Perpetually Peeved

Is that a banana seat in your ass or are you just trying to piss me off?

Bicycles.  Just the word makes me cringe.  So, I’ve decided to come up with my own rules of the road for cyclists:

1.  Don’t drive on the street.  You are NOT as fast as a car.  If I wanted to get where I was going at 14 miles an hour, I would have hitched a trailer to the back of your bike.

2.  Don’t wear spandex.  I don’t need to know the size of the nuts you’re bruising and it doesn’t make you any faster than the other dumbasses who aren’t wearing it.

3.  Don’t bother with the hand signals.  Only you rejects know what the hell they mean.  You’re just distracting me and I’m more likely to accidentally “tap” you with my car.

4.  Follow the rules of the road.  If you insist upon riding in the street like a car, then obey the rules of the road.  If I speed up and finally get around you, don’t blow through the red light so I have to do it all over again.

5.  Don’t admire each others paint jobs.  Cyclists are like women who need to pee, they’re rarely alone.  If you are riding with a partner, don’t ride next to each other.  You’re just tempting me to kill two birds with one stone.

Finally, for the newbies out there (car break down, DUI?): 

6.  Get in shape before you start riding.  If your ass is three times the width of the bicyle seat, you shouldn’t be riding one.

Just so I’m not picking on cyclists too much, there are worse things.  Like when you are stuck behind a car that is stuck behind two cyclists and is too chickenshit to pass them, so decides to drive 10 miles an hour while straddling two lanes.  Took this shot on my way home today.  It’s a little blurry because the road rage triggered my Tourette’s.


They drove like this for a good half mile.

5 Comments so far
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You know what else pisses me off? Those damn shirts they wear, where they advertise some food product or beverage; Like the cyclists have legit sponsors…please.

Comment by Chad

You really make me laugh. Try being married to a serious cyclist – the bikes cost more than a car, it’s all about them – on and off the bike, and I could go on but I don’t have that problem anymore. Woo Hoo. And taking up the road is an entitlement issue.

Comment by izziedarling

I hate bicyclists. Especially when they ride on roads with no shoulder or ride down the middle of a lane and I can’t get around them. Love your blog!

Comment by thoughtsappear

Me too! As if that’s not obvious. Thanks for the compliment. I always love to know there are other people who appreciate snark out there.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

[…] We have explored some of those things here at PP before: why people buy snuggies; why fat people ride bikes; why douches don’t realize they’re douches; why Starbucks employees keep asking me if I […]

Pingback by Low Brow, But I Rock a Little Know-How « Perpetually Peeved

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