Perpetually Peeved


You’re kidding me, right?

I don’t usually pay much mind to the Golden Globe nominations, but earlier today someone posted a prediction poll. Out of curiosity, I checked it out. Of all the movies nominated, I had seen three. Inception, Despicable Me, and… Burlesque. Yes, Burlesque. Here’s something to vote on: what is worse? A) the fact that I saw Burlesque in the theater, or B) the fact that the Golden Globes nominated it without even the excuse of an adamant sister and the bribe of a few beers?

Grease? Yes. Chicago? Yes. Moulin Rouge? Hell yes. Burlesque? Bob Fosse just sashayed in his grave.

Tonight, having been ousted from my room by a Care Bear Movie infatuated four-year-old and booted off the computer by a boy infatuated twelve-year-old, I decided to indulge in a little guilty pleasure: House Hunters International. Don’t judge. At least I don’t yell at the TV like my mom does when the idiots pick the wrong house. Besides, it could be worse… last night it was Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Oy vey! Anywho… I’m minding my own business and out of nowhere – BAM! – exactly how low we as Americans have stooped slaps me in the face. Vanilla Ice has his own show. No, wait. Vanilla Ice has his own home improvement show. Bob Villa just turned over in his grave.

What? He’s not dead yet? Did you hear that? (dun dun dun dun na na na…) That’s him putting the finishing touches on his custom coffin and getting the table saw ready.

Lord help us all.

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Egads, even the Pepto is pink!

The other night, I was taking Smalls into Toys -R -Us to get another Department of Torture Electronic Mini-Operative Zhu Zhu Pet.  Yes, I know they drive me insane, but what drives me more insane is the whining Smalls was doing before I bribed her to stop with another Zhu Zhu Pet.  So, off to the toy store because somehow a child who can “forget” she needs to throw her dirty clothes in the hamper within two seconds of mommy telling her to, can remember an arbitrary promise/bribe that was made weeks ago.

After stopping to pick up some flip flops, a SpongeBob lollipop and a lightsaber, I decided to just ask an associate where the little electric rodents were located.

Me: Excuse me, Sir. Where are the Zhu Zhu Pets? (Because I’m running out of hands and I’m gonna be flat broke by the time I get past the checkout if you leave me to my own devices.)

ToyGuy: They are right over here.  Wait, do you want the girl ones or the boy ones?

Me: No, they’re just hamsters.  I mean, they’re not made for boys or girls.

ToyGuy: The regular ones and the babies are in the girl section, the ones in the boy section are like ninjas and stunt hamsters.

Really? The toy company obviously never met Smalls.  Because, let me tell you, she has a mean drop-kick!

GIRLS ONLY!

NINJA = BOY!

This whole gender segregation is totally out of hand.  If you look at a sales ad for Toys – R – Us, everything associated with “domesticity” is being modeled by girls.  Babies, Barbies, animals, kitchens…  You will never see a boy modeling a kitchen – a grill, maybe, but not a kitchen.  You will also never see a boy with a babydoll.  Just like you will never see a girl playing with a car or a dinosaur.  Even Legos, which should be unisex and universal have segregated the toys to market pink house and horse sets to girls and blue house and helicopter (?) sets to boys.

LEGO® Pink Brick Box (5585) - LEGO® bricks in beautiful colors! Build a house, a pony, or anything else you can imagine with this special box filled with LEGO bricks in colors you love and elements like fences, windows, doors and flowers!

Following the included instructions and using pieces in the starter kit, kids can build a house, helicopter, dog, and car.

This gender segregation continues even as we get older.  Mother’s Day rolls around and what are the ads for?  With the exception of jewelry, most of the wares they are pushing consist of things for the house.  Get Mom a photo apron or a set of coasters.  Buy her a new vacuum, a photo frame, a coffee mug or a cookbook.  And, what to get Dad this year for Father’s Day?  Hmm… grilling tools, a brew-your-own beer kit, fishing gear, golf clubs, power tools…   Actually, they do make power tools for Mom too…  and golf clubs…  and fishing gear…

popgadget.net

womensgolfgifts.org

fishergirl.com

Just search for “XYZ for women” – I’ll bet you a beer (YES, WOMEN DRINK BEER), it will come up pink.  It’s enough to make a girl nauseated.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you Dad’s out there.  Hope you get a hand painted masterpiece or a nice picture of you with your kids (the kind of stuff you should be getting on this occasion).  Although, I may just get this for my hubby… what do you think?

bigshop.com.au



Three strikes – you’re out!

