Filed under: Parenting | Tags: annoying, born yesterday, children, don't look at me when I poop, drive me up the wall, funny kids, grating, nervous breakdown, parenthood, parenting, peeve, pet peeves, pre-teen, sarcastic, shaving accidents, smart-ass kids, vent
BIGGIE
One only needs to look back a few posts to know how I feel about eyebrows. So, the other day when I noticed something funky going on with Biggie’s eyebrows, I had to get to the bottom of things.
Peeved: Biggie – what the heck happened to your eyebrow?
Biggie: Nothing. What are you talking about?
Peeved: That – right there. That eyebrow did not always start almost at the middle of your pupil. And, the other eyebrow doesn’t match. What did you do to your eyebrow?
Biggie: Nothing, mom. Geesh! [eyeroll, foot stomp]
Peeved: [grabbing Biggie by the chin for closer inspection] OH MY GOD! You shaved your eyebrows!?
Biggie: No.
Peeved: Well, somebody did.
Biggie: Well, I was in the shower and I was shaving my armpit and I got soap in my eye and when I went to wipe it off I accidentally shaved off part of my eyebrow.
Peeved: You ACCIDENTALLY shaved off part of your eyebrow?
Biggie: Yes! I had soap in my eye!
Peeved: Well, you are not allowed to shave anymore.
Biggie: What?! Gosh, mom! You’re the worst! [eyeroll, foot stomp]
Peeved: Obviously, you can’t be trusted to keep razor blades from accidentally coming near your eyeball. No more shaving unless you tell me the truth.
Biggie: I am telling the truth! Don’t call me a liar!
Peeved: Well, what happened to the other eyebrow?
Biggie: Well, I had to try and even them out a little bit. Am I going to be punished?
Peeved: No. I think living with those crazy eyebrows will be punishment enough for shaving them. However, you will be punished for lying.
Biggie: I’m not lying!!! It was an accident!!
Funny, when I was younger my stepmother always used to say, “Do you think I was born yesterday?” and I would wait until she walked away and whisper, “No, the day before.” She also said I’d get back everything I ever gave her. Who’s laughing now?
- Who knew shaving your armpits could lead to Lasik so easily?
SMALLS
There are many sacrifices we make as we become parents: the ability to run around the house naked, curse loudly, sit down for an extended period of time, sleep in, and go to the bathroom alone are just a few. It’s Saturday morning, Mr. Peeved has been sick for the last few days and I have the beginning of a nasty respiratory virus. All I want to do is sleep in. Alas, 8:20 brings this conversation to my ears:
Biggie: [in the bathroom] Get out!
Smalls: I have to go!
Biggie: Well, I’m going. You can’t go. Get out!
Smalls: Biggie! I have to go!
Biggie: Smalls! I’m going to the bathroom. I need privacy. Get out!
Smalls: I don’t have to get out.
Biggie: Yes, you do. You can’t just come in the bathroom when someone is using it. I need privacy! Get out!
Smalls: I am giving you privacy.
Biggie: No, you’re not. You’re still in here. Get out of the bathroom!
Smalls: Biggie, privacy is when you don’t look at someone when they’re going to the bathroom.
Yes, Smalls, when you have a 4-year-old in the house, that’s exactly what privacy is.
A Smart-Ass
My father always tells me I’m a smart-ass. I always tell him I’d rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. My nephew, he doesn’t fall far from the Aunt Emma tree. At the age of three, this kid could tell you the difference between a bucket and a pail. By the time he was four, he knew what sarcasm was and had perfected his deadpan delivery. Here’s a text I received from my sister on Friday:
19 Comments so far
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Perpetually Peeved 
Oh man, the “it was an accident” conversation brings back so many memories. I can’t even count how many times I tried that one…
and that picture is amazing!
Comment by Conflicted Mean Girl October 18, 2010 @ 11:11 amThanks. It’s the only one in four years that I’ve managed to take where the both of them are looking at the camera and not acting afool. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 1:39 pmHer eyebrow? Jeez, I hope school pictures aren’t any time soon. I like the way your Smalls thinks. And I like they way your nephew thinks even more.
Comment by Brooke October 18, 2010 @ 11:41 amThank goodness the school pics were taken last week! Otherwise, I would have been calling them up and asking how much extra to airbrush back in an eyebrow. Some days, these kids are just too darn smart for me.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 1:41 pmMy favorite thing about the whole post is just how sweet and innocent biggie and smalls look in that picture. Ahh, the deception. 🙂
Comment by katie o. October 18, 2010 @ 11:45 amWhat you can’t see on your monitor is that it’s like one of those pics you buy at party city around Halloween time — if you walk to your left while looking at it, they grow horns and fangs.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 1:41 pmBiggie probably won’t do the eyebrow thing ever again… we as women tend not to repeat mistakes when it comes to our beauty. 🙂 And what a precious pic of Biggie and Smalls!
Comment by Bonnie October 18, 2010 @ 12:27 pmYou mean you won’t ever try to cut your own bangs again? 😉
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 1:42 pmThat is an adorable picture of your girls, but I see that look in Smalls’s eyes. The “I have them all fooled” look.
The eyebrow story is classic! Although, I can see myself doing something as idiotic as accidentally half way shaving off my own eyebrow. In my case I would have been telling the truth and no one would believe me.
Comment by Amy October 18, 2010 @ 1:26 pmWell, she is a spaz. But, you’d pretty much have to be extremely double jointed and having a major seizure to do the damage she did on accident.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 1:43 pmLol at the eyebrow incident and GREAT picture!
Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh October 18, 2010 @ 5:21 pmThanks, Idiot. (Gosh, I’ve always wanted to say that!)
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 18, 2010 @ 5:23 pmIn my neck of the woods we call the accidental eyebrow shave The Pink Floyd Movie. However, truly accidental is pretty darn rare. It’s right up there with knocking a knife off the kitchen counter and having it stick right into your foot and go SPROING!!!!
Incidentally, eyebrows are proof there isn’t a god. No intelligent design behind them!
Comment by shoutabyss October 18, 2010 @ 6:06 pmI thought douchebags were proof there isn’t a god… (?)
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 19, 2010 @ 11:24 am“My father always tells me I’m a smart-ass. I always tell him I’d rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass.”
This is a great quote.
Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef October 19, 2010 @ 12:41 amThanks! Feel free to use it.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 19, 2010 @ 11:24 amHey, that’s a pretty good excuse. It could potentially sort of maybe actually happen, in some kind of strange alternate reality where you could hold a razor next to your eyebrow while trying to get soap out of your eye. This is exactly how I lost my left testicle.
Comment by writerdood October 19, 2010 @ 8:58 amI don’t want to know what your testicle was doing next to your eyeball.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 19, 2010 @ 11:25 amI’m still trying to imagine how a razor slips from the armpit to the eyebrow…that’s a long way to travel no??
Comment by crazygoangirl October 20, 2010 @ 8:27 am