Perpetually Peeved


U is for umbrella, useless

I don’t mind the rain, I just hate having to do shit when it’s raining outside.  If I could stay in bed with coffee and a good book, it could rain every day for all I care.  When I have to look presentable (hair & heels – I have a meeting today), don’t have a garage and don’t have covered parking at the daycare, the rain can F off.  It’s not even the rain, per se, that gets me riled.  It’s more like the useless excuse for an invention called an umbrella.  In an effort to more positively vent my frustrations this Friday (I decided that anti-peeve shit was not working for me), I will present to you an ode to the umbrella.  An acrostic, if you will. 

Using an umbrella might be fun; if they were ever in the 

M‘fing place you needed one; 

But, it isn’t – that’s the hitch; so you better 

Run quickly bitch. 

Even if it were, alas,… the water would 

Leak all down your back into the crack of your ass. 

Look down, too – there’s a craptastic puddle waiting to splash up at you. 

And should luck have gotten you there bone dry, that 

Shit won’t last long- go ‘head, get in the car, just try. 

Okay, that was the shittiest thing I’ve ever written.  Positivity is so unbecoming on me.  What I’m trying to say is…  Just once, (once!), I would like the GD umbrella to be where I need it, when I need it.  I would like to make it the 15 feet from my front door to the car without the water leaking down the back of the umbrella onto my ass, which I have to sit on for the next 45 minutes.  I would like to not have to wade through a 2 inch puddle at the bottom of the porch stairs in my beautiful new Guess heels.  And, I would pay MONEY, good frickin’ MONEY, if I could figure out a way to get into the car without defeating the whole GD purpose of having an umbrella. 

I don't know what the hell this is, but I'd be willing to try if it meant not getting rain in the crack of my ass. Also, who the hell doesn't need "wings for your arms" on a rainy day? Photo courtesy of ufocap.com

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13 Comments so far
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A rant of quality, IMHO.

I wonder if the new “bottom dweller” category of blog might be suitable for you, it is me. Hop to Loons place;

http://frigginloon.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/im-a-bottom-dwelling-blogger-and-proud-of-it/

Comment by Dave Hambidge

I did see that on Loon’s and your blog. I may do a post this weekend, especially since I just saw the same blog posted on FP for the second time this month. I’m still so new, I’m trying to learn patience. 🙂 Perhaps we can get that Bear guy to draw an image that would fit on the sidebar of our blogs – to remain permanently?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

He has, the logo at Loons can be copied and moved anywhere you want!

Comment by Dave Hambidge

don’t use them much anymore. Who knows maybe I look better wet. I’ve been told I’m all wet before.
Just a suggestion – multiple umbrellas – keep one in the house, car, office. You just need to remember to put them back later or you’ll have 3 umbrellas in the wrong place and another post to rant about.

Comment by lisleman

Actually, that’s what sparked this rant. I swear I have about 6. But, never when I need one.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

You know what I hate, when you get your friggn finger pinched trying to open or close the damn thing.
But I do enjoy watch other people have umbrella malfunctions, especially the reversal maneuver where the wind blows it inside out. Priceless entertainment.

Comment by frigginloon

That’s true. Forgot about the finger pinching. Love a good laugh at another person’s expense. Big fan of slapstick humor (i.e., people falling on their asses).

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Ha, I’m with you on the inability of umbrellas to be in the place you most want them

I carry one in the boot of my car so I always know where it is – trouble is I get drowned before I get the f*cker out of the boot.

Have you noticed too that umbrella’s are a bit like socks in a washing machine – they disappear into thin air !

Company I work for is split between two buildings at either end of a street. Management had the bright idea of placing 6 large umbrellas in the foyer of each building – the idea being that in the event of rain, any one having to move from one building to the other would use the umbrella and leave it the foyer of the other building, and vice-versa when going in the opposite direction. Within 2 weeks, all 12 umbrellas had mysteriously vanished !!! Suspicion fell on the ‘golfers’ in the company but no-one confessed. (my suggestion that we waterboard the buggers was turned down) 😦

Comment by duncanr

Hello fellow bottom dweller, thanks for stopping by! I run in to the same issue with the umbrella being in the trunk. It’s a G D conspiracy of uselessness, I swear.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

P.S. Glad to meet a fellow bottom dweller 😆

Comment by duncanr

The creature that abscounds with umbrellas is the same creature that steals a sock from the washing machine every time you do laundry. I do not have suggestions on the umbrella thing, but I beat him at the sock thing because it doesn’t matter if he gets one because all my socks are black now. Perhaps you can call that weatherman on Channel 5 for umbrella security measures. Or you could quite simply run BETWEEN the raindrops. I’m am astonished that such an accomplished poet as yourself did not think of that.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

I could probably try to run through the drops, but I eat — a lot — see anti-peeve post. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Love your ode! I hate umbrellas. I hate carrying them around once I get wherever I’m going. And I hate that even when I have one, I forget I have it and remember once I’m half way to my car and drenched.

Comment by thoughtsappear




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