Perpetually Peeved


Wednesday “What the…?”

Yesterday was full of weird stuff I didn’t have pictures of.  Today, I’ve got proof.  It’s the weird, wacky, wondrous, Wednesday “What the…?” – Enjoy, folks.

1.  What the… are you trying to say?

That might be hard to read, let me tell you what it says.

          XXXXXXXX@YAHOO.COM

          Is this a valid email address for you (for your protection, the email address has been partially masked)?

Um, there is no X in my email address.  So, by partially masked do you mean completely obscured?  WTF Your Security Levels Are So High You Even Tell Me I Got My Father’s Middle Name Wrong On The Security Questions?

2.  What the… are you wearing?

Have you ever been going through old photographs and come across something that makes you go WTF?  Well, here’s a classic case.  Even Smalls is trying to figure out what’s going on there.  I guess stereotypes have to come from somewhere.  WTF Mr. I Buy My Outfits Out Of a Catalog Called DING!DING!DING!?

3.  What the… is that?

I sure hope they’re paying you.  WTF Hello Krazy Kitty?

4.  What the… kind of school do you go to?

(driving home from school yesterday)

Biggie:  Aren’t you going to ask me what new Connections (this is a fancy word for electives) I got today.

Peeved:  Sure, but the last 3 times I asked you, you told me you didn’t know yet and to stop asking you.

Biggie: Well, I got Music Appreciation and Family and Consumer Science.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?  That sounds cool.  What’s that?  Budgets and stuff?

Biggie:  No.  You cook stuff and you get to carry around an egg and stuff and, like, pretend it’s a baby.  It’s really cool.

Peeved:  You mean you got Home Ec.

Biggie:  No, it’s called Family and Consumer Science.  Home Ec is, like, when they teach you budgets and stuff.  They don’t call it that anymore, Mom.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?

Biggie:  Yes.

Peeved:  Where’s the science in it?

Biggie:  Cooking is science.  And, so is having babies.

Peeved:  Sounds like Home Ec to me.

Why does everything have to have a fancy name now?  It’s no longer English, it’s Language Arts.  It’s not Gym, it’s Exercise Science.  WTF Fancy Pants School – Why Don’t You Try Teaching Them How Eggs Get Fertilized Now That You’re Calling It Science?

5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?

 
 

This is what you get when you cross a mullet with a helmet bang.

 

 When wearing flip-flops with pants and no pedicure is the least offensive thing you’ve got going on, you’ve got issues.  WTF Ms. I’m So Country Even My Hairdo Is Inbred?

6.  What the… is wrong with you?

Some days, I wish I had one of those jobs that don’t do random drug testing.  You know, like pizza delivery guy, waiter, Xfinity writer, garbage man.  Either someone likes to wake and bake, or they have a sick sense of humor.  WTF Is Afroman Doing As My Garbageman?

I’ve got $50 that says the owner of the gold Toyota would, in fact, jump off a bridge if all of his friends did first.  WTF Doublemint Douches?



Wednesday “What the…?”

These Wednesdays just keep getting here quicker.  While our daily dose of WTF is fun, I don’t want you to think I’m not peeved enough lately.  In fact, I’m posting this from my iPhone right now because the douche otherwise known as Comcast – sorry, Xfinity – is incapable of providing me continuous service despite the fact that I provide them with continuous (over)payments.  I don’t know if you’ve ever typed a long message on an iPhone before, but I liken it to having a bad case of bad diarrhea and cheap toilet paper.  In other words, a pain in the ass.  That said, here we go…

1.  What the… Are You Selling?

WTF Was Wrong With Some Bodywash and a Loofah?