Department of Torture operatives snuck in through the bathroom window again last night.  Yes, folks, I woke today to Shaggy interviewing some moron about something completely inconsequential to the world at large.  A Brevard County minor league baseball team has changed the name of “batting practice,” which they commonly refer to as “BP.” The team will now be warming up at “Hitting Rehearsal.”  I could not make this up if I tried.  The interview progressed in a fashion such that I got confused and thought maybe I was still sleeping and had started mixing Fox & Friends with Dumb & Dumber in my dream-like state. Here is what I THINK I heard…

Shaggy: So, dumb jock that managed to somehow get a job running a minor league baseball team, Mr. Smith, you are changing the name of “batting practice” to “hitting rehearsal” – what made you come up with this decision?

Smith:  Well, the way it came about was ironic, I was going over the schedule for “BP” and at the same time a news item about the BP oil spill came on.  And, I thought to myself, we need to change the name of batting practice.

Shaggy:  So, you thought that by changing the name of batting practice you could make an impact on…

Smith:  We just wanted to show our support, we are worried about the impact that the oil spill may have on our beaches here in Brevard County.

Shaggy: Now it is “hitting rehearsal” – is that right?

Smith: Yes, we started calling it that today.

Shaggy: [condescending laugh] Do your guys get dressed up for it?

Smith: Huh?

Shaggy: What if a sponsor that had the name “inning” were to be involved in a scandal?  Would you rename that?  Would you call it “passage of time?”

Smith: Well, we just wanted to show our support.  We didn’t take into effect what we would do if a sponsor was involved.  BP is not a sponsor.

Blah, blah, blah, [condescending laugh], yada, yada, yada.

Okay, folks, let’s ignore the tedious, “I’m going to try to make myself look smart by making you look stupid”-ness of  Shaggy.  Let’s focus on the real peeves here… 

STRIKE ONE:

Maybe the guy was too young to remember the Alanis Morrisette lesson in irony.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: If it was completely random that BP was on the news, if you wouldn’t have expected them to be on the news, then maybe ironic would have been an appropriate descriptor of the situation.  However, BP is so in the news that your ridiculous name change is even making it onto a national broadcast.  Moreover, you manage a baseball team.  It is not an uncommon or unexpected occurence for you to be looking at a line-up for batting practice.  Therefore, “coincidence” is the word you are looking for here, not “ironic.”

STRIKE 2:

Ah, the old, use a phrase with the wrong word.  Forgive the pun, but this drives me absolutely batty.  “Take into effect” is the most nonsensical word misappropriation I’ve heard in a long while.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: The phrase is “take into account” – it means you didn’t consider it.  Apparently, you didn’t take into account how stupid you would look on national television if you misused a phrase.

STRIKE 3: 

You are the manager for the Brevard County Manatees.  There is a serious environmental and economic matter that is affecting a large portion of your country.  No one gives a shit what you call your batting practice.  Why don’t you do a fundraiser you fecking nimrod?

Off to do some batting practice hitting rehearsal on my TV.  Hope you all have a great day and find it in your heart to donate or do some other helpful piece for the crisis in the Gulf.



Bloodsucking Secret Scientologists are Eating your Brains

I was going to write on a completely different topic today, but I was waiting for the coffee to brew and decided to check my mail first.  Here is what I found:

And, there I was off in the middle of a tizzy, running to go get the coffee.

I could have been in a fit because of it’s Twilight-related.  However, I gave up on that a long time ago.  The Twi-hards are mostly young impressionable girls and – let’s face it – Rob and Taylor are kind of hot (in a jailbait sort of way).  Biggie is totally Team Edward and I’m resigned to it.  I even waited outside of Hot Topic for 3 hours at the butt crack of dawn to get Biggie tickets to meet some of the lesser-known cast members. Mother of the Year award is hanging in my office.  Thank you.

What threw me into a tizzy is a culmination of Fox & Friends, the mebuilding douche, a couple of Bad Bosses I know, and the Borders email.  Who are these people?  Where do they come from?  How do they get to be successful?  They aren’t anything special…  no Emmys or Pulitzers in their future that’s for certain.  So, how do these people with mediocre talent – at best – find themselves in positions of influence?  I’m convinced it must be Scientology or the Secret.

What’s the Secret?  I’m afraid to look at the website or the book too long, but I think it is the power of positive thinking.  Making things happen in your life through thought.  Well, I’m sorry, no matter how much Stephenie Meyer tells herself she can write – it ain’t working.  I understand that she’s supposed to be writing for young adults, but I read everything Biggie does and this, folks, is drivel in comparison to almost all of it.

Yet, some poor shmucks are going to have to go to work at 11:30 at night and deal with three-hour lines of drooling teenagers so that she can make millions more.

This happens in real life too…  we’ve all had that boss.  You know, the one where you ask yourself at least two times a day, “How the hell did that dumbass get that job?”  He’s the one that steals your ideas, takes credit for your work, can’t figure his way out of paper bag but is charged with running a department.  How did he get that job?  He told himself he deserved it.  Then he told the hiring agent he deserved it.  Could it really be that simple?

