Perpetually Peeved

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Masochism [mas-uh-kiz-uhm]:

  1. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
  2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
  3. Volunteering to take your 12-year-old Secret Torture Agent to the mall to spend her birthday money (and bringing your 4-year-old Jr. Secret Torture Agent with you).

Okay, so only lists #1 & #2.  But, obviously someone over there has never attempted #3.

Last night I ventured out to suburbia to let Biggie spend some of her birthday and graduation gift certificates.  I will let you guess how long it took for her to spend $325 in two stores.   A hint:  the girl knows what she wants. After the first stop on the torture tour, Justice, where we purchased everything from clothes to mood change nail polish to ZuZu pets** (for Smalls), we headed on over to Abercrombie (the kids version of Abercrombie & Fitch).  At Abercrombie, they sell underwear shorts.

Abercrombie underwear, I mean... shorts.

Now, I understand that at the ripe old age of 33 that I am an unhip curmudgeon by pre-teen standards, but WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY THINKING?  Parents are up in arms about Miley Cyrus (who is 18) gyrating on stage and singing about how she can’t be tamed, but it is okay to market this apparel to pre-teen girls?  The inseam on these shorts has to be less than an inch and they are super low-rise.  And, they come in a size 7. 7!

Me:  No way! Those are ludicris! Biggie, you have underwear bigger than those shorts.

Biggie: Ew! No! Maybe YOU have underwear bigger than those shorts. [eye roll, hand wave, head twist]

Me: We need to get you bigger underwear.

We left the mall, sans underwear shorts and were all starving.  Where to go in suburbia when you want a good meal?  Steak-n-Shake, of course.  They were all out of “regular” cups, so we received our milkshakes in “large” cups.  Now, there is a saying in our household when food is served in a ridiculous portion.  We say, “it was bigger than my head.”  As in, “The burger was so big.  It was bigger than my head.”

I would say about a head and a half.

I don’t even think Jaba the Hut has a bladder that big.  But, at least now I know how I can keep Biggie out of the underwear shorts.

Me:  Biggie, that milkshake is bigger than those shorts.

Biggie:  Yeah, it is. [fit of giggles]

Me: We need to get you bigger milkshakes more often.

**For those of you not in the know (lucky bastards), ZuZu Pets are electronic hamsters that make noises and roll around the house.  They are very realistic, as somehow the ONE I allowed Smalls to get turned into FOUR in the time it took me to pick out a t-shirt for Biggie.  I bet they also come with a squeaky wheel and an auto-setting for “nocturnal.”  Damn Department of Torture, they are inventive.

12 Comments so far
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That is a fecking enormous container (drink not shorts IHTA!)

Comment by davehambo

Seriously, I bet it’s even bigger than your head Dave! 🙂 IHTA — I hasten to add or International Hot Tub Association?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

former, IHTA!

Comment by davehambo

“Biggie: Ew! No! Maybe YOU have underwear bigger than those shorts.”

Check and mate.

And I think I’ll be taking my daughter to some version of Big & Tall to shop b/c the shorts ending where the zipper ends is unacceptable.

Comment by Pop

No joke. Especially when the zipper is 4 inches long.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Was the milkshake more expensive than the undershorts? Had to of been…

Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau

Actually, I don’t think they used any real dairy products (or real cows for that matter). You know you shouldn’t be eating it when you can get 3 milkshakes, 3 fries and 3 burgers (two of which are doubles) for only $20.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

The size of that cup was monstrous. How badly did you have to pee afterwards?? Oh, and I’m glad you were able to convince her to leave without the underwear/shorts. Win.

Comment by pbandchutney

Thanks for coming by! Yes, finally a win. I think we are at Mom=1, Biggie=253.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

The length of some of the shorts I see puzzles me. When the insides of the pockets hang out from beneath the shorts, your shorts are too short.

Comment by thoughtsappear

Remember those jeans that used to have a coin pocket inside the right front pocket? That coin pocket is the same size as the pocket on these under-shorts.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I have two girls and I hate Justice, Ambercrombie, Delia’s, Hollister – you name it. I am definitely turning into a old fart. I hate the loud music and the slutty clothes they have for my girls! They are girls, not street walkers!

Comment by Jenni Engledow

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