Perpetually Peeved

Three strikes – you’re out!

Department of Torture operatives snuck in through the bathroom window again last night.  Yes, folks, I woke today to Shaggy interviewing some moron about something completely inconsequential to the world at large.  A Brevard County minor league baseball team has changed the name of “batting practice,” which they commonly refer to as “BP.” The team will now be warming up at “Hitting Rehearsal.”  I could not make this up if I tried.  The interview progressed in a fashion such that I got confused and thought maybe I was still sleeping and had started mixing Fox & Friends with Dumb & Dumber in my dream-like state. Here is what I THINK I heard…

Shaggy: So, dumb jock that managed to somehow get a job running a minor league baseball team, Mr. Smith, you are changing the name of “batting practice” to “hitting rehearsal” – what made you come up with this decision?

Smith:  Well, the way it came about was ironic, I was going over the schedule for “BP” and at the same time a news item about the BP oil spill came on.  And, I thought to myself, we need to change the name of batting practice.

Shaggy:  So, you thought that by changing the name of batting practice you could make an impact on…

Smith:  We just wanted to show our support, we are worried about the impact that the oil spill may have on our beaches here in Brevard County.

Shaggy: Now it is “hitting rehearsal” – is that right?

Smith: Yes, we started calling it that today.

Shaggy: [condescending laugh] Do your guys get dressed up for it?

Smith: Huh?

Shaggy: What if a sponsor that had the name “inning” were to be involved in a scandal?  Would you rename that?  Would you call it “passage of time?”

Smith: Well, we just wanted to show our support.  We didn’t take into effect what we would do if a sponsor was involved.  BP is not a sponsor.

Blah, blah, blah, [condescending laugh], yada, yada, yada.

Okay, folks, let’s ignore the tedious, “I’m going to try to make myself look smart by making you look stupid”-ness of  Shaggy.  Let’s focus on the real peeves here… 


Maybe the guy was too young to remember the Alanis Morrisette lesson in irony.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: If it was completely random that BP was on the news, if you wouldn’t have expected them to be on the news, then maybe ironic would have been an appropriate descriptor of the situation.  However, BP is so in the news that your ridiculous name change is even making it onto a national broadcast.  Moreover, you manage a baseball team.  It is not an uncommon or unexpected occurence for you to be looking at a line-up for batting practice.  Therefore, “coincidence” is the word you are looking for here, not “ironic.”


Ah, the old, use a phrase with the wrong word.  Forgive the pun, but this drives me absolutely batty.  “Take into effect” is the most nonsensical word misappropriation I’ve heard in a long while.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: The phrase is “take into account” – it means you didn’t consider it.  Apparently, you didn’t take into account how stupid you would look on national television if you misused a phrase.


You are the manager for the Brevard County Manatees.  There is a serious environmental and economic matter that is affecting a large portion of your country.  No one gives a shit what you call your batting practice.  Why don’t you do a fundraiser you fecking nimrod?

Off to do some batting practice hitting rehearsal on my TV.  Hope you all have a great day and find it in your heart to donate or do some other helpful piece for the crisis in the Gulf.

Forget Scooby, Velma – Where are you?

I don’t know how or why, but there is some Department of Torture conspiracy group that keeps sneaking into my house and leaving Fox News on the television.  So, each morning, I wake up to the FOX & Friends show.  Also known as “non-animated Scooby-Doo, less the Velma” (at least, in my mind).  I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of watching this particular hour of crap, but I think I’d waste less brain cells if I watched a week long marathon of Rock of Love, Tool Academy and Jerseylicious.

Meet the cast (All photos lifted from courtesy of – go there to see them if you must):

This is Steve Doocy and if his name wasn’t enough of an indication of which Scooby character I equate him to, these ridiculous faces in his professional website header should do the trick.  Thank you Fox, you’ve made my punchline for me.

This is Gretchen Carlson.  She is the show’s equivalent of Daphne.  Her “feature” bio on the front page of says she, “was the first classical violinist to be crowned Miss America.”  Boy, can’t wait to hear what she has to say about healthcare reform and the economic crisis.  But, hey, she looks cute and has mastered the “serious” look after spending, I’m sure, hours practicing in front of the mirror.

This is Brian Kilmeade.  He is Shaggy to Doocy’s Scooby.  He has a major crush on Gretchen and although he doesn’t eat on set, I’m sure he’s smoking some dubes off camera.  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, non?

Photo courtesy of

And, here, folks is the special addition to the show.  John Stossel a/k/a Freddy.  You won’t get an ascot, but you will get a porn stash and a lot of pontificating and postulating without a whole lot of substance.

So, now that you’ve met the gang, let’s do a recap of this morning’s show (or, at least the portion I caught before I threw my book at the television because I couldn’t find the remote).

Daphne: Wow guys, Freddy is going to tell us if “going green” really makes any difference.  Isn’t that groovy?

Shaggy: Like, yeah, Daphne, groovy.

Scooby: Reh, roovy!

Freddy (in video clip of him riding bike in Manhattan):  I ride my bike to work every morning, but it’s all for nothing, gang.  See, I’ve solved the mystery.  Mr. Gore did it.  He made up stories about global warming and holes in the ozone and this crap called alternative fuel.  But, I’m onto him, gang.  He is going to be exposed for the manipulator he is.  I have proof.

  • Al Gore lives in a mansion.  He has to use a lot of energy if he has that big of a house.
  • Al Gore is involved in the Government.  The Government puts Energy Star ratings on appliances to fool the Public into thinking they are making an impact on the environment.  But, some Public interest group sent in a dishwasher with a feather-duster attached and it got an Energy Star sticker, so that must all be hog wash.
  • Even if I rode to work every day and saved a gallon of gas, the impact on the environment would be like taking out one grain of sand from a silo with THOUSANDS of grains.

Daphne: But, Freddy, all the cool kids are “going green” – is that not the cool thing to do?

Freddy: Oh, no Daphne.  They are all brainwashed – it’s like a secular cult.  They are lead to believe that they are making an impact.  But, the jokes on them.

Shaggy: Wow, like, good to know.

Scooby: Reh, rood to row.

Daphne: Thanks Freddy. Now let’s check out Fleet Week in New York.

Female Correspondent: I’m like totally sitting in a jet.  Isn’t that cool?  Okay, bye, I’m going to go fly this thing!

Daphne: Ooh, have fun.  You’re hair sure does look nifty.  Hope you didn’t get mascara on their goggles.

Female Correspondent: Well, that would be a first.

Shaggy: Like, I would hope so.

Scooby: Reh, I rould rope ro.

All right gang, shows over, let’s get back in the Time Mystery Machine and get back to the 50’s when it was okay to shit all over the environment and a woman could never fly a jet.

For the love of all that is holy, can we get a Velma in here?  Can she rip the mask off these balloon-head fucktards pundits and expose them for the fluff they are?  ‘Cause we’ve got a mystery to solve:  how do these people get their own show and who the hell watches this crap?

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