Perpetually Peeved

Dear Honda

(coming to you from somewhere in the endless state of North Carolina whose state motto, I’m pretty certain, is “get me the hell out of this car – I can’t feel my legs and am about to beat down the next person who asks ‘how much longer?'” For those not aware, I am road-tripping it to NY with Hubby, Smalls, sister (aJENda), her kids: Eight and Ten, and a masochistic 17 year old that volunteered to babysit in exchange for a week of real pizza.)

Dear Honda,

I understand that the economy has lead to depressed sales lately and concerns over the environment and rising gas prices have especially affected SUV purchases. I know some car companies are offering employee pricing, no interest or even buy one get one free deals. However, I have an idea for a deal no one would be able to refuse. I propose the Honda PAQ.

The Honda PAQ would have the same accoutrements as the Honda Pilot, with a few bonus “extras” to seal the deal.

1- a privacy screen between the driver avd the rest of the vehicle. You may or may not have seen these in limos. The driver and front passenger do not have to hear or see anything they don’t want to.

2- an intercom system between the driver and the back that is set to not transmit any sounds above a certain frequency (read: whining) and any sounds above a certain decibal (read: shouting). It would also have a built in question response identifier: Are We there yet? No, but thank you for asking. How much longer? We will be arriving at our destination in 6 hours, 7 minutes, thank you for your question. Where are we? We are still in the car, thank you for your question.

3- outlets next to each seat in the back so that Leapsters, DS’ and the like stay perpetually charged.

4- shock absorbing seat backs.

5- massaging seats for driver and front passenger.

6- “side” dividers / partitions between the rear seats that eliminate any confusion over where the “line” is.

7- a drain, with hose and funnel.

8- a built in coffee cup warmer.

9- an alarm that sounds any time the front seat passenger falls asleep.

10- a fully stocked bar for the poor adult that has to ride in the rear of privacy screen (again, see limo).

This, like all things named last in the Mastercard commercials, would be priceless. I am sure it would increase sales triple-fold. No rapping minivan families or other marketing ploys. Just “Honda, how much would you pay for some Peace and Quiet?”


12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Oh sh8te, hope you get there soon!

Comment by davehambo

Perhaps you could extort , I mean negotiate, a mere 25 gallons of gas per month voucher as a good faith ongoing partnership between consumer and auto maker. You know, like those quarterly picnics all those dolts that bought Saturns enjoyed except this gas thing would be little more at arms length perpetuating Martin Buber’s I – Thou relationship in the contemporary societal ethos of aloofness. You do have a remarkable bargaining chip here. In exchange for the gas you could promise the little buggers at Honda that you would NOT use your blog in the International Forum to remind everyone in America( which includes Puerto Rico, Israel, Canada and the “bought off” parts of Mexico. And Miami too) about that “little incident” in Hawaii on Dec. 7 a number of years back. Honda has made big bucks here so I say “LET’S MAKE HONDA HOLLER!”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

Is the drain and funnel for what I think it is? You mean we might not have to all wear foley catheters when road-tripping anymore?….Cool! 🙂

Comment by redriverpak

I am just wondering where she wants it placed.

Comment by bearman

I am envisioning a port in the bottom of each seat – kinda like those old fashiony chamber pot chairs. Bear – are u drawing me up a schematic?? 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

totally brilliant. you might want to trademark/copyright/patent this idea. i see it coming to fruition soon.

Comment by katie o.

These were all terrific ideas and I’m sure that Honda will get their R & D division working on it immediately. You know how fucking efficient those Japanese companies are.

I especially like the privacy screen idea.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

I was rather keen on the bar part.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Genuis ideas but won’t come to fruition in time for you to enjoy on this vaca. Ask driver to swing by nearest airport, stop, drop and roll out, board plane and meet them there. Just sayin.

Comment by izziedarling

Thank you all for the comments, if I try to reply to all, I may just barf in the car and that would not be good. Oh shit, someone just farted! Can we get exhausts added with those drains?????? Ugh

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

A massager would be awesome. I second your letter!

Comment by thoughtsappear

I’m sold!! You are brilliant!

Comment by Helle

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