Low Brow, But I Rock a Little Know-How

Low Brow, But I Rock a Little Know-How

September 7, 2010, 12:00 pm
Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, danielle staub, explain this to me, eyebrows, grating, high brow, low brow, nervous breakdown, painted eyebrows, peeve, pet peeves, salon upsell, sarcastic, tattoo eyebrow, tyra banks, vent, whoopi has no eyebrows, WTF happened to your eyebrows?

There are many things in this world that defy explanation.  We have explored some of those things here at PP before: why people buy snuggies; why fat people ride bikes; why douches don’t realize they’re douches; why Starbucks employees keep asking me if I want room for cream and then not giving it to me – it’s a long list.  However, it appears to be longer than any of us could have imagined.  Good for my blog, bad for humanity.

Almost every time I go to the salon to have my pedicure done, the sales lady tries to sell me on getting a wax.

Dragon Lady: Hello.  What you need today?

Peeved: Oh, just a pedicure.

Dragon Lady: You want deluxe sea salt scrub, right?

Peeved: No, just the regular spa pedicure, you know the one for $25.  That’s it.  No extras.

Dragon Lady: Okay, pick your color.

****

Dragon Lady: Okay, you sit right here.

Peeved: Okay, thanks.  Here’s my color.

Dragon Lady: That pretty color.  You want flower on big toe?

Peeved: No, thanks.

Dragon Lady: Oh, just deluxe sea salt scrub.

Peeved: No, just the regular spa pedicure, you know the one for $25.  That’s it.  No extras.

Dragon Lady: You need a wax?  Moustache?

Peeved: No, thank you. [Do I???]

Dragon Lady: How ’bout I fix eyebrows for you?

Peeved: I’m okay, thanks.

****

FIX???  FIX?  What the heck is wrong with my eyebrows?  I know she’s just trying to upsell me, but now I’m getting a little paranoid.  The only person I trust with my eyebrows besides myself is my sister.  The only tool allowed to come within an inch of my eyebrows is some very fine tweezers (not the cheap kind or the kind with the square tips).  Anything that could remove my entire eyebrow in a shorter amount of time than it takes to say, “What the…” is not happening.  No wax.  No thread.  Especially no wax though, because that shit hurts – no matter where you put it!

NOT going to happen, people. (photo from biography.com)

So, here comes the mystery.  If you are a woman, you may have answers for me.  If you are a man, you probably won’t, but that’s nothing new.  Why in the world would anyone ever do this:

Paint on your eyebrows? This was NOT what liquid eyeliner was invented for. (photo from totalbeauty.com)

Tweeze while intoxicated? (photo from mrbitches/blogspot.com)

Get an eyebrow tattoo? (photo from: 1st-tattooremoval.blogspot.com - the hilarity of that does not elude me).

Let's not even go here. (pictureisunrelated.com)

On Saturday night, I was out to dinner with Mr. Peeved and another couple.  There was a woman a few booths away who had the craziest damn eyebrows I’ve ever seen.  I tried to get a picture for y’all.  Really, I did.  Most came out looking like this:

Too bad I was in a bar and the iphone doesnt zoom.

Her right eyebrow was normal if not a little straight, kind of like Keira Knightly.  Then, her left eyebrow looked like someone had shaved it off, broke out the Sharpie marker and tried to make it look like Tyra Banks’ brow (you know, the crazy one she’s always raising independently of the other one).

Come to think of it, Danielle Staub may have been dining in the same restaurant as me…

Seriously... WTF? (photo from huffingtonpost.com)

I bet the Dragon Lady would have a word with her.  Come to think of it, maybe that‘s what happened.

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