2.  What the… Are You Wearing?

Last night, Mr. Peeved was helping me out and decided that if the kids laid out their clothes for the next day, it would make my life easier in the morning.  A good theory.  The problem here is in the execution.  The pic above is of the outfit I pulled off the dresser this morning.  First, it is October 20th.  And, while we are having a bit of an Indian Summer here in the South, a short-sleeved shirt and mini skirt may be pushing it a bit.  Second, and most importantly, a green shirt, a jean skirt that has red piping, aqua socks and clownfish shoes – yep, I’m pretty sure when you look up “clash” in the dictionary this is the image you see.  His defense?  “She picked it out herself.”  Mmm-hmm.  Thank the heavens I was too mortified to actually let her wear it.  It was picture day and I had forgotten.  WTF Mr. Bet Your Parents Blamed Your Bad Outfits and Bowl Cuts on You, Too?

3.  What the…  is that?

As seen outside the local strip club.

Yes, breakfast at the strip club.  WTF Kind of Idiot Would Order the Crabcake Benedict?

4. What the… is wrong with this picture?

I don’t actually do any physical activity (unless you count running my mouth), but isn’t protein powder supposed to help you gain weight?  WTF Mr. Unless You Are Smuggling Out A Can of That Crap Under Your Shirt, I Really Don’t Think You Need To Be Buying It?

Eyelift? Check.  Thinned out nose? Check.  Plumped up lips? Check.  Hmm… no, something tells me the girl who would buy this shirt wouldn’t have stopped there.  WTF Would Possess Someone To Wear This Shirt Besides a Sponsorship Deal to Buy Some New Boobs?

WTF Mr. I Bet You Like To Think Outside the Box and Color Outside the Lines, Too?

Can you say “creepy?”  WTF Is That Doll Looking At?



Wednesday “What the…?”

Another day, another “what the…?”       

1.  What the… are you selling?      

It’s that time again, folks.  Picture day at school.  How will I spend my $150 this year?  Step 1) pick a pose; step 2) pick a background color; step 3) pick options.  Options?  Well, this is new.  Add a CD?  What for?  I’ll just get an 8×10 and scan it.  Add the kid’s name to the wallets?  Sure, why not.  I get so many wallets I start handing them out to strangers.  They’ll need to know her name.  Add retouching?  Back up…

 Yes, folks, for just $12, you can buy your kid some false self-esteem.  The photo retouching applies to the yearbook picture as well.  WTF You Can Turn Molly Ringwald Into Angie Everheart, But Anthony Michael Hall is Shit Out of Luck? 

2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

 How can you tell if your skirt is too short?  Simple.  If it’s wider than it is long, it’s too short.  WTF Store Did You Buy This Pink Velour Atrocity From Anyway?

3.  What the… is that?      

Apparently, high school football games are a great excuse to let your children run rampant and torture other, more responsible parents who are stupid enough to actually watch their own children.  Biggie was cheering at the homecoming game and awesome mom that I am, I got a front row seat.  Well, almost a front row seat.  I would have been able to see if every bratchild in the arena was not standing directly in front of me.  I kindly asked them to sit the feck down at least three times.  Finally, when they ran to concession stand, I snuck up and stole the first row.  I stood up and leaned forward to get some shots of Biggie, sat down, then stood up again to get some more shots.  Something felt weird.  Something felt weird on my butt, to be more precise.  What could it be, you ask…  Hmm… it feels an awful lot like a saliva-covered sour straw.  Just as I was thinking, “No, you’re being paranoid, Peeved,” a fit of giggles and some “she did it,” “no she did it” erupted from the bleachers behind me.  WTF Would I Have Given to be Able to Discipline Those Children Myself at That Moment!

 

kandkkandies.com

 

4. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?      

 

Yes, down in the South we spell phonetically.  Yes, down in the South, that IS spelled phonetically.

If you’ve already become a friend of Perpetually Peeved on Facebook, you’ve seen this photo.  If you haven’t, WTF Are You Waiting For?

 5.  What the… is wrong with you?   

 This week was a great week for material from third parties.  Here is an actual email I received from a good friend:

From:  IWanna Gag

To: Peeved

Subject: If I wrote a blog and I don’t

Message:  I would write about the woman in the bathroom at work who continued her conversation with me while she pooped.  Loudly.  She was not deterred and she would not let me go without more questions which she had to shout out to be heard over the pooping sounds.

