Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: all day every day, annoying, back fat, chicken reproduction, drive me up the wall, fangbanger, fertilized eggs, grating, happy hour, meth project, nasty, nasty teeth, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, true blood, vampires, vent, wednesday what the, world's stupidest shoes
Welcome back, folks, for another round of “Wednesday What the…?” Same beach, different flotsam. Let’s see what kind of wreckage I’ve found for you.
1. What the… are you selling?
Did you ever have an idea in your head and while it remained there, it was the best idea ever but then the minute you shared it, it didn’t sound like such a good idea anymore? Um, yeah. Some marketing genius had that happen to them, but no one clued them in before they made this pretty little sign up. Let’s move past the glaring “$5 Bang Wednesdays” – except, really? Let’s ask ourselves, “If it’s happy hour “all day every day” then why am I only getting a “bang” on Wednesdays?” Then, let’s ask ourselves, “What the hell does a bowl of dogfood have to do with happy hour?” I mean, if that’s not dogfood, I don’t know what is. WTF Our Marketing People Had a Couple Happy Hours Prior to Coming Up With This Brilliance?
Speaking of wasted:
Saw this at lunch today. It was a table display in the middle of the waiting area at a fast-food salad type place. You know what I never understood? Why people would put bad pictures of their food on their menus. This goes beyond that. This is not going to convince anyone to buy that plate of food. Catfish smells even when it’s fresh. How long are you going to let that sit there? Moreover, there are thousands of people and children who are homeless and hungry in our city. WTF Let’s Waste Perfectly Good Food Just Because We Want to Sell More Overpriced Salads?
2. What the… are you wearing?
This is an oldie but goody. I was out at a suburban bar one night, which if you’ve never been, man – are they entertaining. One of the most entertaining things to do there is try to covertly take pictures of what I like to call “subfashion.” See, out in the ‘burbs, they have a whole different sense of style. It’s a little trying-too-hard, with a dash of 80’s and a sprinkle of the-fumes-from-the-nail-salon-have-burned-too-many-of-my-brain-cells. So, here I was, minding my own business, sipping on my Sierra Nevada (which is the closest thing you can get to real beer in the ‘burbs) when all of a sudden THIS walks by. THIS is the lady in the orange shirt. I use the terms lady and shirt loosely here. What may have been a shirt at one time is now sliced open down to her butt crack and tied together at the nape of her neck. Well, hello back fat! The best part? It’s hard to tell in this photo, but she is wearing a bra. Not a backless bra, a regular old tan-colored bra. Yes, the strap is clearly exposed. Let’s keep our undergarments UNDER and leave the designing to the DESIGNERS, eh? WTF Ms. I Like Back Fat and I Cannot Lie?
3. What the… is that?
There is a national campaign against meth. Apparently just saying no is not enough anymore. They have to use scare tactics and gross-outs to make their point. Billboards displaying nasty, grimy restrooms say things like, “NO ONE THINKS THEY’LL LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY HERE. METH WILL CHANGE THAT.” There are testimonials on the radio with young people talking about their teeth falling out and their best friends dying. I get the point. I understand the importance, but is there not a more tactful way to do this? It’s like the pro-life truck with the graphics splashed all across it shouting at everyone from the freeway. It doesn’t leave me feeling educated, it makes me want to vomit. You try explaining to a 4-year-old why there’s a bleeding baby on that truck. WTF Was Wrong With Just Say No?
4. What the… school do you go to?
This past weekend, Biggie had a friend sleep over our house. We were sitting in the living room, studying Biology because neither of the girls did well on their tests and the teacher was letting them do a make-up test. Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local farm-to-table restaurant with a friend and the study of life sciences brought to mind something she had shared.
Peeved: Girls, do you know what I found out today? When a chicken lays an egg, it’s not fertilized. So, they really aren’t going to be baby chickens.
Biggie: They aren’t?
Peeved: No. Isn’t that crazy? I never knew that. The rooster comes around afterwards and fertilizes them.
Biggie: Interesting. So, I’m not eating an unborn baby chicken when I have eggs? Good to know.
Peeved: Yeah, but what I can’t figure out… how does the rooster fertilize the eggs without breaking them?
Biggie: He probably just goes over and poops on them.
Peeved: Poops on them? What? Biggie you are so weird.
Biggie: Yes, he probably goes and takes a big crap on them. That’s what fertilizer is, isn’t it? Poop?
Peeved: You are SO going to those sex education classes they have at school.
WTF Does the Rooster Do To Fertilize Those Eggs Anyway?
5. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?
Where exactly would these be appropriate attire? Do they come with a matching neon orange hat and a multi-color handbag with “STOP” written on the red side and “SLOW” written on the orange side? WTF Inspired You To Make These Shoes – Paris Hilton on Adopt-A-Highway Community Service Duty?
6. What the… is wrong with you?
Fine. You watch True Blood. It’s a good show. However, there are three things you should never do in life: a) put a bumper sticker on your car; b) admit that you are obsessed with vampires and c) borrow your girlfriend’s car if she has violated edicts a) and b) noted previously. Yes, folks, that was a man driving that car. WTF Mr. You May Want to Ask For a Bike For Christmas?
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