Perpetually Peeved


Sit down and shut(ter) up

How I can still manage to get a $35 charge from renting Redbox  movies that are only $1 a day is beyond me.  I put them in my car, meaning to return them, and forget about them until they slide out from under the seat at as I brake for a light.  This morning, out slid Shutter Island.  Which reminded me of Friday night with my mother.  Kids are in bed, wine is poured, movie is in.

0:01   Leonardo DiCaprio is getting sea sick on a boat somewhere.

MOM: Oh, he’s sea sick. That always sucks.

0:02  Leonardo stops blowing chunks, wipes his mouth, puts on his hat.

MOM: What year is this set in?

PEEVED: I don’t know, I’ve never seen the movie before. Why don’t you watch it and find out?

MOM: Looks like the 50s.

0:03  Leo puts on his jacket

MOM: Definitely the 50s.

PEEVED: I’m sure if it is important to the plot, it will come up. Now, be quiet.

 0:04  Leo heads out to the stern to talk to Ruffalo

MOM: I don’t know, maybe the 40’s- look at that tie.

PEEVED: Mom, stop talking. The remotes are out of batteries and I can’t rewind if you talk and miss something.

MOM: Oh, okay. Well, who is he? Is he a cop? Is that his partner?

PEEVED: I DON’T KNOW. STOP TALKING AND YOU’LL FIND OUT!

 0:05  Leo and Ruffalo are shooting the shit

MOM: Oh, he’s a Marshall. Well what the heck are they doing on a boat?

PEEVED: Never. Seen. The. Movie.

MOM: Maybe they’re on a special assignment. I don’t see why they would be on a boat. No, it’s the 50’s.

PEEVED: Ugh.

0:20 Leo is having a discussion with a character that is pivotal to the plot.

MOM: I’m hungry, do you have any popcorn?

PEEVED: Yes, but I have no way to pause the movie. We just ate. Ssshhh!

MOM: (Walking to go raid the kitchen) Oh, okay.

PEEVED: Ma! I have no way to pause it and I’m not telling you what happens.

0:23 Leo concludes his discussion with a character that is pivotal to the plot.

MOM: (heading back in from kitchen) Oh, well, where’s the lady? What did she say?

PEEVED: She said you should sit down and shut up.

MOM: Peeved, that’s not very nice.

PEEVED: Neither is talking during the movie and leaving the room when there is a good scene on.

Okay, but if we were watching the A-Team, it would be true. (Photo from: tshirtplace.co.uk)

0:45 Intense action sequence.

MOM: (answering cell phone) Oh, hi honey, yes, I’m just watching a movie with Peeved. Shutter Island. Oh, it’s great, it’s set in the 50’s and has that cute guy – what’s his name again? – you know, from Titanic…

0:47  Intense action sequence ends.

MOM: (hanging up her cell phone) So, wait, why are they there? What happened to the other guy?

PEEVED: He was abducted by aliens.

MOM: What? I didn’t know this was a Sci-Fi movie.

PEEVED: It’s not, if you were watching, you would have known I was making that up.

MOM: I am watching. Now what are they doing?

PEEVED: (drinking copious amounts of wine)

1:47  Plot is revealing itself.

MOM: (snore, snore, muffle sleep speak, snore, snore)

PEEVED: Mom, wake up and watch the movie.

MOM: (snore, snore) I am awake. (snore, snore)

2:01  Dénouement

MOM: (snore, snore) I knew that was going to happen.

PEEVED: Really?

MOM: What a great movie.

PEEVED: Yeah, it is really good when you actually WATCH it.

This will be my mother next time she wants to watch a movie with me. I'll also have plenty of rope to tie her to the chair. She'll still probably tap out questions in morse code. (photo from http://www.justshutupbc.com/)

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5 Comments so far
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You can avoid all this by drugging everyone into becoming a Flash Gordon fan. The episodes were very short and all us kids went over to the nice Polish lady’s house at the edge of the street who actually owned a TELEVISION right there in the living room under the fading picture of President Roosevelt and we were all very quite because they lasted only about 4 minutes and any one who talked was ray-gunned to death.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

My mother would beat yours, she never, EVER stops talking…

Comment by davehambo

Maybe you can train her with a spray bottle. It works for dogs. Every time she opens her mouth, just squirt her in the face. After a few times of this, you just have to hold up the bottle.

Comment by writerdood

My Mum is like this. Ugh. I do it a bit myself, but my boyfriend threatens me and then I stop. 😀

Comment by blogmella

I watched Shutter Island on Friday night, too. Weird….

My mom is exactly the same way. Always asking questions. Except for the falling asleep part. Usually I’m the one who falls asleep, but only when the movie is bad.

Comment by thoughtsappear




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