Of feet and flan

Of feet and flan

August 23, 2010, 9:36 pm
Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, biting your toenails, corpse, CSI, dirty feet, dirty socks, drive me up the wall, fingerprinting, grating, male ice skater, nervous breakdown, pedicure, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, vent

There are few things that skeeve me out more than animatronics and the texture of flan.  Other people’s feet is on the top of my list.  I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to smell them and I sure as heck don’t want them touching me.  Ever.  Even if you have socks on.

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When I was getting my degree in Crime Scene Evidence Technology (did I not tell y’all about that?), I had to take two fingerprinting classes.  Fingerprinting-I was no problem.  It went over loops, whorls, classification, the basics.  Fingerprinting-II was a whole different story.  Three weeks into the semester we had to fingerprint a corpse.  Please let me tell you, I will NEVER consider donating my body to science.  This corpse was a donation.  She had been in the school freezer for about 8 years before we got our hands on her.  It was the first time I’d ever seen a dead person and I was fine until I saw her perfectly polished pink toenails and realized she at one time had been a living, breathing person and quite possibly someone’s mother.  That, and when I went to grab her hand to fingerprint her, her entire arm came off.  Did I mention I’m never donating my body to science?

Well, as you can imagine, the field of crime scene investigation draws some interesting people.  There are those staunch soon-to-be-police officer types, the ones interested in science until they realize you need to pass an intensive drug and background screening to get a job, and the ones that ask questions that don’t quite sound hypothetical enough.  What are YOU planning, dude?  Add to all this that I was going to school in California – no one normal lives there.  Fingerprinting-II didn’t whittle down enough of the crowd with its decaying momma corpse, so they decided they needed to switch up tactics.  I walked in to class on day to see white paper sheets on the floor in the front of the room and large paint rollers set out for the fingerprint ink.  Oh no.  No way, no how.

One of the interesting characters in my class was a guy named Bob.  Bob was older, about six and a half feet tall, and a nice enough guy.  He was the kind that always had a story.  You know that guy.  I got paired with Bob for the foot-printing.  Bob took off his shoes and I thought I was going to pass out.  I probably would have if I weren’t too busy gagging.  Apparently, Bob used to be an ice skater.  Not a hockey player, an ice skater.  Now, maybe that is code word for I was born with feet the size of steaks and toes the length of my fingers, but that is no excuse for the length and color of the toenails.  When someone would rather touch an eight-year old decaying corpse’s feet than yours, it’s time for a pedicure.

Photo courtesy of the Chicago Tribune

This morning, I heard that Enrique Iglesias admitted that one of his worst habits is biting his toenails.  I think I almost barfed into my coffee.  I realized I have a major issue.  Maybe I should have realized this when my list of foot DONT’s exceeded 10 items…

1.  Don’t touch me with your feet (see above – I don’t care if they are clean or covered in socks, or both).

2.  Don’t wear open toed shoes/flip flops/go barefoot if you do not have a pedicure (or at least have cleaned and trimmed your toenails).

3.  Don’t make me take your shoes off in your house.  Yes, I know.  I’m never visiting Japan, don’t worry.

4.  Don’t put your feet in your mouth.

5.  Don’t put other people’s feet in your mouth.

6.  If you clip your toenails, do it over a paper towel and throw the towel in the garbage.

7.  Do not put your feet up on a surface that I am going to have to eat on.

8.  Do not put your feet on the back of my seat (think road trip, movie theater).

9.  If your feet stink, wash them.

10.  If you take your stinky socks off to wash your feet, put them in the hamper.  I am not touching those bad boys to put them in there for  you.

11.  It is NEVER funny to throw your dirty socks at someone’s head.  Unless it is not my head, then it is funny.

For the love of all that is holy, DON'T go to http://www.vibramfivefingers.com and buy these. Now, I'm going to have nightmares.

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