Perpetually Peeved


Low Brow, But I Rock a Little Know-How

There are many things in this world that defy explanation.  We have explored some of those things here at PP before: why people buy snuggies; why fat people ride bikes; why douches don’t realize they’re douches; why Starbucks employees keep asking me if I want room for cream and then not giving it to me – it’s a long list.  However, it appears to be longer than any of us could have imagined.  Good for my blog, bad for humanity.

Almost every time I go to the salon to have my pedicure done, the sales lady tries to sell me on getting a wax.

Dragon Lady: Hello.  What you need today?

Peeved: Oh, just a pedicure.

Dragon Lady: You want deluxe sea salt scrub, right?

Peeved: No, just the regular spa pedicure, you know the one for $25.  That’s it.  No extras.

Dragon Lady: Okay, pick your color.

****

Dragon Lady: Okay, you sit right here.

Peeved: Okay, thanks.  Here’s my color.

Dragon Lady: That pretty color.  You want flower on big toe?

Peeved: No, thanks.

Dragon Lady: Oh, just deluxe sea salt scrub.

Peeved: No, just the regular spa pedicure, you know the one for $25.  That’s it.  No extras.

Dragon Lady: You need a wax?  Moustache?

Peeved: No, thank you. [Do I???]

Dragon Lady: How ’bout I fix eyebrows for you?

Peeved: I’m okay, thanks.

****

FIX???  FIX?  What the heck is wrong with my eyebrows?  I know she’s just trying to upsell me, but now I’m getting a little paranoid.  The only person I trust with my eyebrows besides myself is my sister.  The only tool allowed to come within an inch of my eyebrows is some very fine tweezers (not the cheap kind or the kind with the square tips).  Anything that could remove my entire eyebrow in a shorter amount of time than it takes to say, “What the…” is not happening.  No wax.  No thread.  Especially no wax though, because that shit hurts – no matter where you put it!

NOT going to happen, people. (photo from biography.com)

So, here comes the mystery.  If you are a woman, you may have answers for me.  If you are a man, you probably won’t, but that’s nothing new.  Why in the world would anyone ever do this:

Paint on your eyebrows? This was NOT what liquid eyeliner was invented for. (photo from totalbeauty.com)

Tweeze while intoxicated? (photo from mrbitches/blogspot.com)

Get an eyebrow tattoo? (photo from: 1st-tattooremoval.blogspot.com - the hilarity of that does not elude me).

Let's not even go here. (pictureisunrelated.com)

On Saturday night, I was out to dinner with Mr. Peeved and another couple.  There was a woman a few booths away who had the craziest damn eyebrows I’ve ever seen.  I tried to get a picture for y’all.  Really, I did.  Most came out looking like this:

Too bad I was in a bar and the iphone doesnt zoom.

Her right eyebrow was normal if not a little straight, kind of like Keira Knightly.  Then, her left eyebrow looked like someone had shaved it off, broke out the Sharpie marker and tried to make it look like Tyra Banks’ brow (you know, the crazy one she’s always raising independently of the other one).

Come to think of it, Danielle Staub may have been dining in the same restaurant as me…

Seriously... WTF? (photo from huffingtonpost.com)

I bet the Dragon Lady would have a word with her.  Come to think of it, maybe that‘s what happened.

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24 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Thos pictures crack me up. I’m always fascinated by the eyebrow thing. How does Danielle Staub look in the mirror and think, ‘yep, eyebrows pointing to the sky. looking good’

BTW,the upsell from a pedicure is so spot on. I hate that. Keep your sea salt, keep your flowers, keep your conversation and give me my damn pedicure.

Comment by Conflicted Mean Girl

Skyward eyebrows are one of the many creepy effects of face-lifts. Especially frequent ones. Dolly Parton was the person I had a rant about with her bird wing eyebrows that look as if they’re trying to escape.

Comment by alcotsirk

Oh – scary. I had to google it. Should have added her in. I also hate when people’s eyebrows are too far apart. Like the start almost aligned with the pupil. Creepy.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Oh please Peeved, you must go there on the cat eyebrow thing! Man! In 5-years when this chick realizes what she did, that is going to be one hairy cat smothered with a heck of a lot of full coverage foundation!

Comment by apieceofthepiehole

I can’t even wrap my head around trying to make something funny out of that cat-astrophe (bad pun intended).

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Why do women want to look more like space aliens than humans?
Some of these can be chalked up to not knowing where to stop before it’s too late.
The others’ excuses? Insanity? Bad advice? Friends who hate them?
I don’t know. Bitches be crazy!

Comment by Amy

They certainly are crazy. The worst is when they are pretty to start with. The ugly ones, you can kind of understand.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

As a mere man… see much, think lots, say nowt!

Comment by gallowaygrave

Make that “as a smart man…” 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Screwed up eyebrows are probably some of the funniest makeup mistakes around. And it happens so often! Go through the grocery store, and you can almost always find some woman who thought it was a good idea to pluck them out and replace them with a poorly drawn caricature of real eyebrows. Man, what was there before? I mean, if THAT is an improvement, you must have had a couple of caterpillars up there, or an incredible unibrow or something. And then there’s the vertical range. Some go too high, and some go at a bad angle. They either look like they’re in a perpetual state of surprise, or they’re PMSing, and they’re ready to grab the nearest baby and punt it.

Comment by writerdood

Then there are the overarched – trying to be Angelina – eyebrows where it looks like they are secretly plotting to take over the world one cheating husband at a time.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

LOL! I could totally hear the Dragon Lady’s accent!

Comment by Pop

Thanks. I just write it like I hear it. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO Glad God made me a guy!!! Thank you Lord!! 🙂

Comment by redriverpak

Yeah, just imagine how much you could screw up your eyebrows if you were a woman!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

that is so freaky! eyebrows are the trickiest thing ever! You could have blog posts for days on eyebrows, but I hope I never show up in there…mine are not too bad, but not too good either! (I have small, yet bushy eyebrows, hence my love affair with tweezers and mirrors).

Comment by thelifeofjamie

Put the tweezers down, Jamie. Slowly, slowly… no one is going to get hurt here today… okay?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Leave them natural and just make sure there are two, instead of one. You’ll be glad you did.

Comment by Posky

Wait — I’m supposed to have two? Damn.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

They always ask me if I want my eyebrows waxed. Um…no thank you. No crazy eyebrows for me.

Comment by thoughtsappear

It’s always great when the person asking has really horrible brows herself. Definitely no, thanks. That’s like getting your hair cut by someone with a bad ‘do.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I so agree with the WTH-dom of eyebrow craziness! Whenever I see the painted or drawn-on kind, I have a mad desire to run up to the person with a wet washcloth and erase those mutations right off. Thanks for sharing — this should be made into a public service announcement.

Comment by amanda

I could come up with quite a few public service announcements!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

keep it real, iight

Comment by AnTiViRuS




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