Perpetually Peeved


Tits on a trunk

Overheard at lunch yesterday:  “If that skinny bitch eats one bite of those carbs, I’m just going to give up and kill myself.” 

Dramatic, yes.  But, that’s the way I roll. 

Speaking of rolls, the big trip up North did not help me out in the look-svelte-in-your-bathing-suit category.  I don’t look anything close to svelte in my bathing suit and I even splurged for the one with the built-in fat sucker.  Now, I’m not going to be one of those people who complains about being heavier than I want to be.  That would be a tad hypocritical being that above quote was said over a licked-clean plate of what used to be a short-stack and sausage.  Besides, we all know how I feel about hypocrites.  No, I’m going to be one of those people who complains about skinny little bitches who get to eat whatever they want without having to get on a single treadmill.  

Seriously, though... How am I supposed to say no to this? Veal rolotini. Some of the best stuff I've ever put in my mouth. The canoli dessert was gone before I got to take a picture.

 

I swear, every time I hear one say, “Oh, I’m just naturally skinny,” my Terminator vision kicks in, a target appears on their forehead and I want to blast them to infinity.  The big guns come out when the skinny girl who knows she’s skinny says, “Oh, I’m so fat.  Look at this.” All while trying to squeeze a bit of skin between her fingers. Oh, shut it – I lost more fat than that in a cheek swab.  If you haven’t had kids yet and aren’t over the age of 30, you better watch out.  Karma is a bitch.  I used to be naturally thin.  All my pre-baby life my sister called me “tits on a stick.”  Two babies and a few birthdays later, it’s “tits on a trunk.”  I swear for each time you rub in that you can eat whatever you want, you get a pound of fat that sits right under your bellybutton and never goes away.  Or, maybe this is just my own internal vision of ideal karma. 

Ahhh.... that's more like it!

 

 Department of Torture Patent No. 4783290, a/k/a my treadmill, sits dormant in my office, collecting clothes and dust.  Why?  Because I’m lazy.  And, I’m great at justifying my laziness.  See, when I gain weight it is usually all in my arms, my bust and my waistline.  What’s a treadmill going to do to fix that?  No need to get all sweaty for nothing, right?  Just throw on a low-cut 3/4 sleeve babydoll shirt and hope no one looks down past the cleavage. 

Maybe if they made a workout show where you were kick-boxing a bag that looked like a naturally skinny, carb-loving, skin-pinching, compliment-hunting, little bitch…  hmmm…  I may be on to something here. 

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16 Comments so far
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lol I was the same way when I was younger… skinny with no hips, no boobs. Then puberty kicked in, and hello boobs. Then it was the child bearing hips that came out of nowhere. No longer uber skinny, but now I like to call myself “curvy” 🙂 These love handles aint goin nowhere no matter what!

Comment by pbandchutney

Can I ask a silly question, please? You wrote ” those carbs”, I thought carbs was a generic abbreviation for all carbohydrates. Does it also mean a specific high-carbohydate percentage food? If so, what? Thanks from the ignorant old fool in Britain.

Comment by davehambo

I was using the generic “carbs” in this case to refer to the giant pile of French fries and bread she had on her plate. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Ah, THOSE carbs! Thanks.

Comment by davehambo

Please. Tits on a trunk are nothing compared to tits on a man.

Comment by Pop

Awesome. I’ll keep that in mind. The visual should keep my appetite at bay.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I always stare in shock at skinny people as they pile it away. If I think about ice cream, I gain one pound. Look at ice cream, 2 pounds. Press my face again the ice cream shop’s window, 3 pounds!

Comment by thoughtsappear

Great! Just reading your comment made my butt get bigger. Thanks! 😛

Comment by Pop

uh-oh. Don’t look at Pop’s blog then. The brisket is sure to pack on at least 15.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I just went up a cup-size looking at my brisket.

Comment by Pop

I LOVE carbs. Carbs live in the ocean with fish and seaweed and Mr. Octopus. We get carbs all the time at Pirate Capt. Jim’s Official New Bedford House of Carbs. It’s just off the causeway on the way to Miami Beach. (the toll is now $2). They serve carbs cooked in butter and garlic but the one’s I like best are in a thin marinara sauce. The big problem with carbs, however, is that all the meat part is in their legs and your fingertips get all punctured ripping them apart although they give you these peculiar kind of pliers to help and then you realize that you should have just gotten the salmon like grandma said so in the car on the way over. I also like clam claws and they are almost as good as carbs.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

You are a mess. And, now I want crabs with butter dip.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Overhead? Was that your ears hearing what came out of your own mouth? I’m trying to parse what you wrote and that’s how it seems. If so, +1 FTW! 🙂

Call me a loon, but I’ve never once worried about anyone else’s weight or what they eat. I already know I suck without the external confirmation.

Comment by shoutabyss

Yes. I say “overheard” when I quote myself. I also say “I may or may not have blah, blah, blah” when I know for damn sure I did something. It drives my husband insane. I already know I suck, but I try to alleviate my suckiness by pointing out others. It’s a character flaw. I’m working on it as well as many others. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

You took the words right out of my mouth!!

Comment by Jenni Engledow

Some people think that carbs have something to do with food. What a silly notion indeed. These same people probably think the earth is round and that the earth is older than 6,000 years when Abraham Lincoln got everything started with the Israelites(no relation to the Termites), just after Adamulus and Eva(first people were Italian) really “got started” so to speak. Carbs are part of automobile engines. They have something to do with air and gasoline that makes the motor run which makes the wheels run which enables people to run around town. Ford Henry says he invented carbs but it was really Karl “Mercedes” Benz. Carbs are made of metal and that’s why you can’t eat them(except for that man at the circus). If you eat a carb your guts will get rusted up. Then Grandma will make you wear a garlic necklace, your aunt will wrap a hot onion to your right ear, and your father will scrub you down with octagon soap(which he thinks cures everything from colds to broken limbs).So stay away from carbs so as to not endure Italian home remedies because doctors ‘dunna know nuttin.”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino




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