Perpetually Peeved

The Wanderer

Conferences are good for three things: free food and drinks, free vendor goodies, and blog fodder. Really, folks, I’m getting some good stuff for you here. What sucks most about conferences? There are a lot of people, all in one place, and they all want to talk to you about the weather. Um, we’re in San Diego. It’s beautiful. Good talk.

Have you ever tried to talk to someone with a wonky eye? You know, when one eye is looking at you and the other is looking just a little to the left? Disconcerting, right? Especially when they switch halfway through and you’re left wondering if you were looking at the right eye the whole time. At least they have a physical defect. I mean, it’s not like they can help it. You just have to look right between their eyes and hightail it out if there as soon as possible.

Barring physical defect, there is no good reason not to look someone in the eye when you’re speaking with them.

(I’m blogging from the train on my iPhone… That’s all I got, sorry)

[yesterday, at the conference]

The Wanderer: So, where are you from? (looking at a spot somewhere in between over-my-shoulder and my left boob)

Peeved: The southeast. (Oh my god, do I have dandruff?) And, you? (discreetly brushing off my shoulder)

The Wanderer: Oh, the Northeast. (Not even a flicker of eye contact.)

Peeved: Oh, they were supposed to get snow today. (A booger in my nose? An Alphalpha hair or two? Did I write on myself with pen again?)

The Wanderer: Yep, they did. Sure glad I’m in San Diego. (still staring)

Peeved: Yeah, the weather sure is beautiful. (My bra strap showing? Something in my teeth? Slunch dripped down my suit? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT LADY?????!!!!!)

The Wanderer: Yep, beautiful. (I don’t think she’s even blinked.)

Peeved: Well, nice to meet you…(Shuffling off to the bathroom where I was sure I would see a tiny twin growing out of my left collar bone.)

Seriously. The shit we put up with for some free swag.

25 Comments so far
Leave a comment

A tiny twin huh? I got a flipper growing out of mine! 🙂

Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh

Ew. You would. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

my weirdo, ultra-conservative neighbor has a wonky eye (turns out he is blind in one eye). When he talks to me, I feel physically uncomfortable! That and he is always pressuring me to go to church, let him take my child to Sunday School (not happening) and asking me about politics (I refuse to engage). That and I feel like he is always going to make a move on me! It’s amazing what one weird eye can do…

Comment by thelifeofjamie

I think I finally figured out what that iPhone note about lazy-eyed pedophiles was all about… scary.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

OK, but let’s focus on what’s important: Tell us about the swag! Are we talking cheap peppermints, or are we talking about the good stuff? 🙂

Comment by Todd Pack

Well, I did win an Ipod Nano. Which is kind of disappointing because I have to give it to Biggie for Christmas. Why oh why couldn’t it have been a Kindle?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

How did you convince my ex to pose with you in the picture? Ah. The expression. That is actually a smile coming from her. I am impressed with your pose as well. Obviously you’ve attended charm school in Newark. Or the Bronx.

Comment by carldagostino

No self-respecting New Yorker would ever go to Newark.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Did the gorilla give informed consent to be so snapped?
Whom has the kids? Where are the halloween photos?

Comment by Dave Hambidge

What gorilla? That’s my Aunt Margaret – don’t you see the resemblence?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Small talk at conferences is the worst. I always try to find the table with the loud, cackling ladies cause they always know where the party is at and can lead me to the good booze.

Comment by Amy

I know, it’s torturous, isn’t it. They should start serving booze in the morning. Screw continental breakfast! Where are the mimosas?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Ha! Reminds me of when I was young, mid-twenties, and was super skinny with big boobs (I was the kind of girl I like to hate now). It was the eighties, so I got to wear giant shoulder pads to detract from my chest, which helped only a little. I still spent most of my days in corporate attire pissed off because no one with a Y chromosome could make eye contact with me. Anyway, I was at a post-press conference cocktail event, speaking with an octogenarian male who couldn’t stop staring at my cleavage. It might have been the vodka-on-the-rocks talking, but finally I said “If you don’t stop staring at the tits, I’m going to bend over and check out your crotch!” That’s when he told me, very politely, there was something sticking out of my blouse. I ran to the women’s room and saw in the mirror one of my shoulder pads had broken loose and was coming out of my top. It was as if my breasts were giving birth.

Comment by itslisa

The mental imagery you have created will keep me warm all day!

Comment by Dave Hambidge

That’s some smooth talk there Dave. “Imagery” my patuzzi!

Comment by carldagostino

I will apologize for my readers. Men! I love the story!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

My seventh grade science teacher had lost part of her face. I believe to cancer but when you’re 12 you don’t ask questions. You stare. She had a plastic form that held a glass eye that connected to her glasses. No one ever tried passing notes in that class – she might have had only one eye but you never knew where she was looking.

Comment by Brooke

BROOKE: Not that I like to laugh at people’s physical misfortunes(I have been infected with white hair and wrinkles) but my 7th grade science teacher looked like some one’s failed science experiment from the monster mags. I could not help but remember and laugh from your comment.

Comment by carldagostino


Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I hope you are enjoying your trip…just wanted to let you know I went out in jeans, a sweater and my flip flops today!!! 🙂

Comment by thelifeofjamie

You’re lucky I’m back. I would have found you, snapped your photo and put you up on Wednesday What The! 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I’d let someone stare at my moobs for swag. What can I say? I’m easy.

Comment by Pop

Hmm… surprisingly, no comments about that imagery keeping anyone warm and fuzzy… 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Did she have a lazy eye. My kid’s doctor has one and it drives me crazy to know how to look at him and what he is looking at. I end up just looking at his forhead the whole time…

Comment by apieceofthepiehole

No. No lazy eye. It was the weirdest thing. She just kept staring at my clavicle bone the whole time. Maybe she was seeing double and thought that was where my eyes were?

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

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