Filed under: General Peevery, Wednesday "What the...?" | Tags: anatomy lessons, annoying, bad parenting, children, drive me up the wall, drunk art, grating, I learned it by watching you, lost in translation, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, playing bagpipes, sarcastic, tartan, vent
Okay folks, turn off your cell phones and grab your popcorn, it’s time for the next installment of “Wednesday What the…?” Same swamp, different thing. Guaranteed to induce some face-grabbing, toe curling screams.
1. What the… are you selling?
- Hmm… I’m so glad I made it out to my favorite Indian restaurant. What do I feel like eating today? Samosa? Those are always good. Shrimp puri? Never had that before. “Deep-Fried Spicy Ground Grouper Balls” – the wha? Now, I’ve heard of Rocky Mountain oysters before, but this is a little too much. Do they even have grouper in India? I’m sure if they did, it would be spicy. What do they even serve this in? A thimble? WTF Someone Should Have Told Us the Correct Translation Is “Fritter”?
- 2. What the… are you wearing?
Okay, forget that this looks like a scene out of Cheaters. It’s hard to do recognizance when you are drunk and armed with only an iphone. There are only two times that a red plaid skirt is considered acceptable attire: 1) if you are Scottish and playing the bagpipes at someone’s wedding and/or 2) it is Christmas day. I don’t make the rules, I just make fun of you when you break them. Let’s play Peeved’s version of what’s wrong with this picture… remember those from the IQ tests? No? Just me? Moving right along… I spot 3 things wrong with this picture (fashion-wise).
Da na na, na na na na na, dun dunna na na, na na na (Jeopardy theme song, yes?)
Let’s see how you did.
- This picture was taken on Labor Day weekend. In the South. Long sleeved black shirt, wool skirt, boots – ’nuff said.
- I would rather see you wear a fanny pack then a fanny pack that you drape across your shoulder. The drape is only appropriate if you have a messenger bag or larger and/or are traveling through a city full of purse snatchers.
- Only supermodels and Miley Cyrus can wear mini skirts and boots. And, when they do, they wear mini skirts and either full-on cowgirl boots or those cute little booties that DSW keeps emailing me about.
WTF Ms. Even If She Does Think She’s In An Episode of CHEATERS, That Is Not What I Meant By Playing the Bagpipes?
3. What the… is that?
Remember that time I told you I shouldn’t be allowed to use my debit card without passing a breathalyzer first? Well, this is why. WTF Was In That Beer? and WTF Am I Supposed To Do With This Now?
4. What the… school do you go to?
Smalls: Mommy, I’m sad.
Peeved: Why are you sad, Smalls?
Smalls: Because you and Biggie are so much smarter than me.
Peeved: Oh, honey, we aren’t smarter than you, we’re just older. Biggie has already been to school for eight years, and mommy went to school for thirteen years and then college for another four. So, you’re not less smart, you just haven’t been to school as much.
Smalls: Oh. Well, actually, I’m really smart. I know lots of things. I learn them in school.
Peeved: Oh yeah? What did you learn?
Smalls: Well, I know that platypuses shut their eyes when they go underwater.
Peeved: They do?
Smalls: And, I know that beavers build their houses out of wood and call them dams and they don’t need those wood cutty things because they use their teeth.
Peeved: They do?
Smalls: Yeah, really, I’m serious. They bite, bite, bite with their teeth. I also know that cheetahs eat fish. And gazelles. And antelopes.
Smalls: Yep, and they hunt them like this [growling]. And then the blood comes out. I know all about the body too.
Peeved: You do?
Smalls: Yep, we have skin and bones and muscles and a brain and then there’s oxygen.
Peeved: Where’s oxygen?
Smalls: In the air. We breathe it. It goes into our stomachs. Yep, I’m definitely smarter than you and Biggie. You don’t even know these things.
This is a daily reflection from Small’s daycare. They ask each kid the same question and then write down the answers for the parents to read at the end of the day. I couldn’t be prouder. WTF Not-So-Smart-Kid That Can Only Count To Two, While My Kid Has Obviously Already Mastered Veterinary Anatomy?
5. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?
Funny. I live right outside the city and I swear I was driving through the city to get to work this morning. Yet, I must have taken a wrong turn and wound up in the lovely town of Backwater. Apparently, there is only one truck and one big truck in Backwater, but lots of cars and buses. Either that or in an effort to save paint, they are cutting down on extraneous letters. Yes, that would explain the 2×4 “sign” on the back of the truck that says “Mobel Tires.” WTF Kind of Mobile Tire Truck Doesn’t Have Any Tires In It’s Cab? Is it bring your own tire day in Backwater?
6. What the… is wrong with you?
It’s not you, it’s me. What is wrong with me that I almost bought a bumper sticker the other day? Only that it is the best bumper sticker ever. Oh, ha ha, isn’t that funny. I bet these people also have a “Mean People Suck” sticker on their car. What a public service announcement. Jack-knives.
Peeved: [walking into the grocery store] Biggie, could you stop walking in front of the cart?
Biggie: [talking REALLY loud] Oh my gosh! That girl needs a haircut. [Girl is 2 feet away from Biggie]
Peeved: Biggie! Shh! That’s not nice.
Biggie: Well, she does. Did you SEE those split ends? Ugh.
Peeved: Biggie. Stop it. It’s not nice to make fun of people.
Biggie: Well, you do.
Smalls: Yeah, you do.
Peeved: Knock it off, the both of you!
Biggie: I was just saying she needed a haircut. That’s not mean, it was the truth. Her split ends were out of control.
Smalls: Yeah, seriously. Out of control, mom.
WTF And The Mother Of The Year Award Goes To…?
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