Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: acrostic, annoying, cranky, drive me up the wall, grating, heels, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, puddle, rain, really shitty poem, sarcastic, umbrella, useless invention, vent, wet
I don’t mind the rain, I just hate having to do shit when it’s raining outside. If I could stay in bed with coffee and a good book, it could rain every day for all I care. When I have to look presentable (hair & heels – I have a meeting today), don’t have a garage and don’t have covered parking at the daycare, the rain can F off. It’s not even the rain, per se, that gets me riled. It’s more like the useless excuse for an invention called an umbrella. In an effort to more positively vent my frustrations this Friday (I decided that anti-peeve shit was not working for me), I will present to you an ode to the umbrella. An acrostic, if you will.
Using an umbrella might be fun; if they were ever in the
M‘fing place you needed one;
But, it isn’t – that’s the hitch; so you better
Run quickly bitch.
Even if it were, alas,… the water would
Leak all down your back into the crack of your ass.
Look down, too – there’s a craptastic puddle waiting to splash up at you.
And should luck have gotten you there bone dry, that
Shit won’t last long- go ‘head, get in the car, just try.
Okay, that was the shittiest thing I’ve ever written. Positivity is so unbecoming on me. What I’m trying to say is… Just once, (once!), I would like the GD umbrella to be where I need it, when I need it. I would like to make it the 15 feet from my front door to the car without the water leaking down the back of the umbrella onto my ass, which I have to sit on for the next 45 minutes. I would like to not have to wade through a 2 inch puddle at the bottom of the porch stairs in my beautiful new Guess heels. And, I would pay MONEY, good frickin’ MONEY, if I could figure out a way to get into the car without defeating the whole GD purpose of having an umbrella.
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