Filed under: Anti-Peeves | Tags: annoying, anti-peeve, costumes, creepy, diy tomstones, drive me up the wall, goblins, grating, gravestones, halloween, haunted houses, monsters, nervous breakdown, netherworld, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, scared, scary, vent, zombies
Just outside the city where I live, there is a complex of massive warehouses that get converted into haunted wonderlands each Halloween. Zombies, goblins and strange ladies covered with doll heads roam the grounds. Spooky music blasts from the speakers above and the screaming from inside drowns out the noise of the adjacent interstate. People pay money to stand in line for over an hour and slowly walk through blackened tunnels that house myriad creatures waiting to jump out and force their hearts into overdrive. Tonight, I will be one of those people.
The first and last time Mr. Peeved and I went to this haunted house, I thought I was going to die. It went something like this:
Mr. Peeved: Are you going to be okay?
Peeved: Yes. No. Ack! Does that lady have doll heads on her?
Mr. Peeved: It’s all fake, you know that, right?
Peeved: Why is she coming over here? Make her not come over here!
Mr. Peeved: You can’t even handle waiting in line and you want to go in there?
Peeved: Aaah… aaah… she’s coming closer.
Mr. Peeved: They can see who’s scared and they’ll pick on you. Pretend it doesn’t bother you.
Peeved: Okay. No. That’s not working. Hold me.
Mr. Peeved: [eyeroll] You are ridiculous. Get over here.
Peeved: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (I scream better than Janet Leigh on her best day)
Mr. Peeved: I. Can’t. Breathe.
Peeved: Sorry, but it was a clow…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: If you’re just going to close your eyes and bury your head in my back, why did we pay to get in here?
Peeved: Because it’s fun, it’s totally sca… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh my God, OH MY GOD, I’m going to die!
Mr. Peeved: You are not going to die. It’s fake, remember.
Peeved: No, I’m going to have a heart attack and die.
Mr. Peeved: Well, that would make for a great date.
Peeved: Okay, maybe I’m exaggera… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: Can you stop stepping on the back of my heels?
Peeved: Sur…….. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Peeved: Okay, it’s almost over. I have to tell you something. Are you listening?
Mr. Peeved: Okay, when we walk out the back door, you’re going to think it’s over. It’s not. There’s going to be a guy that runs after you with a chainsaw. There is no blade in the chainsaw. Don’t freak out. It’s fake. Okay?
Mr. Peeved: Okay?
Mr. Peeved: It’s fake. Now, come on, let’s go.
Peeved: Okay. Man that was fun! Let’s do it again next yea… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holy crap! He has a chainsa…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Don’t worry. If I die from fright, Mr. Peeved has already picked out my tombstone:
Here lies a guy named STAN… got too close to the ceiling fan.
Here lies an atheist named MOE… all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Here lies a guy named DRAKE… choked to death on a soggy cornflake.
Here lies a girl named SUE… she was killed by the guy that is standing behind you.
Here lies a girl named EMILY… she never shut up.
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