Perpetually Peeved


I POOP

Smalls (from backseat of car): Mommy, you are a bad person.

Peeved: What?  Why am I a bad person?

Smalls: Because you are mean to people.

Peeved: Why am I mean, now?

Smalls: You are always yelling at all the other people in the cars.

Peeved: I’m not always yelling.  Sometimes they don’t know how to drive.

Smalls: Are you the only one that knows how to drive?

Peeved: Yes.

Smalls: So you need to tell them how to do it?

Peeved: Exactly.

*****

Where do these people learn how to drive?  Yes, folks, a good old-fashioned road rage rant for you today.  Top 5 offenses?

1.  Driving the speed limit. Everyone knows those radar doohickey things are have a 10-mile-an-hour range of error.  That is why you only get a ticket when you are going 10+ miles over.  A cop is not going to waste his time on you unless he can really stick it to you good.  And, please, if you do want to go the speed limit, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not do it in the left-hand lane.  I was driving down the road the other day and saw a car with the license plate (and you know how I love my vanity plates) “SPD LMT” that was driving, you guessed it, exactly the speed limit.  I tried to take a picture for you, but the car behind them was so far up their ass I couldn’t get a clear shot.

Good to know. Think DMV has "I POOP" available?

2.  All things blinkers. This is a catch-all offense because if you do one, you probably do the others.  This offense includes, but is not limited to, driving with your blinker on for miles, not using your blinker (hello, I’m not a fecking mind reader!), putting your blinker on as your making the turn, assuming that because you have your blinker on that you can come into my lane automatically, and any and all other actions that cause me to roll down the window and scream, “USE YOUR GODDAMN DIRECTIONAL!” “WELL, SURE, COME ON OVER!” or “TURN ALREADY, YOU MORON!”

*****

Smalls: Is your window down, Mommy?

Peeved: No, why? Are you hot?

Smalls: No.  But, if your window isn’t down, how do they hear you?

Peeved: How does who hear me?

Smalls: The other drivers.

*****

3. Improper use of brakes.  What are you stopping for?  Phantom red lights?  Because I don’t see anything in front of you.  Do you think you get better gas mileage by speeding up just to jam on your brakes?  Do you like the way the brake lights rosily illuminate the back seat?  No?  Then why the hell are you treating your brake pedal like a bass drum control?  I think fellow blogger PB&J Chutney summed it up best here.

4. Blocking the box. New York passed a law a few years back that prohibits people from “blocking the box.”  Just one more reason New York rocks.  For those of you not familiar, blocking the box is when the douchebag driver heading east decides to run through the yellow light even though he knows damn well his car is not going to fit through the intersection, thus blocking you who is trying to head north.  Let’s use the law of the skinny jeans here:  if you can’t fit, don’t.

5. Blowing your horn. If you have time to blow your horn, you have time to get the hell out of the way.  There are only two times that it is okay to blow your horn.  1) If someone is backing up and does not see you.  2) If someone is doing their nails, texting, or otherwise not paying attention and needs a little, “hello, the light is green, thank you” reminder of what the hell they are doing in the car.  A simple double-tap, friendly beep.  Not a honk.  And, not 2 seconds after the light turns.  Got it?

The game of Pedestrian Points is a lot like scrabble. Ugliness = double letter score; oldness = double word score; slowness = triple letter score; and handicap = triple word score. Hey, I didn't make the rules. By the way NICE PHOTOSHOP JOB ON THAT SECOND PICTURE. No more margaritas at lunch for you. Get yours at zazzle.com

*****

Peeved (yelling at guy jogging in road, right next to sidewalk):  Get on the sidewalk!

Smalls: Why are you yelling at that man?  Because he needs to get on the sidewalk?

Peeved: Yes.

Smalls: Can he hear you?

Peeved: Yes, of course.

Smalls: Why are you yelling at him to get on the sidewalk?  Because you don’t want him to get hit by a car?

Peeved: Exactly. (Even if he would have been worth 15 points.)

Advertisements

12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

AWESOMELY written. And super thanks for the pingback! You officially rock my socks.

Comment by pbandchutney

[…] This post was Twitted by pbandchutney […]

Pingback by Twitted by pbandchutney

Where is the poop tag for this post?!?!?!? I welcome you to go for it in the spirit of competition. 🙂

Comment by shoutabyss

DRIVING IN MIAMI: If his left blinker is on, he’s turning right. If his right blinker is on , it means his blinkers work. If no blinker is on he may come to a dead stop(even at 60mph I-95). GETTING REAR-ENDED: “You got insurance? “Que es la insurance? or “Let me see your license.” ” Se vek pola a driver’s license? POLICEMAN: “Who’s fault?” “His.” “Let me see your green card and license.” “I don’t have a green card. I’ve never had one. I don’t need one. “Everyone needs their green card.” “I was born in Staten Island, New York for Christ’s sakes!” “Many people are from the islands here. That’s why you need your green card. You are under arrest. Do you want to come with me or wait for INS?” COOPERATION: In Miami do what ever cop says or it will be: Miami Herald “Man shot 42 times at traffic pullover. He sneezed twice. Police feared for their lives. No investigation will be conducted.”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

“Peeved: How does who hear me?
Smalls: The other drivers.”

lol. Smalls is a genius.

Comment by Pop

Yeah, she obviously gets that from her father. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Love it. I am also an aggressive driver and I yell at people all the time. How do you think my daughter perfected when to use the F word ? Not proud of this but if people wouldnt drive like crap, I wouldnt have to swear:-)

Comment by Danielle

Yes, these are the important life lessons we must teach our children. Thanks for reading. I’m off to check out your blog. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Great post! I think that if I was to tape myself when I am driving, I probably come off sounding like Mel Gibson on his worst day. All the offenders you mentioned really piss me off….especially the “left lane lunatics” that never get the Hell over!

Comment by redriverpak

You all drive on the wrong side of the road anyway!

Comment by gallowaygrave

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PB & Chutney, Perpetually Peeved. Perpetually Peeved said: I wrote a post and forgot to post it yesterday. I also forgot to take my ginko biloba. http://wp.me/pUGUc-dp […]

Pingback by Tweets that mention I POOP « Perpetually Peeved -- Topsy.com

Totally agree. Legally, I should be able to ram you with my bumper if you’re driving the speed limit or below in the left lane. Seriously, somebody needs to propose this law.

Comment by Joe




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: