Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, are you smarter than a fifth grader, c word, camaro, comedian, disney, douche, douchebag, drive me up the wall, Dude, ed hardy, fist pump, grating, hello kitty, hummer, ice ice baby, jager, jim jeffries, morbid curiosity, nervous breakdown, oompa loompa, peeve, pet peeves, popped collar, redneck, sarcastic, skinny jeans, tattoo, uggs, vanity plate, vent, victory dance, You Know You're a Douche If
One night my brother-in-law and I stumbled upon the comic genius of Jim Jeffries. If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying this foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, please google (or bing! or whatever) him and watch some of his videos (NSFW!). His favorite word is the “c” word — you know the one you can only get away with saying if you have an Australian accent? Well, he calls everyone the c-word and he does a bit where he says, “you know you’re a c-word if…” ala that redneck comedian guy who I don’t think is smarter than a fifth grader.
I’m still basking in the glory of the three-day weekend, so I thought we would borrow a page from Mr. Jeffries book and have fun with peeves today. Douches are my favorite peeve, because while they totally get on my nerves, I also find them thoroughly entertaining in that search-the-internet-for-the-crime-scene-photos-because-you-have-a-bad-case-of-morbid-curiosity way. Let’s play an interactive game of You Know You’re a Douche If. I’ll start. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
— You still use the word “dude” on a regular basis.
— You wear Ed Hardy.
— You take up two spaces when you park.
— You know how to fist pump.
— You are over the age of 12 and you own clothing/accessories/car seat covers with any of the Disney characters and/or Hello Kitty.
— You wear a shirt that shows your belly (this applies to both sexes).
— You have a victory dance.
— You know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby.
— It takes you more than 15 minutes to do your hair.
— You can’t pass a mirror without looking in it.
— You have a vanity plate on your car.
— You wear Uggs (double douche if you wear them with a mini-skirt).
— You can’t laugh at yourself.
— You drive a Hummer.
— You special order every time you’re at a restaurant.
— You wear socks with sandals.
— Your tan is the color of an Oompa Loompa.
— You have a tribal/barbed wire/some other language you don’t speak tattoo .
— Your dog has a wardrobe, a nanny and a regular playgroup.
— You wear skinny jeans (double douche if you look good in them).
— You call people older than you “kid.”
— You pop your collar.
— Your friends are all 10 years younger than you.
— You’ve done a shot of Jager in the last year.
— You drive a Camaro.
— You have a nickname that ends in “icious” or begins with “The.”
— You look/act/think like this guy:
Okay, my list is probably endless. I’ll have to add more later, or I’ll never get to work. What’s on your list?
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