldagastino)

Comment by blackwatertown

She’s more than a little bit of both. Glad to have you. D’Ag is one of my most faithful visitors and quite the funny commentor.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I commensurate completely. Mine put me through the same thing all the time. Carlos is 29 and Cristina is 27 and…..

Comment by carldagostino

I don’t mean back in the day. I mean now. They also have he uncanny ability to call me if the 1-3-8 or the 1-6-8 hits on the numbers that night before, with that “I’m having a little trouble with the electic bill….” “Yeah, I see. OK, come by after 3:30 and I square ya up with a few candles.”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

Lol .. i cant stop laughing.
Your Smalls is a girl after my own heart.
I feel for you (putting her fist in the air).
Seriously… cant stop laughing.

Comment by marina

Love this! “offer your opinions if and only when asked.” I wish that worked!

Ya know, if all of our kids need therapy for similar things, maybe we can get a group discount…

Comment by Paige Morgan

Cereal IS dinner!

Comment by omawarisan

Beautiful

Comment by George Knight

I like how Smalls tries to help by saying, “Yeah, and she….” Thing 2 does that all the time. It’s good to know that when the chips are down the kids would rat each other out in a heartbeat.

Comment by Todd Pack

P.S. Cereal is, too, dinner, unless it’s Cap’n Crunch peanut butter cereal with a couple of chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts. Then, it’s not.

Comment by Todd Pack

Nothing wrong with chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts for dinner.

My 6th sense is an internal sensor for the mention of Pop-Tarts.

Comment by thoughtsappear

“I look away for one second and you’re over in Petites walking around with the stroller hanging off your butt.”

I swear I didn’t laugh at your misfortune when I read that.

Comment by thoughtsappear

hahahahaha
Oh mother-daughter shopping bonding time.
Fun for all parties, no doubt about that.
I love the part where you remind her how embarassing it is to put your daughter in time out in a macys.
so funny.

Comment by wanderingmenace

How long do you think the Santa threat will work? I just started it this year!

Comment by apieceofthepiehole

oh mannn, you had me cracking up. Love your writing.

Comment by The Cheeky Bride

Merry Christmas, Peeved … your post reminds me of so much – yikes! xo iz

Comment by izziedarling

Hope you had a Merry Christmas, too Iz!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Merry Christmas Peeved and Peeved family! :)

Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh

To you as well, although from the bits that I was able to catch, it seems yours was a little delayed!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

You just get betterer and betterer. Happy New year to you and the entire Peeved family. And bless the kids’ future therapists. ;-)

Comment by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

Thank you! Same to you and yours.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I love the condensed version of events. You really know how to weave a tale. I feel like I was actually there.

Comment by shoutabyss

Just thank goodness you weren’t. Hope you had a wonderful holiday season! POOP!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

So, did Santa come after all or was he too peeved???

Comment by Expressmom

There’s no peeve a little Chianti can’t cure. :) He showed up in full force.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved




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