Smalls (from backseat of car): Mommy, you are a bad person.
Peeved:What? Why am I a bad person?
Smalls: Because you are mean to people.
Peeved: Why am I mean, now?
Smalls: You are always yelling at all the other people in the cars.
Peeved: I’m not always yelling. Sometimes they don’t know how to drive.
Smalls: Are you the only one that knows how to drive?
Smalls: So you need to tell them how to do it?
Where do these people learn how to drive? Yes, folks, a good old-fashioned road rage rant for you today. Top 5 offenses?
1. Driving the speed limit. Everyone knows those radar doohickey things are have a 10-mile-an-hour range of error. That is why you only get a ticket when you are going 10+ miles over. A cop is not going to waste his time on you unless he can really stick it to you good. And, please, if you do want to go the speed limit, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not do it in the left-hand lane. I was driving down the road the other day and saw a car with the license plate (and you know how I love my vanity plates) “SPD LMT” that was driving, you guessed it, exactly the speed limit. I tried to take a picture for you, but the car behind them was so far up their ass I couldn’t get a clear shot.
Good to know. Think DMV has "I POOP" available?
2. All things blinkers. This is a catch-all offense because if you do one, you probably do the others. This offense includes, but is not limited to, driving with your blinker on for miles, not using your blinker (hello, I’m not a fecking mind reader!), putting your blinker on as your making the turn, assuming that because you have your blinker on that you can come into my lane automatically, and any and all other actions that cause me to roll down the window and scream, “USE YOUR GODDAMN DIRECTIONAL!” “WELL, SURE, COME ON OVER!” or “TURN ALREADY, YOU MORON!”
Smalls: Is your window down, Mommy?
Peeved: No, why? Are you hot?
Smalls: No. But, if your window isn’t down, how do they hear you?
Peeved: How does who hear me?
Smalls: The other drivers.
3. Improper use of brakes. What are you stopping for? Phantom red lights? Because I don’t see anything in front of you. Do you think you get better gas mileage by speeding up just to jam on your brakes? Do you like the way the brake lights rosily illuminate the back seat? No? Then why the hell are you treating your brake pedal like a bass drum control? I think fellow blogger PB&J Chutney summed it up best here.
4. Blocking the box. New York passed a law a few years back that prohibits people from “blocking the box.” Just one more reason New York rocks. For those of you not familiar, blocking the box is when the douchebag driver heading east decides to run through the yellow light even though he knows damn well his car is not going to fit through the intersection, thus blocking you who is trying to head north. Let’s use the law of the skinny jeans here: if you can’t fit, don’t.
5. Blowing your horn. If you have time to blow your horn, you have time to get the hell out of the way. There are only two times that it is okay to blow your horn. 1) If someone is backing up and does not see you. 2) If someone is doing their nails, texting, or otherwise not paying attention and needs a little, “hello, the light is green, thank you” reminder of what the hell they are doing in the car. A simple double-tap, friendly beep. Not a honk. And, not 2 seconds after the light turns. Got it?
The game of Pedestrian Points is a lot like scrabble. Ugliness = double letter score; oldness = double word score; slowness = triple letter score; and handicap = triple word score. Hey, I didn't make the rules. By the way NICE PHOTOSHOP JOB ON THAT SECOND PICTURE. No more margaritas at lunch for you. Get yours at zazzle.com
Peeved (yelling at guy jogging in road, right next to sidewalk): Get on the sidewalk!
Smalls: Why are you yelling at that man? Because he needs to get on the sidewalk?
Smalls: Can he hear you?
Peeved: Yes, of course.
Smalls: Why are you yelling at him to get on the sidewalk? Because you don’t want him to get hit by a car?
Peeved: Exactly. (Even if he would have been worth 15 points.)