Filed under: Consumer / Retail, General Peevery | Tags: annoying, convenience, dirty car, drive me up the wall, french fries under the seat, grating, how to get a lexus, how to make vinegar, inconvenient, Mr. BJ, Mrs. BJ, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, someone is happy, too hot outside, vent
Smalls [getting into her car seat]: Mommy, what’s that smell?
Peeved: I don’t know. Maybe you dropped some food in the car again.
Smalls: No, I only have these rice cakes in my cup holder. Is that what smells?
Peeved: Where did you get those from?
Smalls: They gave them to us for snack yesterday.
Peeved: You didn’t have school yesterday. Yesterday was Sunday.
Smalls: Oh. Well, can I eat them?
Now, I didn’t let her eat them, but I was concerned about the smell. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. If you’ve ever had kids you know all kinds of crap gets stuck under the seats. If I could figure out a way to make dissolving french fries, I’d be rolling in it.
Quick — three things you can tell just by looking at the picture above…
If you said 1) I’m just about at the mileage where everything starts to fall off of my car; 2) I live in an area that is hotter than a camel’s cooch; and 3) I haven’t had my car cleaned in at least 6 months; you win the grand prize.
So, there are a great many things that this smell could possibly be. Except, there aren’t really. Because what my car smells like, is, well… fish & chips. It stinks like a pub in my car.
Peeved: Did you give the kids fish & chips to eat in the car?
Mr. Peeved: What? No. Why?
Peeved: Did we have coleslaw at Smalls’ party this weekend that maybe spilled in the car?
Mr. Peeved: What? No. Why?
Peeved: Just checking.
Mr. Peeved: You are so weird.
Peeved: Mmm….hmm… hey, what is vinegar made out of?
Mr. Peeved: I don’t know. It’s just vinegar. Why don’t you Google it?
“Vinegar can be made from any fruit, or from any material containing sugar.”
Hmm… fruit is out. Gummy bears? Cheerios? How could there possibly have been enough sugar in my car to ferment into… uh oh… new low. Can’t even blame it on the kids. Remember when I told you all last weekend my friend had her baby? Well, I may have left out the part about her living 20 miles past anywhere I want to be. And, the part about me trying to find the interstate by following iPhone GPS directions. And, the part about how my console was so full of empty coffee cups that I couldn’t fit the giant soda that I got at the pizza place. And, how the giant soda took a bit of a tumble while I was navigating a particularly hairy turn. So, THAT‘s how you make vinegar.
Mr. Peeved is apparently not completely facetious when he calls my car litter “science experiments.”
Not only is the state I live in hotter than a desert mammal’s nether-regions in the summer, they believe in torturing their residents by making them pay their car taxes each year on their birthdays. They also won’t let you pay your taxes until you’ve passed an emissions test. If you don’t pay by your birthday, you owe a late fee. If you don’t pay by the end of the month of your birthday, you get pulled over and have some huge ticket fines and a day in court to deal with. So, I’m already in for the late fee, but I find a local establishment that will do an oil change, an emissions test and a detail car wash all at once. Convenient, right?
Nothing is ever convenient. Convenience is an illusion. A disappearing showgirl. A pink elephant. An “easy” baby.
After “pre-cleaning” the car, I head over the car wash place, put in my order, eat lunch, finish a book, check Twitter, check Facebook, play solitaire, play code cracker, pace the place… good gravy people, how long does this take? Well, apparently it takes 3 freaking hours. Yes, my luck holds true, and I wind up getting the detailer with OCD. He was literally still wiping the car as I was driving out of the place. For real? It is probably going to rain tonight anyway. I already gave you your tip. Now get the hell out of my way before I run over your toes.
Once I had cooled down a little, I did appreciate the great job he did. The car was shining like it did the day I drove it off the lot. Except that day it didn’t have a missing hubcap, a headlight out, a scratch down the side and the bumper pulled off a bit on the other side. Figures the payments are up in April. Maybe I’ll get a new car.
Probably not a Lexus.
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