Filed under: General Peevery, Parenting | Tags: annoying, close talkers, communication errors, dispicable me, drive me up the wall, failure to communicate, grating, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, seinfeld, sorcerers apprentice, vent, what, you talkin to me
My 4-year-old, Smalls, and I ride home from work/school together every day. This half hour is usually spent singing, making up stories, or asking, “why” until my head is about to explode. The other day, we were discussing our plans for the weekend.
Smalls: Mommy, I want to go to the movies tonight.
Peeved: You do?
Smalls: Yes, I want to see ‘Ispicable Me. It looks so funny, it has these cute little yellow guys. They are not like bugs and they are not like aliens and they go, “beep beep wonk” and one of them only has one eye, but the rest have two and they are yellow. And little. And cute.
Peeved: Okay, we’ll ask Daddy if he wants to go the movies tonight.
Smalls: Yeah, I want to see those cute little yellow guys in ‘Ispicable Me.
Peeved: What was the name of that movie again?
Smalls: ‘Ispicable Me.
Peeved: Okay, it sounds like a great movie.
Smalls: I also want to see Oserersappren Sim. It looks really good, there is this little baby dragon and he snuggles up to the boy. I want a dragon. Mommy are dragons real? Can I get one.
Peeved: No honey, dragons are just make-believe. So you can’t get one.
Smalls: Well, I need a pet, can I PLEEEAAASSSEEE have a dog?
Peeved: You have cats. Ask Daddy about the dog. What was the name of that movie again?
Smalls: Oserersappren Sim. Can’t we get rid of the cats?
Peeved: No. They’re our pets. Oserersappren Sim?
Smalls: No. Oserersappren Sim.
Peeved: That’s what I said, Oserersappren Sim.
Smalls: No, say it with me: Os-er-er-app-ren-sim.
Smalls: No. OSSERERAPPREN SIM!
Peeved: You don’t have to yell, I got it: Osererappren sim.
Smalls: No, mommy. You’re not saying it right.
Peeved: Well, I don’t understand you. I don’t understand what you are trying to say.
Smalls: Okay, I’ll say it louder: OSSERERAPPREN SIM!
Peeved: I still don’t know what you’re saying. What happens in the movie?
Smalls: I already told you, there’s a dragon and a boy. Forget it mommy, you aren’t understanding me. I said it slow and I said it loud and you still aren’t saying it right. Daddy will know. And he’ll get me a puppy.
When we finally arrive home, I find help in my 12-year-old, Biggie. She apparently is still on the cusp of kid and teenager and can translate well enough.
Peeved: Smalls, tell Biggie the name of that movie about the dragon and the boy.
Smalls (to Biggie): Oserersappren Sim.
Biggie: Oh, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. But, I don’t think she should see that movie. It looks scary for her.
Peeved: SORCERER’s APPRENTICE? That’s what you were saying?
Smalls: YES! I told you. Oserersappren Sim!
There is probably no more frustrating thing than having a conversation with someone that you don’t understand. Except, maybe having a conversation with someone that doesn’t understand you. This exchange made me realize just how many of my peeves are centered around communication. Yes, ladies and gents, time for another list of “rules.”
How to have a conversation with Peeved:
1. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have a mental deficiency. There is no need to follow any statement with, “Does that make sense?”
2. If I am standing in front of a sink with running water or am in another room in the house separated by a solid wall, I can’t hear you.
3. Don’t ask me, “what?” if you heard what I said.
4. If we are disagreeing on something, repeating your point over and over and over is not going to make me change my mind. It will only cause regression to childhood argument tactics and I am the master of the “Yes you are, No I’m not” game.
5. When I ask you a question or call your name, it is only polite to acknowledge that you heard me even if you are thinking about the answer.
6. Every question does not need to be prefaced with “Mommy” — I will change my name to Penelope Humperdink. Can’t pronounce that? Hmm… that’s the point.
7. If you don’t know me, don’t shorten my name. It’s not that long and it is pronounced phonetically.
8. Don’t use my name repeatedly in conversation. That’s just creepy. I don’t care what your infomercial memory booster networking tool told you to do.
9. Look me in the eye when you are talking to me. Unless you have one of those floating eyes – then, let’s both look somewhere else because, that’s just awkward.
10. I don’t want to tell what shampoo scent you have when you’re talking to me. Ever seen that Seinfeld episode? I’ve got a pocket of space reserved for me, my husband, and my immediate family – you don’t want to cross it.
11. Don’t say “forget it.” Nothing in the world ticks me off more than not knowing how something ends and/or getting resolution. You don’t understand. I can’t forget it. It will bug the crap out of me until you just tell me.
12. Don’t say “I’ll tell you later.” Nobody likes a tease.
13. Don’t answer the question before I’m done asking it. If you could read minds, you would have your own show on the Psychic Friends Network and Dionne Warwick would be your BFF.
14. Please do not pretend like you heard what I said when you didn’t and laugh inappropriately. It’s okay if you didn’t hear me. I like to talk, I’ll say it again.
15. Don’t ask me the same question or bring up the same topic every time I see you. You can’t keep asking me how the “baby” is until she’s 15. Please, let’s just talk about the weather.
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