Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: accordian wall sconce, annoying, bad grammar, bad idea, bad outfit, bad small talk, bad spelling, drive me up the wall, grating, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, toilet paper trail, vent, west elm, wtf, wtf wednesday
These days, a lot of bloggers will have a theme or a meme one day a week. Wednesday seems to be a popular day, with two of my favorites being White Trash Wednesdays over at You Are What You Eat… or Reheat and Wine on Wednesdays over at Fix It Or Deal. Well, I don’t want to rip off either of these fine ladies and I’m not good at keeping my yapper shut for Wordless Wednesdays, so I’m coming up with my own theme for today. I’m also scatter-brained and can’t quite get my shit together today, so this will be a great excuse for an ADD-infused post.
My theme? Why, you guessed it: WTF Wednesday. This will be a random selection of things that made me go “WTF?” this week. Plucked fresh from my hostility log.
1. WTF are you selling, then?
See that really cool wall sconce? The accordion kind that swivels and looks antique? I’ve been looking for one of those forever. It had to be bronze, because my bedroom furniture is antique and it needs to match. It had to be accordion so that I could pull it out to read at night. And, it had to be swivel, so that I could use it at my vanity when putting on make up in the morning. In other words, this wall sconce is perfect. I’m ready to throw down a ridiculous amount of cash for it because it’s so perfect (and, because everything costs a ridiculous amount of cash at West Elm). I log on to their website and guess what? Can’t find the thing anywhere in their extensive collection of lighting fixtures. Wait, there’s no little letter thingy on the catalogue page. Interesting… surely with a big, bold, “Bring in the Light” headline the only light in the picture would be an item they are selling, no? No. WTF Antique Shit Makes Our Overpriced Crap Look Cooler?
2. WTF are you wearing?
This is a three for the price of one deal. 1 – For the last three months, it has been 90 degrees on a cool day in my town. Why in the world would you be wearing suede boots? 2 – When shopping for jeans, I have a rule. The rule states that if the pockets are farther apart than the width of your hand, they are going to make your ass look big and you should not purchase them. I hereby supplement that rule with the following: if the pockets on the jeans are non-existent, they are going to make your ass look ginormous and you should not purchase them. Nor should you accept them as a hand me down or wear them even if someone is paying you to do so. 3 – A pocketbook should the size of a book. You are picking someone up at the airport here, not trying to sneak an extra bag on the plane by calling that Mary Poppins wanna-be bag a purse. WTF Ms. I Have No Friends AND No Mirrors?
3 – WTF is that?
If you are not coordinated enough to squat and pee at the same time, fine. We all can’t be Anna Kornikova. However, what the hell am I supposed to do with this mess? WTF Toilet Troll?
4. WTF school did you graduate from?
This drives me bonkers. Unless you are under the impression that I am dyslexic, something tells me you shouldn’t be so reliant on spellcheck. WTF Edumacated Professional?
5. WTF backwater place are you from?
I’m willing to forgive the misuse of the word “constantly” (I think she really meant consistently), the lack of proper comma usage and the lack of a question mark (maybe she thought the big green one would suffice). I’m on the fence about the air quotes around “competing.” You lost me at “sale” when the correct term is “sell.” I came thisclose to writing this woman an email explaining the difference between having a sale and selling something. This is a southern thing, I think. I have encountered it many times down in these parts and it drives me almost to tears. For sell. Easiest to sale. I can only think that they speak with heavy accents and spell phonetically. WTF Ms. I Pronounce the Writing Instrument “Pin”?
6. WTF is wrong with you?
So, I suck at small talk. I’m the worst at it. I inevitably say the stupidest thing that comes to mind. This morning, however, I met someone who is worse at it than I am. Smalls made some artwork at her daycare that they sent home in a paper bag. I decided that I wanted to hang this artwork in my office at work and brought said paper bag in this morning. On the elevator:
WTF Smalltalk Fail: You are holding a big, paper bag.
Peeved: [no shit, Sherlock] Yes, I am. I’m bringing in some artwork that my 4-year-old made.
WTF Smalltalk Fail: Oh, is it your first?
Peeved: No, actually, I also have a twelve-year-old.
WTF Smalltalk Fail: Oh, I just figured. Because, by the time our second came, we didn’t even take pictures of her. The first one, all the artwork was saved and put up, second one – eh!
Peeved: [And the father of the year award goes to…] Um, yeah. I guess having mine so far apart, it’s like starting over again.
Wow. Guess the “shit I should think and never say” filter was turned off in that wee brain of his. WTF Smalltalk Fail?
Who the hell wouldn’t hang that beauty in their office? So, what were some of your WTF moments this week?
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