Perpetually Peeved

While I was sleeping…

I’m totally writing to you from a comatose state right now.  My fingers are typing, but my brain is not thinking.  In fact, I may as well be laying under my desk with my pants undone and a chocolate goatee, moaning quietly while my eyes roll around in my head, with a sign on my door that says, “If you expect me to pick up that print job, you better bring a stretcher.”

We had the annual staff luncheon at work today.  The lunch was in a private dining room at a nice seafood restaurant here in the big city.  Menu was a “sharing plate” of fried calamari and fried chicken spring rolls, salad, choice of salmon, tilapia or filet mignon, and another “sharing plate” of apple and pecan pie for dessert.   This being a seafood restaurant, I, of course, ordered the steak. 

My husband has a saying when we are playing Yahtzee! – “Never take the sixes off the board!”  Well, I have a saying whenever steak is an option on a menu – “Why the hell would I chose anything but filet mignon?” 

If you want to know the origin of this saying, read up on

 It was a great time.  Really.  Shocking, I know.  Have I mentioned I love my new job?  The food was just as good as the company and I could see people getting weighed down in their chairs as the meal progressed.  By the time they brought out the dessert platter, we all thought we were too full to even eat any.  Who the hell were we kidding?  Because, folks, that wasn’t just pecan pie on the platter, it was chocolate bourbon pecan pie.  I promptly threw my left arm in front of Big Boy to block him and, with my right, gently slid the platter directly in front of me.  I got myself a big ole honking piece of the that pie and I wasn’t going to split it with anyone.  No way, no how.  My idea of sharing is:  you can have what I can’t finish. 

Imagine this but with dark chocolate chips and about 2 more inches of pecans on top. From, who got the recipe from Emeril.

It was so good that people who didn’t like pecan pie were eating it.  Shit, people who were allergic to tree nuts were eating it.  Right before trying to roll myself out of my chair, I realized my pants didn’t fit anymore.  Literally.  I could not breathe.  I made the requisite joke about wearing my “fat pants” next time.  I said, “You know what they should do?  They should totally have those adjustable waist pants like they have for kids, but for adults.”  I’m a genius, I know.  I’m just a genius a little behind the curve.  “They do, I’ve got them on right now,” replied a male co-worker. 

The wha-ha?  They don’t have those in the women’s section.  You have to be kidding me.  Not only do these males not have to wear heels, put on make-up, do their hair, or squeeze something out of their body that is 10x the normal circumference of that orifice, but now they get to wear expandable waist pants?  Some days, I so want to be a man. 

Then, I remember all my cute shoes.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating my shoe closet a bit... but, not much. (Mariah Carey will have nothing on me when I win the MegaMillions)

When I got back to the office, 3:00 hit and I headed downstairs to get a coffee.  Only, I didn’t really head down stairs, I took the elevator.  Because I’m fat.  And, I still couldn’t breathe.  I got to about floor #2 and it happened.  My pants button popped.  I literally ate to the point that I was busting out of my pants.

Maybe I don’t need that latte after all. 

Or, the shoes. 

My new motto?  “A good glutton always packs a sewing kit!”


12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Weren’t you peeving the other day in “Gag Me With A Spoon?” Looks like you used a shovel at this meal. You didn’t merely eat, you refueled. You said “Think out of the box” was a silly cliche, among others. Well you certainly have created a sister cliche here: “Eat your way out of your pants!” They say “He wants to have his cake and eat it too” is some kind of a put down. What in the Sam Hill good is having the dern cake in the first place if you can’t eat it? I call these things “wisdom warts.”

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

Hey Carl — thanks for sharing your warts. I’m sure it’s not the first time. 🙂 Ha ha. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I feel your pain! I myself have popped a few buttons now and then, usually with bullet-like velocity….. I would kill for some of that Pie!! Who do I need to kill????? Who? Who? Who?….

Comment by redriverpak

You don’t need to kill anyone, but I have a few on my list if you’re really intent on it. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

this is why women like shoes and purses so much… no matter how fat you get, you can still get shoes and purses!

Comment by Melissa

Sounds like an old Atari game. I could picture it now: a little pixel girl on the bottom of the screen eating pecan pie until her buttons pop and fly into space and blow up some asteroids.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

That’s why I love shoes. You never pop out of them after gorging yourself.
I think I might even like pecan pie if it has chocolate chips in it. Must find someone to make that for me!

Comment by Amy

Ah, yes, but you also can’t put your feet on a diet when all the clearance shoes are size 6s.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Mrs. Peeved: I have a blog now. Amy helped. Invite your comments. May I post you in “Blogs We Like” column? Let me know you get through. I Know I Made You Smile name blog

Comment by Carl D'Agostino

Good for you! Found it just fine and left a comment for you. You absolutely may post me in Blogs You Like (if you like me… ) 🙂 I would recommend adding the widget that lets people subscribe. It is under Appearance/Widgets on your WP dashboard.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

“A good glutton always packs a sewing kit!”

Mine? A good glutton always wears stretchy pants b/c you never know.

Comment by Pop

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: