Perpetually Peeved

Rollin’ in my 5.0

One night my brother-in-law and I stumbled upon the comic genius of Jim Jeffries.  If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying this foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, please google (or bing! or whatever) him and watch some of his videos (NSFW!).  His favorite word is the “c” word — you know the one you can only get away with saying if you have an Australian accent?  Well, he calls everyone the c-word and he does a bit where he says, “you know you’re a c-word if…” ala that redneck comedian guy who I don’t think is smarter than a fifth grader. 

I’m still basking in the glory of the three-day weekend, so I thought we would borrow a page from Mr. Jeffries book and have fun with peeves today.  Douches are my favorite peeve, because while they totally get on my nerves, I also find them thoroughly entertaining in that search-the-internet-for-the-crime-scene-photos-because-you-have-a-bad-case-of-morbid-curiosity way.  Let’s play an interactive game of You Know You’re a Douche If.  I’ll start.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section.  

— You still use the word “dude” on a regular basis. 

— You wear Ed Hardy. 

— You take up two spaces when you park. 

— You know how to fist pump. 

— You are over the age of 12 and you own clothing/accessories/car seat covers with any of the Disney characters and/or Hello Kitty. 

—  You wear a shirt that shows your belly (this applies to both sexes). 

—  You have a victory dance. 

—  You know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby. 

—  It takes you more than 15 minutes to do your hair. 

—  You can’t pass a mirror without looking in it. 

—  You have a vanity plate on your car. 

Yes, 1k fold douche. Congrats.


—  You wear Uggs (double douche if you wear them with a mini-skirt). 

—  You can’t laugh at yourself. 

—  You drive a Hummer. 

—  You special order every time you’re at a restaurant. 

—  You wear socks with sandals. 

—  Your tan is the color of an Oompa Loompa. 

—  You have a tribal/barbed wire/some other language you don’t speak tattoo . 

—  Your dog has a wardrobe, a nanny and a regular playgroup. 

—  You wear skinny jeans (double douche if you look good in them). 

—  You call people older than you “kid.” 

—  You pop your collar. 

—  Your friends are all 10 years younger than you. 

—  You’ve done a shot of Jager in the last year. 

—  You drive a Camaro. 

— You have a nickname that ends in “icious” or begins with “The.” 

—  You look/act/think like this guy: 

photo courtesy of


Okay,  my list is probably endless.  I’ll have to add more later, or I’ll never get to work.  What’s on  your list?

24 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Love the list! What about a guy that wears Uggs?

Comment by Pop

– You wear your sunglasses on the back of your neck when indoors
– Your shirts are three sizes too small on purpose
– You own a PBR trucker cap cause you think it’s ironic

Oh, lord, this could be a real time waster!

Comment by Amy

You own a watch worth more than $500.

You sniff your fingers after scratching yourself.

You buy every product Apple makes, regardless of what it is.

You carry a picture of yourself and a pen to sign the pictures, just in case someone wants one.

You track your weight loss by taking pictures of your butt in the mirror.

Comment by writerdood

Thankfully I’m old and live in Britain; most of this post is beyond my ken!

Comment by davehambo

I love each and every one of you. These are making my day!

Come on Dave, everyone knows someone that’s a DB. They’ve been around longer than dinosaurs.

– You own a shirt with an alligator, horse & jockey or penguin on the left chest.

– You acquire alcohol-induced accents

– You have a song as your voice-mail message

– You tell everyone that the watch you own cost you more than $500

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

oh come on….george costanza wasn’t a douche for using “believe it or not george isn’t at home, so leave a message….at the beep” on his answering machine. that was brilliant!

to add to the list…you wear your sunglasses indoors. even after you’ve ridden an elevator.

Comment by katie o.

Oh, I meant a recorded song, not a self generated song. Those are okay.

Sunglasses – yes. Although, what’s douchier – wearing them inside or wearing them on the back of your head?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

-You secretly listen to Justin Bieber

-You like Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly

-You know all the moves to YMCA

– You wear sweats and Nikes but never exercised a day in your life.

– You got a big wooden fork and spoon on your wall

-Your wallet is attached to your jeans by a chain

– you still wear stone washed jeans

– you smell the fruit before you buy it

Comment by frigginloon

“you smell the fruit before you buy it”

Yes! Or, you squeeze the cantaloupe like you know how to tell it’s ripe – Puleeze!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

– You have ever kissed your biceps and/or called them “guns”
– You make sure you get a bench in front of the mirror at the gym so you can see who’s checking you out as you check yourself out
– You go through hair gel faster than toothpaste
– You wink (especially if the wink is combined with “pistol finger” action)

Comment by Amy

Winking! How about doing that up and down eyebrow thing too.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

You think, like me, you have anything to offer on a theology blog with Ivy League Phd’s, bishops,men and women that write books with 87 pages of footnotes, know Greek, Latin and Hebrew,and smarter than God. Well maybe I am not a DB but ought to know when I’m in way over my head as far as brain cells are concerned.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

Peeved, what does the comment before this mean?
Winkers are the biggest douches. Along with telemarketers and mall vermin who want to massage your hand or spray stuff on you.

Comment by izziedarling

I’m pretty sure D’Ag was calling himself out for being a DB, but then retracted his self-depreciation (kind of). He thinks if you comment on an experts blog like you know more than the expert that you’re a douche. I kind of agree.

Ooh. Mall vermin and telemarketers… I’ll give them a break from the DB category (although they will make an appearance later as peeves)– everyone needs to make money somehow. The hand massagers are creepsters, for sure. I have a GREAT story about that, if my husband lets me tell it. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Great stuff. I was going to mention the “kiss the guns” in reference to bicep flexing, but I see that one was just mentioned.

Comment by Slamdunk

Thank you. Just checked out your blog… am adding to my (ever-growing) list of blogs to follow.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Uh-oh…what if the word “dude” only slips out occasionally when I’ve, I mean someone, has had a few too many drinks?

Comment by thoughtsappear

No worries – everyone is a douche when they’ve had a few too many drinks. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

How about this guy? Geez, so glad you are changing in order to help give me strength now and confidence later. Maybe being featured on Freshly Pressed will help you change “millions” of lives for the better. Man, when I turned thirty I just wanted to know when my damn surprise party was. I certainly hope this is tongue-in-cheek.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Um, yeah. Look at his post dated 5/27 (how to you insert a hyperlink in comments?)and I think that will answer all your questions. LOVE your hover-text over the link – “my own house of douche” – excellent!!

Comment by Amy

OH FOR THE LOVE OF VODKA! That blog is like a bad accident – I just can’t stop looking. I think he’s really serious. He has 16 Facebook Fans. 16. Wow. Glad he’s modest.

If you want to link in comments, you can use HTML (a href = “[insert link]” title = “[insert hover text”) (/a href) except use the less than more than signs instead of parens. Okay, back to DoucheWatch 2010.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

[…] Well, I freaking sucked at it.  Majorly.  So besides the fact that vanity plates are a telltale sign of douchery, I also hate them because they make me feel stupid.  I don’t get it.  Isn’t the […]

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