Perpetually Peeved

Who died and made you Padma Lakshmi?

I have this random hatred for Yelpers.  Well, specifically Yelpers who write inane restaurant reviews.  It seems like everyone these days is a food critic.  Now, I love food.  I eat like it’s going out of style.  I have to warn waiters that I’m going to order like an idiot, lest they think I have a party of 4 joining me.  I have to admit, I critique the food.  Of course I do.  I just don’t open up a Yelp account about it.  Because here’s the thing…  while I love to eat, I can’t cook a thing.  I can’t boil water without it spilling all over the stove.  So, who am I to criticize someone publicly for not having enough citrus in their endive salad?  Shit, I wouldn’t be able to find endive in the farmer’s market if you paid me a million bucks. 

What really pisses me off about these self-proclaimed “foodies” is they feel the need to rate things and rip shit apart when they themselves couldn’t even come close to creating what they’re critiquing.  It’s a freaking epidemic – watch Food Network and all of a sudden you’re an expert.  It’s like Padma Lakshmi cloned herself and instructed them all to start Yelp accounts.  Where the hell did she come from and what does she know about cooking? 

The worst is when people post a review and it starts something like this, “Haven’t been to this restaurant yet…”  Wait.  What??  You haven’t even been there and you have an opinion?  Good gravy people, haven’t you heard opinions are like assholes?  Yes, everybody has one –  it doesn’t mean the world wants to see it or hear it. 

Here’s an idea… did you go to eat someplace?  Was it edible?  Was it maybe even good (just not “perfect”)?  Did you not have to make it your damn self?  Yes?  Then quit your bitching! That’s 5 stars in my book. 

Or, better yet, how about they make Yelp comments reciprocal?  “Yes, my endive needed a bit more citrus, but this douchebag had 3 too many drinks, talked with his mouth full, stuck his friend with more than his share of the bill and tipped like shit to boot.”  Only seems fair to me. 

My favorite food - Boysenberry Syrup

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[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Franz. Franz said: OMG FOR REAL. ATTENTION: YELPERS. […]

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My aged Sicilian Grandma came down from Staten Island to visit us in Miami when I was a little boy(I think Ike was President). “On a jekka”(727), I might add. Mom asked if she ate anything and she said no having had only a cup of coffee. Mom asked how it tasted “Likka shit,” Grandma said. “And you drank it all.Why?’ asked mom. “Becausa I no wanna maka da lady feel bad.”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

I think it may be an Italian, New York thing. I would drink the whole thing too – but, not to make spare her feelings, I would drink it so I could bitch about it later. I do that. I know, I’m working on it. When I was a waitress at Red Lobster on Long Island, this guy came in and ordered Cajun Catfish and then proceeded to grab his throat and roll around in the aisle of the restaurant coughing and pretending he was going to die from ingestion of spicy fish. He said, “I don’t really do spice well.” Then why in the sam hell did you order CAJUN catfish??? New Yorkers, we like to complain. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

oh my god! i love you. no really. what the hell is with all this foodie bs? i know i have a food blog, but it’s because i love food. that’s all. but just because i love food does not make me a foodie. i leave that title to true gourmands, chefs, and the truly food educated. the rest of these schmos can all suck it. they can take their stupid kale and endive and pretend they’re food snobs. i’ll be in the corner eating my little debbie oatmeal creme pies.

Comment by katie o.

Mmm… Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies… Drakes Cakes – Funny Bones, Yodels or Coffee Cake… I can’t wait to go visit NY. I knew someone would appreciate this. My husband is in the restaurant business and this just drives us both insane. We eat out a lot. We’ve eaten at some really amazing places. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate Waffle House too.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

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