Perpetually Peeved

Oh no you donut
June 11, 2010, 12:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This morning, I went to the cafe downstairs got myself a large, hot coffee and an egg and cheese on wheat bagel.  As soon as I settled in and ate half of my bagel, an email comes through, “Krispy Kreme donuts in the breakroom.”  Crap, I’m never going to be skinny.  Because, really, who can resist a warm donut to go with their coffee?  My co-worker, let’s call him “Big Boy” – he loves that – heads over to the breakroom with me.  On the table is an open box of Krispy Kremes:

 Now, being the Northerner I am, I prefer Dunkin Donuts.  But – hey – if it’s covered in chocolate, I’ll eat it.  Not keen on the availabilities in the open box, I spy a closed box laying next to the open one on the table.  Figuring no one would buy two boxes of plain donuts, I start prying open the other box to get what is sure to be a selection of flavorful yummies.  I finally break open the box to see this:

Ah, that’s more like it. 

A nanosecond after the seal of the box is broken, the world goes into slow motion and out of the corner of my eye I see Big Boy’s finger go right for the lone chocolate frosted and I hear, “I wwwaaannnttt ttthhhaaatttt ooonnneee!” as his finger curls around the donut.  I may or may not have screamed, “Nnnnnooooooooooooo!!!!” and then called him a rat bastard as he placed it on his plate.  Now, I could have been a grown up about this, but I am VERY serious about my food.  You don’t mess with my morsels.  There is a code, people, a code!

So, while I should have been enjoying a chocolate covered delight, I was instead looking at this (blueberry donut):

while Big Boy stood in my doorway spewing half-assed apologies and scarfing down this:

Rat bastard, indeed.


1.  I do not want to taste your food.  Please stop trying to give me a bite because what inevitably happens is I enjoy yours more and the rest of my meal is ruined because food envy leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

2.  I do not want to share/split food with you.  You will eat faster than me or more than me and I will feel like I have to scarf it down instead of enjoying it in order to keep up.  Or, if we split it, you will take the “better” half and my mommy won’t be there to make you give it to me so I stop crying.

3.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, take food off my plate without asking.

4.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, take the best bite off of my plate when I do allow you to have a try.  I will prepare the bite for you and provide it to you.

5.  If you come into my house (or, even if you live there) and you eat the last of something, prepare to be thrown out.  Especially if it is something that I have been looking forward to eating all day.  Do not, by any means, tell me:  “It spilled. [pause to flash a big shit-eating grin] Down my throat.” 

6.  Don’t tell me to just pick off the tomatoes.  The idiots got my order wrong and I have a right to be pissed.  If I wanted tomato slime on my burger I would have ordered it that way.

7.  Don’t order the same thing as me.

8.  Don’t tell me something isn’t that spicy because you think I’m being a baby and you want to see my face turn red and my eyeballs pop out of my head from coughing.

9.  Don’t dab your pizza with a napkin or even LOOK at a knife and fork in the vicinity of pizza.  You fold it.  That’s how it’s done.

10.  Don’t start eating the fries in the car.  You know you’re not going to take that container for yourself when you get to the house and I don’t want a 3/4 order.


14 Comments so far
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My wife, Hazel, and I are both great fans op the late Robert B Parker novels in the Spencer series (and almost anything else he writes). Thankyou for showiing us the donouts that fugure so frequently in the stories… I can almost taste them!

Comment by davehambo

Just imagine taking a piece of bread, soaking it in syrup and coating it in sugar. That’s pretty much the recipe. Makes my teeth hurt just thinking about it.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

As I am diabetic, I’m always pissed when they bring doughnuts in, and I have to slink off so that I’m not tempted to eat them. Bastards. Last time they did it, I put a pear and an apple in the box with the doughnuts. I came back when they were gathered around eating and ate the apple.

Comment by writerdood

That makes me very sad, dood.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I could almost smell them through the screen . Tomorrow I will now have to get some almond bear claws @$1.85 each.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

yum… enjoy.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I swear we were separated at birth. Your rules are the typed versions of my thoughts :)Dooooonnnnnuts (in my best Homer Simpson impression).

Comment by Amy

You mean not everyone has the same rules? 😉 You should see the donut they have at this shop nearby… it is a chocolate frosted with peanut butter cups on top and they fill the hole with peanut butter. Genius.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

You know if you only eats the crumbs, there are no calories!!!!

Comment by frigginloon

And if you split it with someone, it’s half the fat. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Those are very basic rules. Well live in a society, dammit! 🙂

Comment by shoutabyss

I love your rules! My mom is famous for saying, “Can I have a bite?” as she’s already stabbed her fork into my meal.

Comment by thoughtsappear

Yes, and mine is famous for saying, “no, I dont want any fries honey” and then eating all mine.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

[…] pie on the platter, it was chocolate bourbon pecan pie.  I promptly threw my left arm in front of Big Boy to block him and, with my right, gently slid the platter directly in front of me.  I got myself a […]

Pingback by While I was sleeping… « Perpetually Peeved

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