Perpetually Peeved

This isn’t fecking Neverland

Whether you love your job or hate your job, work in a big office or small, white-collar or blue-collar, there seems to be a single unifying work pet peeve.  The kitchen.  Home of the unclaimed Tupperware, fridge o’ science experiments and passive-aggressive notes. 

As seen hanging over the office sink this morning. I just love #2. It cracks me up. Read it in the voice of Julia Child, you'll see what I mean.

Let’s do a review of some of the top work kitchen pet-peeves according to Peeved, shall we? 

#1 This isn’t fecking Neverland.  No self-respecting adult is going to admit that they believe in cleaning fairies, but you would be surprised how many secretly think they exist.  That is the only explanation I have for people who leave dirty dishes in the sink at work. Do you really think to yourself, “Oh, I’ll just stick these here, the elves will get them by tomorrow”?  Guess what, pal?  You don’t pay me enough to wear a tutu and wings.  

#2 Smell going in > Smell coming out.  If your food smells worse than my cat’s diarrhea and you haven’t even put it in your mouth yet, you may not want to eat it.  I know I certainly don’t want to smell it wafting down the hall and feel it clinging to every porous surface surrounding me.  How many times do you have to say “NO FISH AT WORK?” 

#3 Can I claim you as a dependent?  Unless you are listed with a number 1 next to your name on my tax return, don’t eat my food.  This is not a community refrigerator.  And, I don’t write notes, I just spit in things. 

#4 Nuke it is not a term to be taken literally.  My four-year old can cook using a microwave.  If you nuke it, cover it.  If you explode it, clean it. 

Actual FB status from a friend of mine this morning. Hope they don't mind that I used it - it was too apropos.

#5 Hmm… just enough to pour on your lap.  If you use the last of something (like, say, COFFEE), do not leave just enough so that you don’t have to clean up the mess. 

#6  What are you doing in there?  If you set the timer on the communal microwave at noon for 2 minutes, 25 seconds, don’t walk off/go to the loo/run around the block/get caught up in conversation while your Hot Pocket sits in there and the rest of us are waiting. 

#7 Oh no you didn’t.  Alternatively, if I am standing in the kitchen waiting for my timer to go off, don’t take my food out and shove yours in before I’ve had a chance to make sure my mashed potatoes aren’t frozen in the middle. 

#8  No eye-fecking my food.  I know my food is better than yours.  I wouldn’t be eating it if it sucked.  Now, quit staring at it and eat your own damn food.  Don’t ask me what it is either.  I don’t have the recipe.  Call Outback.  They can tell you. 

#9  You’re lying to yourself.  Quit taking to-go bags home from lunch, sticking them in the office fridge and then forgetting about them.  No one wants to eat the same food they had for lunch for dinner.  Are you really going to bring it home and say, “Here, honeybuns, have this half-eaten salad I ate all the steak off of but couldn’t finish at lunch?”  Are you going to eat it for lunch tomorrow?  No.  Then quit it.  No more styrofoam and bags that sit in the fridge waiting for some mooch-hole (see #3) to come along and get e coli from it. 

#10 What are you opening an eBay store?  Are you stealing the “gently used” Tupperware and selling it for a little side profit?  Trying to make ends meet?  Don’t have a coupon for those disposable zip-loc containers?  If I heat my food, rinse my Tupperware and hang it in the drying rack or leave it in the dishwasher, what is happening to it between the time it is dry and the time I go to pick it up?  Do the cleaning fairies take it as their fair payment?  Seriously, I can’t even make a joke about it.  That’s like wearing someone else’s shoes.  Without socks.  Or, “borrowing” underwear.  Blech. 

Which reminds me of another universal workplace peeve-heaven:  the bathroom.  We’ll have to discuss the business of “doing business” at work another time.  Until then, these poop-minded posts should keep you busy:


16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Beautiful post! I love the person who wrote that first note. You can feel the anger within them. Take the Jedi weapon, strike me down! I am unarmed. Ooops, got a little carried away there. 🙂

Best lunch deterrent ever? Anti-theft lunch bags. FTW!

The opening photo reminded me a lot of this excellent web site:


Comment by shoutabyss

Amazing. That and some fake vomit and I should be all set. I love too. Was thinking of submitting the note there. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Can only picture all these things. Teachers never even have lunch. Hall/bathroom duty, parent conference,two quick cigarettes, meeting with other dept chairs, squeeze in phone call to Walgreens, stop fight, hit bathroom yourself, encourage clock to move faster, duck bullet, catch breath for another 3 hours,etc.

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

I’d rather be a podiatrist than a teacher.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

At the end of the day in my office if there were tupperware dishes that someone didn’t wash and were left in the sink, the cleaning crew just tossed them.

Comment by bearman

If they’re dirty, yes. But what the hell are they doing with my clean tupperware? I probably don’t want to know.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Eye Fecking…..Thanks! I learned a new term for the day….

“Hey Wife….quit freakin Eye Fecking my freakin food!!”

(Wife slaps idiot repeatedly up side head..)

Comment by redriverpak

You should totally post that on YouTube.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I just can’t seem to stop laughing at the word, “fecking” in the title long enough to read the post, so I’ll have to come back and try again later~

Comment by amanda

Yeah, some of my English friends taught me that one. I love it. Feels so much better than “freaking.”

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Loooooove you and this my sis…what a gas! Haaaate when roommates leave dirty dishes in sink w/ the dishwasher a millimeter away, and what’s wors the old food in the drain catch for me to clean the nxt day not to mention the smell that lingers overnight coupled w/ the bugs it attracts….F’in gross!

Comment by NickyNice

Don’t pretend like you’re nice. By the by, if you watch the opening credits of Dance Your Ass off, there’s a fat Gaddy on it. Cracks my ass up every time.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Great list! The Facebook status reminds me of a girl in college who put something in the microwave on a paper towel, and then she got in the shower. She entered 20 minutes instead of 2, and the paper towel caught on fire, causing us to evacuate the dorm in the middle of the night. Fun stuff.

Comment by thoughtsappear

I was wondering how the hell you could start a fire in the microwave.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

amen sister! this exact subject will be the absolute death of me (or someone else) in my office. how gd hard is it to clean up after yourself. I am afraid of how these people live at home.

Comment by Melissa

I’m LMAO, this post literally made my day. You covered every area on this… I’d like to print your post and ‘post’ it in our kitchen area!! Very well said. 🙂

Comment by Bonnie

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