The mebuilding guy is 30.  He’s lamenting on Twitter that he’s older than the Discovery Channel… yet, he thinks blogging about his path to change is going to empower people and affect “millions” of people’s lives. And, apparently WordPress seems to want to help him.  Can I get some of that Kool-Aid? Of all the fabulous writing and content on this blogging network, that’s what gets featured?

I feel seriously depressed and repressed.  I’m going to do a search for my local scientology center.  I’m going to start telling myself how great I am.  Maybe then I’ll get a promotion, a freshly pressed tag, a book deal and an appearance on Fox & Friends.  Geez, I feel dumber already.

P.S.   Stephenie – your momma spelled your name wrong!



Forget Scooby, Velma – Where are you?

I don’t know how or why, but there is some Department of Torture conspiracy group that keeps sneaking into my house and leaving Fox News on the television.  So, each morning, I wake up to the FOX & Friends show.  Also known as “non-animated Scooby-Doo, less the Velma” (at least, in my mind).  I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of watching this particular hour of crap, but I think I’d waste less brain cells if I watched a week long marathon of Rock of Love, Tool Academy and Jerseylicious.

Meet the cast (All photos lifted from courtesy of FOXNews.com – go there to see them if you must):

This is Steve Doocy and if his name wasn’t enough of an indication of which Scooby character I equate him to, these ridiculous faces in his professional website header should do the trick.  Thank you Fox, you’ve made my punchline for me.

This is Gretchen Carlson.  She is the show’s equivalent of Daphne.  Her “feature” bio on the front page of FOXNews.com says she, “was the first classical violinist to be crowned Miss America.”  Boy, can’t wait to hear what she has to say about healthcare reform and the economic crisis.  But, hey, she looks cute and has mastered the “serious” look after spending, I’m sure, hours practicing in front of the mirror.

This is Brian Kilmeade.  He is Shaggy to Doocy’s Scooby.  He has a major crush on Gretchen and although he doesn’t eat on set, I’m sure he’s smoking some dubes off camera.  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, non?

Photo courtesy of stossel.blogs.foxbusiness.com

And, here, folks is the special addition to the show.  John Stossel a/k/a Freddy.  You won’t get an ascot, but you will get a porn stash and a lot of pontificating and postulating without a whole lot of substance.

So, now that you’ve met the gang, let’s do a recap of this morning’s show (or, at least the portion I caught before I threw my book at the television because I couldn’t find the remote).

Daphne: Wow guys, Freddy is going to tell us if “going green” really makes any difference.  Isn’t that groovy?

Shaggy: Like, yeah, Daphne, groovy.

Scooby: Reh, roovy!

Freddy (in video clip of him riding bike in Manhattan):  I ride my bike to work every morning, but it’s all for nothing, gang.  See, I’ve solved the mystery.  Mr. Gore did it.  He made up stories about global warming and holes in the ozone and this crap called alternative fuel.  But, I’m onto him, gang.  He is going to be exposed for the manipulator he is.  I have proof.

  • Al Gore lives in a mansion.  He has to use a lot of energy if he has that big of a house.
  • Al Gore is involved in the Government.  The Government puts Energy Star ratings on appliances to fool the Public into thinking they are making an impact on the environment.  But, some Public interest group sent in a dishwasher with a feather-duster attached and it got an Energy Star sticker, so that must all be hog wash.
  • Even if I rode to work every day and saved a gallon of gas, the impact on the environment would be like taking out one grain of sand from a silo with THOUSANDS of grains.

Daphne: But, Freddy, all the cool kids are “going green” – is that not the cool thing to do?

Freddy: Oh, no Daphne.  They are all brainwashed – it’s like a secular cult.  They are lead to believe that they are making an impact.  But, the jokes on them.

Shaggy: Wow, like, good to know.

Scooby: Reh, rood to row.

Daphne: Thanks Freddy. Now let’s check out Fleet Week in New York.

Female Correspondent: I’m like totally sitting in a jet.  Isn’t that cool?  Okay, bye, I’m going to go fly this thing!

Daphne: Ooh, have fun.  You’re hair sure does look nifty.  Hope you didn’t get mascara on their goggles.

Female Correspondent: Well, that would be a first.

Shaggy: Like, I would hope so.

Scooby: Reh, I rould rope ro.

All right gang, shows over, let’s get back in the Time Mystery Machine and get back to the 50’s when it was okay to shit all over the environment and a woman could never fly a jet.

For the love of all that is holy, can we get a Velma in here?  Can she rip the mask off these balloon-head fucktards pundits and expose them for the fluff they are?  ‘Cause we’ve got a mystery to solve:  how do these people get their own show and who the hell watches this crap?




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