Perpetually Peeved


Cleaning house

It’s not that I don’t like cleaning.  It’s that I loathe it.  I have texture issues that prevent me from wanting to touch anything that has been sitting in the sink longer than 30 seconds.  I’m deathly allergic to dust.  I have a not-so-mild case of ADD mixed with OCD.  So, I will start cleaning the living room and three hours later, my DVDs will be arranged categorically and alphabetically and the rest of the house will still look like a bomb went off.

oooh.... colors... organization...

Every night when I see the first star in the sky, I close my eyes tight and whisper, “star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight…  I wish for… a cleaning lady.” 

Well, Princess Tiana, I’m not.

I’m left winded and disappointed every time.

With no fairy godmothers showing up to my parties, my adventures in housekeeping leave me pleading to my husband to let someone else come over and do the work.  My husband is the type that works more than full-time and still wanted to build the backyard playset for the children from scratch.  You can guess what his response was.

Phooey.

Then, there is the issue of budget.  Nowadays, everyone is on a budget.  Cutting back, getting out of debt, preparing for the future…  In order to justify the expense of a cleaning lady, I would need to to some serious cutting back in other areas.  Hmm…  TV/Cable?  No way.  Glee just had it’s premiere tonight.  And, Survivor: Nicaragua is pretty rockin’ so far.  Cell phone?  Dream on.  That iphone is my woobie.  I literally sleep with it in my hand.  Don’t even mention the word that starts with “sh” and ends with “oes.”  So, what would I give up in order to get a cleaning lady?

Oh yeah, you can hear it now... "Don't stop believing..."

1.  THE DVD COLLECTION:  Let’s start there.  Because, really, how many times can my husband make me watch Gladiator and Braveheart? Unless it’s Grease or Dirty Dancing, it’s not worth watching over and over.  And, those two are on TBS at least twice a month.  So, we’re good.

2.  MY FIRST BORN CHILD:  What?  You spend just thirty minutes in a mall with her and then we’ll talk.  Besides, she’s the one making most of the messes.

3.  MY PINKY TOES:  What are they good for anyway?  It’s not like the big toes that we need for balance.  Sure, they wouldn’t fetch as much as a kidney, but a family like mine will drive you to drink.  I’m going to need all the internal organs I can get later in life.

4.  TEETH:  I have 20 baby teeth and two adult molars I could hock.  Baby teeth fetch a pretty penny these days.  Come to think of it, Smalls will be losing hers soon anyway… we could make that 40. And, I have to assume that molars are worth something.  Why else would the dentist give them to you after he yanks them out of your mouth?

Here's an idea... maybe a nice strand of baby teeth could fetch a buck or two.

5.  SOCKS.  I have at least 10 socks.  They could be re-knitted into a sweater or something.  So what if none of them match?  I’m sure I’ll find the mates as soon as I get rid of them.

6.  FOOD.  Tons of it.  All stuffed in my kitchen cabinets.  I have no use for it.  I can replace it all with Ramen Noodles and Birdseye Steamers because, really, that’s all I know how to cook.

No?  Okay!  Fine!  I’ll sell the kidney.  If I need one when I’m old, well, that’s what kids are for, right?

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11 Comments so far
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Retain all items for bartering later, except the teeth necklaces… they are gross. (BTW, whoever sorted the DVD collection needs help, now, quickly, life is too short for that degree of neatness, IMHO)

Comment by Dave Hambidge

That’s not actually my DVD collection… Mine is color-coded as well. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Peeved Lady: ADD(ain’t doin dishes?). Girl, you best be gettin o’er da shoes ting. Marco Polo would stabbed ya about six blocks into his little hike. However, I DID get some wicked “kicks” downtown at Calle Ocho this weekend. They’re called PFC’s(Puerto Rican Fence Climbers). Esto es solo una broma mis amigos. Soy el Espanol de parte yo mismo. Mes los zapatos realmente chulos para andar en gringos. Loose translation: Me and my dawgs be down.

Comment by carldagostino

I think what that really said was that you’re going to punch me in the mouth, sweep up my teeth and make necklaces out of them. Which, is all well and good as long as you and your amigos pay up. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I could never do violence against the Peeved Lady(maybe throw a shoe or two, however). We need you alive and well if just to show us there is at least one blogger more crazier than most of us. All it says is for the Ricans not to be mad at me for “PFC’s” reference because the shoes are cool for stepping on anglos. Ooops, now in trouble for that.

Comment by carldagostino

If I didn’t have a deaf dog, I’d have a cleaning lady. Something simple, like twice a month, doing stuff I despise like mopping and cleaning mildew of the tiles in the shower. But that dog… I can only imagine the calls I’d get.
“Your dog drank some of the Tilex.”
“I can’t get the BDD out of the bathtub to clean it.”
“It appears she escaped from the backyard.”
“I can’t get her to get out from behind the couch.”
“She won’t stop licking my toes/the cabinets/the couch/the mop/the Comet.”
Yeah… no cleaning lady for a while.

Comment by Brooke

I love to organize. I hate to clean. The bathroom is the worse. Scrubbing shower corners and toilets? No thank you!
Maybe we could split a cleaning lady?

Comment by Amy

*worst (urg)

Comment by Amy

I concur. Organizing good. Cleaning bad.

Comment by Brooke

okay, how about we all go in on the cleaning lady?
peeved: you take her/him on mondays.
i’ll take tuesdays
we’ll send her up to athens on wednesday.
and friday, she’s headed for louisville.
and pp: love the mr. mom reference. that just made my day.

Comment by katie o.

I share your want for a cleaning lady as well! However, I think my OCD of having a neat and orderly house is getting worse as I get older. It is so noticeable that even my 21/2 year old has to have her room neat and tidy before we hit the lights at night.

Comment by apieceofthepiehole




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