WTF Ms. Shit Coming Out Both Ends?

*****

In other news, a friend was at the airport waiting for a flight when she noticed a gentleman “picking a winner.”  Disgusted, she decided to stare at him, assuming the attention would make him abandon his digging session.  No such luck.  Not only did the guy keep digging, he got himself a good one.  A nice, gooey, sinus infection looking booger.  Don’t worry – he didn’t eat it.  At least not at first.  First, he rubbed it all over his lips, like mucus chapstick.  Then, he licked it off slowly.  That’ll teach her to stare.  WTF Mr. Salty?

Not that I'd know anything about that...



Wednesday “What the…?”

Come on down, you’re the next contestant on “Wednesday What the…?”     

1.  What the… are you selling?      

You know what’s almost as annoying as preppy frat boys and sorority girls?  Hipsters.  Hipsters and their obsession with all things moustache.   

moustache candy (etsy seller: vintageconfections)

moustache computer decals (etsy seller: dotvinyl)

moustache iphone cozy (etsy seller: yummypocket)

mounted moustache... ala Papa Smurf (etsy seller: katiecanavan)

moustache pillow (etsy seller: freakyfleece)

moustache soap (etsy seller: servasgschaeft)

moustache taco holder - yes, I said taco holder (etsy seller: urbanantix)

moustache wall decal - in the event you are too much of a commitmentphobe to spring for the mounted version (etsy seller: mustachio)

and, my all time favorite - the mirror moustache... Wow! How'd that get there? (etsy seller: sprocketbox)

I am very worried about this girl. Very worried. She has about 30 beards in her shop - this is one of the more normal colors. I'm almost more worried about the people that buy these beards. We should start a collection. There's a reason why some artists are starving. (etsy seller: imadeyouabeard)

WTF Mr. My Skinny Jeans Don’t Make Me Look Douchey Enough?   

 
2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

When Cher is looking at you funny – you got issues. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

 Biggie wants to dress up as Lady GaGa for Halloween.    

Biggie:  I couldn’t wear the outfit to school.  But, I could wear it to the party.  She doesn’t have a lot of outfits that would be appropriate though…   

Peeved:  How about the meat dress?   

Biggie:  Um, ew, no.   

Peeved:  Why not?  I’m sure an hour into the party you’ll be smelling great.   

Biggie:  I am NOT putting a steak on my head.   

Peeved:  Ribeyes are on sale this week…   

Biggie:  Besides, that is such a waste of good bacon.   

So, why did she wear that outfit?  “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And, I am not a piece of meat.” (Source: USA Today)  WTF Ms. If You Don’t Want to Be a Piece of Meat Quit Flaunting Your Chicken Cutlets In Everyone’s Face?   

3.  What the… is that?      

I know it’s hard to read (damn Iphone) but, that sign says “STOP Queefing”

Not long after I wrote the post about my experience with yoga, I was driving in the car with the fam and came to a stop at this stop sign. I don’t know if it was the timing, or my extremely immature sense of humor, but I could not contain myself.

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha [hitting Mr. Peeved & pointing out the window”]

Mr. Peeved: hahahaha (apparently, his sense of humor is more sophisticated than mine)

Biggie: What? What’s so funny?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha [GASP!] Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Mr. Peeved: Really? Biggie, don’t worry about it.

Biggie: Oh, well, what’s so funny? What does “queefing” mean?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!! [GASP!] I can’t… [GASP] Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Mr. Peeved: It means farting. Peeved, what the hell is wrong with you?

Peeved: But, it says… Bwahahahahahahahahaha!! [GASP! Wipe away tears…] No, Biggie. It doesn’t mean that. Don’t tell her that, then she’s going to use it around her friends. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Mr. Peeved: Okay, fine. Just don’t worry about it, Biggie. And, don’t use it around your friends.

