Perpetually Peeved

Mommy’s Law

There’s this thing that happens when you become a mother.  This magical, torturous transformation that turns your butt (or, what’s left of it), into something akin to the bat signal.  Somehow, the nanosecond my ass hits a seat, a phone starts ringing in my family’s brains.  Ring… ring… ring…  time to need something from Peeved.

The other night, after a long day at work, a long drive home, a long getting the kids to eat dinner process, an even longer checking the homework and getting them to bed process, I finally got a chance to sit down.  Deciding not to get too ambitious (you can’t really relax until they’ve been down for a good 30 minutes), I reached past my book and picked up a magazine.

This is not just any magazine.  This is the best magazine ever.  A dear friend renews my subscription every year for Christmas and it’s my favorite present.  It only comes once every two months (or, at least it feels that long between issues).  Bookmarks magazine is to book lovers what Cosmo is to trashy 20-year-olds.  I have picked up some killer reads based on their recommendations that I ordinarily would not have even looked twice at.  As you can tell, I was writhing with anticipation to get my hands on it. 

I tiptoed out of the bedroom, down the hall, quickly past the kitchen (where my husband was cooking up some yums) and quietly as I could, sat down on the couch.

[Ring, ring, ring…]

Mr. Peeved:  Hey, Peeved, come here for a second.

Peeved:  What?

Mr. Peeved:  I need to talk to you.

Peeved:  What do you want to talk about?

Mr. Peeved:  I can’t talk to you from the other room.

Peeved: [then why are you trying? Maybe if I pretend I don’t hear him.]

Mr. Peeved:  I know you can hear me.  I also know you just sat down.  Now, stop being lazy and get in here.

Peeved: [Dammit!]

 Other Mommy’s Laws?

  • They never volunteer to go to the bathroom until right after you say you have to go.  Then they are racing to get there first.
  • The baby always wakes up right as you’re about to put the first bite of food in your mouth.
  • If you order them a kid,s meal, they won’t eat it.  If you don’t order them a kid’s meal, they’ll eat all your food (usually while perched atop your head and rubbing BBQ sauce into your shirt).
  • They’ll never remember they need three bottles of dishwashing liquid, a can of coke and a squeegee for science class until 10:00pm the night before and after you’ve already had 3 beers.
  • The second the opening credits for your show are over, WWIII will break out in the next room and you’ll have to play Switzerland.
  • If you try to close the door to the office and play around on the internet, the child will stop whatever game she was happily playing and demand that you play with her.  If you stop and go play with her, she will inevitably tell you that you aren’t doing it right and proceed to play on her own without you.

Please, just bury me with my Bookmarks magazines and a Kindle.  Looks like that will be the only “me” time I see in my (hopefully, distant) future.

14 Comments so far
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Bit off subject this, but how do you find reading books with Kindle? (I’m thinking of investing now it has reached Britain).

Comment by gallowaygrave

I don’t actually have the Kindle. I use the app on my iphone. I was just thinking that there wouldn’t be a whole lot of room or light for real books in the coffin. 🙂

However, I will be getting a Kindle, as they come highly recommended by my friends who have them.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Many thanks for that, please update when you do… I shall have to save lots of pocket money first.

Comment by gallowaygrave

On a serious side today, your children are fortunate to have a parent they see reading and writing all the time. In psych behavior modification or cultivation punish/reward dynamic pervades. But third, little used is to” model” the behavior. A fourth way is “co-participating” in the activity. A love for books and reading is a wonderful legacy to leave with a child, but it cannot be forced. In 1st and beginning of 2nd grade I could not understanding how they were able to say the words written on the pages. Although I could not verbalize it in my child’s mind I knew I was somehow not connecting and worried I was dodo head. But it kicked in suddenly and explosively and I was in the 6th grade reader within two weeks! Two recommendations for your child immediately: Rise and Fall Roman Empire(Gibbons) and mercantilism theories of Adam Smith. For light or entertaining items rec federal tax code modifications 2010. Hey, worked for me!

Comment by carldagostino

Why is everyone being so serious today? Sheesh! D’Ag, you definitely need to get that mag, I’m worried about your reading materials.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Hmm, I don’t have kids as an excuse but I definitely haven’t read everything. I’ll have to check out that magazine!

Comment by WorstProfEver

Oh, yes – try it, you will like it!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I’m going to check out that magazine too.
My trick for escaping for a little while is to head to the bathroom with my book. The kids know that I will not allow them in there with me so I get a few minutes of peace and quiet and they don’t have to know that I’m just reading in there. Terrible I know but we all need an escape sometimes. Both my kids have been following me around saying “Mom… I WANT you.” So vague and annoying.

Comment by tryityoumightlikeit

I’ve tried that. Biggie knows how to pick the lock.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I agree with the previous commenter….head for the bathroom! Turn on the fan, lock the door, and veg out for a few hours! It is a great refuge. 🙂

Comment by redriverpak

Is that what you men are doing in the bathroom for so long? Hiding?


Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Hilariously true!

Comment by S. Le

I loved your list! It never fails in my house that nobody is hungry for breakfast on the weekend until I have just made myself something and am ready to sit down and eat, “Mom – could you make…” Or the only TV anyone wants to watch is the one in the room that I am reading or writing in even though we have 3 others!!

Love your writing.

– Emily

Comment by pajamadays

They will grow up. I promise. My 11-year old does his own homework. I don’t have to check it. He also does his own laundry, washes his own dishes and even put them into the dishwasher.

My peeve is that the second the real phone rings, that is the precise moment he asks me (via written note) if he can have a snack/watch TV/play Wii/go on the computer or participate in other activity where he knows my answer would usually be no. I haven’t quite figured that one out yet.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit I’ve never heard of Bookmarks magazine either. Must look into it.

Comment by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

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