Perpetually Peeved

Adventures in Netherworld…

Just outside the city where I live, there is a complex of massive warehouses that get converted into haunted wonderlands each Halloween.  Zombies, goblins and strange ladies covered with doll heads roam the grounds.  Spooky music blasts from the speakers above and the screaming from inside drowns out the noise of the adjacent interstate.  People pay money to stand in line for over an hour and slowly walk through blackened tunnels that house myriad creatures waiting to jump out and force their hearts into overdrive.  Tonight, I will be one of those people.

This is one of the actual guys there... (photo courtesy of

The first and last time Mr. Peeved and I went to this haunted house, I thought I was going to die.  It went something like this:

Mr. Peeved: Are you going to be okay?

Peeved: Yes.  No.  Ack!  Does that lady have doll heads on her?

Mr. Peeved: It’s all fake, you know that, right?

Peeved: Why is she coming over here?  Make her not come over here!

Mr. Peeved: You can’t even handle waiting in line and you want to go in there?

Peeved: Aaah… aaah… she’s coming closer.

Mr. Peeved: They can see who’s scared and they’ll pick on you.  Pretend it doesn’t bother you.

Peeved: Okay.  No.  That’s not working.  Hold me.

Mr. Peeved: [eyeroll] You are ridiculous.  Get over here.


Peeved: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (I scream better than Janet Leigh on her best day)

Mr. Peeved: I. Can’t. Breathe.

Peeved: Sorry, but it was a clow…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mr. Peeved: If you’re just going to close your eyes and bury your head in my back, why did we pay to get in here?

Peeved: Because it’s fun, it’s totally sca…  AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!  Oh my God, OH MY GOD, I’m going to die!

Mr. Peeved: You are not going to die.  It’s fake, remember.

Peeved: No, I’m going to have a heart attack and die.

Mr. Peeved: Well, that would make for a great date.

Peeved: Okay, maybe I’m exaggera… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Mr. Peeved: Can you stop stepping on the back of my heels?


Mr. Peeved: Okay, it’s almost over.  I have to tell you something.  Are you listening?


Mr. Peeved: Okay, when we walk out the back door, you’re going to think it’s over.  It’s not.  There’s going to be a guy that runs after you with a chainsaw.  There is no blade in the chainsaw.  Don’t freak out.  It’s fake.  Okay?


Mr. Peeved: Okay?

Peeved: Okay.

Mr. Peeved: It’s fake.  Now, come on, let’s go.




Don’t worry. If I die from fright, Mr. Peeved has already picked out my tombstone:

Here lies a guy named STAN… got too close to the ceiling fan.

Here lies an atheist named MOE… all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Here lies a guy named DRAKE… choked to death on a soggy cornflake.

Here lies a girl named SUE… she was killed by the guy that is standing behind you.

Here lies a girl named EMILY… she never shut up.

Come as you’re not

Halloween is one of my favorite times of year.  I love getting dressed up.  This year, for whatever reason, I wasn’t feeling very inspired.  Maybe it’s that I’m busy sewing nine costumes (I can’t say no), or that I recently dyed my hair dark brown (I usually go as a famous red-head).  Yesterday, my luck turned.  I was invited to a “Come as You’re Not” party.  Now, from what I’ve heard this is a popular theme for sorority parties, but it was the first I’d ever heard of it.  Maybe because the thought of wearing pearls and various accessories adorned with greek letters makes me cringe.  I digress. 

Now my problem is, I’m over-inspired.  Here are the myriad ideas I’ve come up with – help me pick one?  Or, suggest your own?

I am not a mindreader. (

I am not an optimist. (

I am not one to hold my tongue. (

I am not a doormat. (But, if I was, I'd be this one.) (

I am not your maid. (

I am not 'cho cheese. (

I am NSFW. (

I would not be caught dead wearing a pink velour tracksuit. ( and

I am not on par. (

I am not sweet. (

I am not afraid. (flickr: elrina753)

I am not balanced (a/k/a unbalanced). (

I am not special. (I can't even believe you thought I was going to make fun of the mentally handicapped - what is wrong with you?) (

I am not NOT funny. (Or, maybe after that last one you think I am?) (

So, what’s your vote or suggestion?

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