Filed under: Anti-Peeves | Tags: annoying, anti-peeve, costumes, creepy, diy tomstones, drive me up the wall, goblins, grating, gravestones, halloween, haunted houses, monsters, nervous breakdown, netherworld, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, scared, scary, vent, zombies
Just outside the city where I live, there is a complex of massive warehouses that get converted into haunted wonderlands each Halloween. Zombies, goblins and strange ladies covered with doll heads roam the grounds. Spooky music blasts from the speakers above and the screaming from inside drowns out the noise of the adjacent interstate. People pay money to stand in line for over an hour and slowly walk through blackened tunnels that house myriad creatures waiting to jump out and force their hearts into overdrive. Tonight, I will be one of those people.
This is one of the actual guys there... (photo courtesy of fearworld.com)
The first and last time Mr. Peeved and I went to this haunted house, I thought I was going to die. It went something like this:
Mr. Peeved: Are you going to be okay?
Peeved: Yes. No. Ack! Does that lady have doll heads on her?
Mr. Peeved: It’s all fake, you know that, right?
Peeved: Why is she coming over here? Make her not come over here!
Mr. Peeved: You can’t even handle waiting in line and you want to go in there?
Peeved: Aaah… aaah… she’s coming closer.
Mr. Peeved: They can see who’s scared and they’ll pick on you. Pretend it doesn’t bother you.
Peeved: Okay. No. That’s not working. Hold me.
Mr. Peeved: [eyeroll] You are ridiculous. Get over here.
*****
Peeved: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (I scream better than Janet Leigh on her best day)
Mr. Peeved: I. Can’t. Breathe.
Peeved: Sorry, but it was a clow…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: If you’re just going to close your eyes and bury your head in my back, why did we pay to get in here?
Peeved: Because it’s fun, it’s totally sca… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh my God, OH MY GOD, I’m going to die!
Mr. Peeved: You are not going to die. It’s fake, remember.
Peeved: No, I’m going to have a heart attack and die.
Mr. Peeved: Well, that would make for a great date.
Peeved: Okay, maybe I’m exaggera… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*****
Mr. Peeved: Can you stop stepping on the back of my heels?
Peeved: Sur…….. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: Okay, it’s almost over. I have to tell you something. Are you listening?
Peeved: Ye…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: Okay, when we walk out the back door, you’re going to think it’s over. It’s not. There’s going to be a guy that runs after you with a chainsaw. There is no blade in the chainsaw. Don’t freak out. It’s fake. Okay?
Peeved: Oka….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: Okay?
Peeved: Okay.
Mr. Peeved: It’s fake. Now, come on, let’s go.
Peeved: Okay. Man that was fun! Let’s do it again next yea… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holy crap! He has a chainsa…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*****
Don’t worry. If I die from fright, Mr. Peeved has already picked out my tombstone:
Here lies a guy named STAN… got too close to the ceiling fan.
Here lies an atheist named MOE… all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Here lies a guy named DRAKE… choked to death on a soggy cornflake.
Here lies a girl named SUE… she was killed by the guy that is standing behind you.
Here lies a girl named EMILY… she never shut up.
21 Comments so far
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Perpetually Peeved 
I don’t like to be scared. I hate scary movies, I don’t like haunted houses…I don’t like the being on edge and the unpredictability of it all!
Comment by thelifeofjamie October 22, 2010 @ 10:39 amYou should try it. It actually is kind of fun once it’s over and you’ve had a chance to change your underwear. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:54 pmMy heart was racing reading that and that picture is terrifying. I don’t think I’d do well there. I’d have to bring a change of underwear.
Comment by Andrea Simpson - Conflicted Mean Girl October 22, 2010 @ 10:45 amLike any good date, a change of underwear is a must.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:54 pmI’ve always wanted to go to Netherworld, but all my friends are big chickens.
Comment by Amy October 22, 2010 @ 12:01 pmHave fun and don’t die!
I’ll try not to die if you try not to judge my cotton candy spiderwebs above. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:53 pmI totally can’t do haunted houses – the last time I did I was 14 and stuck my face into my friend’s dad’s back the entire time. I’m such a wuss… though I’m going to see how many of The Walking Dead episodes I can get through before calling it quits.
Comment by Brooke October 22, 2010 @ 12:12 pmI watch scary movies the same way I go through haunted houses. I cover my eyes and tell my husband to let me know when it’s over.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:56 pmMy vote for scariest movie: “The Blair Witch Project,” because the scares are all psychological. There’s no gore, no special effects, and it’s all entirely plausible. Someone really could be out in the woods messing with these college students.
Comment by Todd Pack October 22, 2010 @ 3:46 pmlove. it. i can totally see you burying your face in mr. peeved’s back. outstanding. and please tell me that if i were to drive past your house, these tombstones would be in your yard?
Comment by katie o. October 22, 2010 @ 12:25 pmWell, they aren’t in the yard yet. We’re running a tad bit behind on decorating. But, they will be there in time for our Halloween party.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:56 pmThis post is so hilarious!!!! You have made me laugh out loud – LOVE it!!!! (I can totally dig being afraid of clowns……Ewwwww)
Comment by Paije October 22, 2010 @ 1:32 pmJust the word “clowns” makes me want to hide under the covers. Poltergeist ruined me forever.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:57 pmEnvy your ability to enjoy these delightful, wholesome, and safe venues. We have areas like this in Miami.But they are not make-believe. They are called crack houses and dope holes. The police don’t shut them down. They harvest several hundred buyers each weekend to create “clients” for our criminal justice industry. It is not a war on drugs but a war on very ill people and addicts. It is called the felonization of America. I am sorry to editoralize on this fun post and respect deletion if so deemed inappropriate..
Comment by carldagostino October 22, 2010 @ 1:50 pmI bet they don’t have any parades in Miami… too many people pissing on ’em. J/K. I’d never delete you, D’Ag.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved October 22, 2010 @ 1:58 pmAwesome, Peeved. Did you ever hear the story about the guy with the hook on his hand who went around killing teenagers? I don’t remember the story, so I can’t tell it to you, but it’s exactly why I can’t do haunted houses. Big bloody hook hands just mess me up.
Comment by 36x37 October 22, 2010 @ 4:20 pmAHAHAHAHA!! I soooo hope you had a great time tonight… I love those things too but tend to sound like, well like you, when I go. Nuttin’ wrong with that!! 🙂
Comment by Bonnie October 22, 2010 @ 9:43 pmThis is hilarious! I have been in line with someone who exhibited almost the same behavior as yourself. Only instead of being strong and reassuring I helped the chainsaw guy. Sorry! I am so glad I found your site. I’ll be back and will look for you on Twitter.
Comment by educlaytion October 22, 2010 @ 10:28 pmLaughing my head off – ooh, maybe I can get job at haunted house! This is seriously funny – and scary. I hate scary s%$t. May the force be with you. Post soon so we know you made it out. BOO!
Comment by izziedarling October 23, 2010 @ 6:48 pmDIE for Halloween! Great post!
Comment by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson October 24, 2010 @ 9:22 pmAwesome post!
I want to go. I think I saw that place on some Spooky places thing they had on TV.
Comment by thoughtsappear October 26, 2010 @ 8:37 am