The Upside to Teenage Vampire Offspring
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October 25, 2010, 5:32 pm
Filed under: Parenting | Tags: annoying, children, drive me up the wall, grating, halloween, hip hop zombie, mother, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, pre-teen, sarcastic, twilight, vampires, vent
Filed under: Parenting | Tags: annoying, children, drive me up the wall, grating, halloween, hip hop zombie, mother, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, pre-teen, sarcastic, twilight, vampires, vent
Biggie and I volunteered at the PTA pumpkin sale on Sunday. To attract customers to the sale, she dressed up as a vampire and danced around the roadside with a sign.
Biggie: So, wouldn’t it be cool to have a vampire as your kid?
Peeved: No.
Biggie: Why not?
Peeved: Because then you could torture me for eternity.
Biggie: No. I could only torture you for the rest of your life. You’d still be mortal.
*****
The other upsides to having teenage vampire offspring?
- You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting hurt.
- You wouldn’t have to pester them to make their bed (they don’t even need beds).
- You wouldn’t have to feed them (and if you did, they could order the kid’s meal for eternity).
- You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting sunburned.
- You wouldn’t have to drive them everywhere (they could just run everywhere real fast).
- They don’t stand in front of the mirror for hours looking at themselves and dancing (ha – they have no reflections).
- You wouldn’t have to pay for orthodontia – so what if that canine sticks up a little bit?
- They can’t have pets.
- You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting pregnant. (My husband’s personal favorite.)
- The threat level of a wooden spoon would suddenly skyrocket.
Come to think of it, Biggie would rather be a zombie...
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Perpetually Peeved 
Great! The not having to worry about the Orthodontist bills has me sold! Where do I sign my kid up before he bankrupts me? 🙂
Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh October 25, 2010 @ 6:36 pmRight? Combine that with the money you save on food bills and we may be onto something here.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:19 pmI love this and have often thought my kids have a lot in common with vampires. I even write a post on why my kids make vampires seem real: http://slightlyoffbalanceblog.com/2010/08/30/i-believe-in-vampire-because-of-my-kids/
Comment by Paige Morgan October 25, 2010 @ 6:51 pmha ha – the “glamour” part is so true!
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:20 pmOMG #10 THE WOODEN SPOON I though this was a secret in Sicilian households only and not for the uninitiated. All original immigrant, first and second generation Italian women have a wooded spoon to beat you with. It is the fifth appendage. When I was little I said to myself when is she going to stir or mix something with that GD spoon? Whack. Pabt. Swish. When I was 12 I told Ma that it was made to mix salad not to hit me and she never did again
Comment by carldagostino October 25, 2010 @ 7:02 pmDid you miss the part where I’m Italian?
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:20 pmhmm, it’s starting to sound like a pretty resonable alternative to my own life. 😉
Comment by katie o. October 25, 2010 @ 9:12 pmYes, except however you are when you get bitten is how you stay. Which means, I would have to go on a major diet. Which, is never going to happen. 😉
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:21 pmYou let her out of the door with different coloured shoe laces… SHAME on you PP (teehee, back to stir up)
Comment by Dave Hambidge October 26, 2010 @ 3:15 amOh how I’ve missed you stirring stuff up! 😉 At least she has two of the same colored shoe on. Usually she wears one yellow converse and one gray converse and the yellow one has green laces and the gray one has orange. Believe me, I have to pick battles – shoelaces is the least of my worries.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:22 pmI can quite imagine so, she being the tormentor from hell!
Comment by gallowaygrave November 1, 2010 @ 2:33 pm“No. I could only torture you for the rest of your life. You’d still be mortal.” Quick-witted with a bit of sass. Wonder where she gets that?
Comment by mc6pack October 26, 2010 @ 6:38 amObviously, her father.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:22 pmI don’t know if you’re a True Blood (HBO) fan, but if you are, then you already know that having a vampire in the house could dramatically increase your chances of having Eric Northman(Alexander Sarsgaard) stop by.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Northman
So that’s a big bonus.
Comment by 36x37 October 26, 2010 @ 10:54 amMmm…mmm…mmm… Eric. I have to pick up the latest book in that series. I forgot about that yumminess.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:23 pmBeing a True Blood fan, I love this post. You left off one more bonus… Bill Compton may pay you a visit! 🙂
Comment by apieceofthepiehole October 26, 2010 @ 1:39 pmI prefer Eric. I’ve always been that way, though… more of a Dillon girl than a Brandon girl. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:24 pmYour husband’s personal favorite made me LOL! 🙂
Comment by Bonnie October 27, 2010 @ 11:59 amHe’s already started looking into nunneries.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:25 pmThe wooden spoon still sends chills through my non vampire heart. There is a restaurant called the wooden spoon in the keys. I have to drive past it with my eyes closed. Sadly, I only get to do that once a year.
Comment by omawarisan October 28, 2010 @ 4:04 pmThat is funny. I bet it’s some good cooking – or, that people just say it is for fear of spoon-sponsored retaliation. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved November 1, 2010 @ 2:26 pmShe’s a beautiful zombie – are you sure about the pregnant part (I’m not zombified). No dental bills – woo double hoo.
Comment by izziedarling October 28, 2010 @ 4:32 pm