Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: 40-year-old-virgin, annoying, drive me up the wall, dumbass, grating, half-assed, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, sunburn, vent, waxing
- never take your contacts out after eating a handful of wasabi almonds
- don’t drink a dry martini immediately after brushing your teeth
- you can’t trust a man to throw out a potholder with a hole in it
- before you leave the bathroom it’s always a good idea to check and make sure your skirt isn’t stuck in your pantyhose
- don’t assume that bar toilets don’t have lids
- you probably shouldn’t buy sunblock that comes with a free bottle of aloe vera lotion
I learned that last one back when I first met Mr. Peeved (you know, when I was skinny and cute and fun) and we went to a friend’s wedding in Charleston. I also learned that you should never try to pee in a public restroom while drunk and wearing a pair of roller skates. Alas, that is a story for another time. Despite the fact that we had remembered every last thing, including the gin, the tonic, the limes and the roller skates, we somehow forgot to pack sunblock. So, we did what any self-respecting beach partiers would do… we picked some up at the local gas station.
On the third day, as we’re getting ready for the wedding:
Mr. Peeved: Baby, you look beautiful.
Peeved: Thanks. Can you zip me up?
Mr. Peeved: Sure. Hey, you look a little pink – did you wear sunblock yesterday?
Peeved: Yeah. Does it look bad with the green dress?
Mr. Peeved: No… well… it’s just…
Peeved: Oh my God! What?
Mr. Peeved: Did you put it on yourself?
Peeved: Yes! What???
Mr. Peeved: It’s, um, a little streaky is all…
Peeved: What? What do you mean? [running over to the mirror]
Mr. Peeved: It’s not bad…
Peeved: Holy shit! I look like a freak! I have to meet all of your friends for the first time and I look like…
Mr. Peeved: Like a one-armed retard put on your sunblock?
Peeved: Where’s my gin & tonic?
Since then, anytime something is done half-assed around the house, we blame it on the one-armed retard. Not politically correct, I know, but as an inside joke, pretty damned funny.
A few months ago, there must have been an eclipse of a blue moon, because I found myself home alone with a bottle of wine and nothing to do. Bored, I went to the “bathroom closet” to get things out to paint my nails. I just so happened to come across a box of Sally Hanson Hair Remover Wax Strips. I don’t know what these were doing in my closet, as I have never waxed anything but poetic in my entire life. Well, two glasses of pinot and I’m all about trying out a little bikini wax.
Have you ever seen 40-Year-Old Virgin? Steve Carell was not acting. That shit HURTS! I tried the first strip… after pulling myself up off the floor and wiping away my tears, I decided two glasses of pinot wasn’t going to cut it. I sobered up faster than a 13-year-old when the cops start knocking on the door. One more glass and I went in for the second and third strip… JESUSF’INGCHRISTONACOWBOY’SHORSE!!!!!! That was it. I was done. I didn’t care that there was only a few patches of smooth skin, I would rather give birth again than to try to make it work. The next night, Mr. Peeved and I went out to dinner for his birthday.
Peeved: Okay, I have to tell you something.
Mr. Peeved: What did you do now?
Peeved: Why did I have to do something?
Mr. Peeved: Because, you’re always doing something.
Peeved: What’s that supposed to mean?
Mr. Peeved: Oh, just go ahead, c’mon… what’d you do?
Peeved: Okay, well… I had a few glasses of wine last night and I…
Mr. Peeved: Are you serious? What is wrong with you?
Peeved: I don’t know, I thought it was a good idea at the time!
Mr. Peeved: You are unbelievable. I leave you alone for an hour…
Peeved: I know, I need help.
Mr. Peeved: Well, at least now we can say we know who the one-armed retard is.
(A footnote: before you get all pissed off at me for using the big, bad “R” word, read my About page. I don’t care what you think, so don’t bother telling me all about it in the comments. Further, a note for my loyal readers: sorry I’ve been MIA. Work and holidays has me in a tizzy. I’ll try to be better, but everything is okay. Thanks for your concern and for keeping up the peeve in my absence. )