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Biggie: Um, okay.

Mr. Peeved: Pull yourself together over there! What’s wrong with you?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Well, curiousity killed the cat, but it also mortified the mother. Because, Biggie decided to ask everyone she could find at Mr. Peeved’s place of employment what it meant. WTF Am I Supposed To Tell Her?

4. What the… school do you go to?

  

Umm...

WTF Kind of Moron Are You?  Oh, an oxymoron?  That makes sense.  

 5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?      

  

Maybe that’s their “natural habitat” in North Georgia, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have those wire cages in the forests of Asia.  WTF Mr. I Should Catch Up on My Animal Planet Shows?  

 6.  What the… is wrong with you?   

  

On Monday night, Mr. Peeved and I went on a date night.  I noticed there was a same side of the booth couple sitting a vew tables away (SO WRONG).  I wasn’t at the right angle to get the shot, so I recruited Mr. Peeved to take the picture.  Above is the best shot out of a few attempts.  This is why Mr. Peeved is not allowed to take pictures.  And, why I have absolutely no decent pictures of me and the kids in my photo albums.  This is not, contrary to his protests, the fault of the iPhone camera.   

Exhibit A:  

Honey, that's a great shot of me and Biggie, but next time, you may want to turn the camera the other way. I think the castle is much more memorable than the other tourists to either side of us.

Exhibit B:  

What's wrong with an action shot?

 When I gave him the camera at Smalls’ birthday party, he loaded it up with 50 action shots – all blurry – of her opening her presents.  Are you looking at them as you take them?  If it’s blurry, wouldn’t you ask me to change the settings?  WTF Mr. I Should Stick To Cooking?  Oh well, guess I’ll just have to keep bringing in those photo booth strips as our “family pictures.”  

**And, here is the disclaimer where I say Mr. Peeved has many, many talents.  Photography is just not one of them. Lucky for me, spoiling me with fancy gadgets like the beautiful Canon I got for Christmas last year, is.  Love you, baby!**



Wednesday “What the…?”

Okay folks, turn off your cell phones and grab your popcorn, it’s time for the next installment of “Wednesday What the…?”  Same swamp, different thing.  Guaranteed to induce some face-grabbing, toe curling screams.

1.  What the… are you selling?   

Hmm… I’m so glad I made it out to my favorite Indian restaurant.  What do I feel like eating today?  Samosa?  Those are always good.  Shrimp puri?  Never had that before.  “Deep-Fried Spicy Ground Grouper Balls”  – the wha?  Now, I’ve heard of Rocky Mountain oysters before, but this is a little too much.  Do they even have grouper in India?  I’m sure if they did, it would be spicy.  What do they even serve this in?  A thimble?  WTF Someone Should Have Told Us the Correct Translation Is “Fritter”?
2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

 

Okay, forget that this looks like a scene out of Cheaters.  It’s hard to do recognizance when you are drunk and armed with only an iphone.  There are only two times that a red plaid skirt is considered acceptable attire:  1) if you are Scottish and playing the bagpipes at someone’s wedding and/or 2) it is Christmas day.  I don’t make the rules, I just make fun of you when you break them.  Let’s play Peeved’s version of what’s wrong with this picture…  remember those from the IQ tests?  No?  Just me?  Moving right along…  I spot 3 things wrong with this picture (fashion-wise).

Da na na, na na na na na, dun dunna na na, na na na  (Jeopardy theme song, yes?)

Let’s see how you did.

  1. This picture was taken on Labor Day weekend.  In the South.  Long sleeved black shirt, wool skirt, boots – ’nuff said.
  2. I would rather see you wear a fanny pack then a fanny pack that you drape across your shoulder.  The drape is only appropriate if you have a messenger bag or larger and/or are traveling through a city full of purse snatchers.
  3. Only supermodels and Miley Cyrus can wear mini skirts and boots.  And, when they do, they wear mini skirts and either full-on cowgirl boots or those cute little booties that DSW keeps emailing me about.

WTF Ms. Even If She Does Think She’s In An Episode of CHEATERS, That Is Not What I Meant By Playing the Bagpipes?

3.  What the… is that?   

Remember that time I told you I shouldn’t be allowed to use my debit card without passing a breathalyzer first?  Well, this is why.  WTF Was In That Beer?  and WTF Am I Supposed To Do With This Now?  

 4.  What the… school do you go to?   

Smalls:  Mommy, I’m sad.

Peeved:  Why are you sad, Smalls?

Smalls:  Because you and Biggie are so much smarter than me.

Peeved:  Oh, honey, we aren’t smarter than you, we’re just older.  Biggie has already been to school for eight years, and mommy went to school for thirteen years and then college for another four.  So, you’re not less smart, you just haven’t been to school as much.

Smalls:  Oh.  Well, actually, I’m really smart.  I know lots of things.  I learn them in school.

Peeved:  Oh yeah? What did you learn?

Smalls:  Well, I know that platypuses shut their eyes when they go underwater.

Peeved:  They do?

Smalls:  And, I know that beavers build their houses out of wood and call them dams and they don’t need those wood cutty things because they use their teeth.

Peeved:  They do?

Smalls:  Yeah, really, I’m serious.  They bite, bite, bite with their teeth.  I also know that cheetahs eat fish.  And gazelles.  And antelopes.

Peeved:  Really?

Smalls:  Yep, and they hunt them like this [growling]. And then the blood comes out.  I know all about the body too.

Peeved:  You do?

Smalls:  Yep, we have skin and bones and muscles and a brain and then there’s oxygen.

Peeved:  Where’s oxygen?

Smalls:  In the air.  We breathe it.  It goes into our stomachs.  Yep, I’m definitely smarter than you and Biggie.  You don’t even know these things.

This is a daily reflection from Small’s daycare.  They ask each kid the same question and then write down the answers for the parents to read at the end of the day.  I couldn’t be prouder.  WTF Not-So-Smart-Kid That Can Only Count To Two, While My Kid Has Obviously Already Mastered Veterinary Anatomy?

 5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?   

Funny.  I live right outside the city and I swear I was driving through the city to get to work this morning.  Yet, I must have taken a wrong turn and wound up in the lovely town of Backwater.  Apparently, there is only one truck and one big truck in Backwater, but lots of cars and buses.  Either that or in an effort to save paint, they are cutting down on extraneous letters.  Yes, that would explain the 2×4 “sign” on the back of the truck that says “Mobel Tires.”  WTF Kind of Mobile Tire Truck Doesn’t Have Any Tires In It’s Cab?  Is it bring your own tire day in Backwater?

 6.  What the… is wrong with you? 

It’s not you, it’s me.  What is wrong with me that I almost bought a bumper sticker the other day?  Only that it is the best bumper sticker ever.  Oh, ha ha, isn’t that funny.  I bet these people also have a “Mean People Suck” sticker on their car.  What a public service announcement.  Jack-knives.

Peeved:  [walking into the grocery store] Biggie, could you stop walking in front of the cart?

Biggie:  [talking REALLY loud]  Oh my gosh!  That girl needs a haircut. [Girl is 2 feet away from Biggie]

Peeved:  Biggie!  Shh!  That’s not nice.

Biggie:  Well, she does.  Did you SEE those split ends? Ugh.

Peeved:  Biggie.  Stop it.  It’s not nice to make fun of people.

Biggie:  Well, you do. 

Smalls:  Yeah, you do.

Peeved:  Knock it off, the both of you!

Biggie:  I was just saying she needed a haircut.  That’s not mean, it was the truth.  Her split ends were out of control.

Smalls:  Yeah, seriously.  Out of control, mom.

WTF And The Mother Of The Year Award Goes To…?




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