Perpetually Peeved


You like that, right?
June 20, 2010, 8:00 am
Filed under: Anti-Peeves | Tags: , , ,

Happy Father’s Day!  Today’s post is an anti-peeve, which I usually post on Fridays, but this one is a little special.  This one is in honor of one of the most fun-loving and wonderful people I have ever known, my stepdad.  “Papa” passed away last year from cancer and this is the first Father’s Day I can’t pick up the phone and tell him how much I love him.  Papa was a big, Italian New Yorker who loved scratch off tickets, corvettes, trying to beat me at Wheel of Fortune (he never did!), the Jets, and a good joke.  He would tell you the same joke over and over and laugh each time like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard and he always asked, “You like that, right?”  Yeah, Papa, I liked that – and I miss it every day.  So, in his honor, I share with you a few of his favorite “Little Johnny” jokes.  Make sure you tell your dad you love him today!

Putting the "fun" back in dysfunctional

Little Johnny was going to his father’s house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his father’s house with his wagon behind him, when he came to a hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing “This God damn thing is so heavy.”

A priest heard him and came out. “You shouldn’t be swearing” said the priest. “God hears you…He is everywhere…He’s in the church…He’s on the sidewalk…He’s everywhere.”

Then Little Johnny says “Oh. Is he in my wagon?”

The priest replies “Yes, Johnny, God is in your wagon”

Little Johnny says “Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling.”

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**!”

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks his father.

“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ and I said 6.”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”

“What’s the f******g difference?” asked his father.

“That’s what I said!”

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.

“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.

“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “F*** OFF!”, the dog ate him!”

Little Johnny’s teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated.”

Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, “My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.”



Egads, even the Pepto is pink!

The other night, I was taking Smalls into Toys -R -Us to get another Department of Torture Electronic Mini-Operative Zhu Zhu Pet.  Yes, I know they drive me insane, but what drives me more insane is the whining Smalls was doing before I bribed her to stop with another Zhu Zhu Pet.  So, off to the toy store because somehow a child who can “forget” she needs to throw her dirty clothes in the hamper within two seconds of mommy telling her to, can remember an arbitrary promise/bribe that was made weeks ago.

After stopping to pick up some flip flops, a SpongeBob lollipop and a lightsaber, I decided to just ask an associate where the little electric rodents were located.

Me: Excuse me, Sir. Where are the Zhu Zhu Pets? (Because I’m running out of hands and I’m gonna be flat broke by the time I get past the checkout if you leave me to my own devices.)

ToyGuy: They are right over here.  Wait, do you want the girl ones or the boy ones?

Me: No, they’re just hamsters.  I mean, they’re not made for boys or girls.

ToyGuy: The regular ones and the babies are in the girl section, the ones in the boy section are like ninjas and stunt hamsters.

Really? The toy company obviously never met Smalls.  Because, let me tell you, she has a mean drop-kick!

GIRLS ONLY!

NINJA = BOY!

This whole gender segregation is totally out of hand.  If you look at a sales ad for Toys – R – Us, everything associated with “domesticity” is being modeled by girls.  Babies, Barbies, animals, kitchens…  You will never see a boy modeling a kitchen – a grill, maybe, but not a kitchen.  You will also never see a boy with a babydoll.  Just like you will never see a girl playing with a car or a dinosaur.  Even Legos, which should be unisex and universal have segregated the toys to market pink house and horse sets to girls and blue house and helicopter (?) sets to boys.

LEGO® Pink Brick Box (5585) - LEGO® bricks in beautiful colors! Build a house, a pony, or anything else you can imagine with this special box filled with LEGO bricks in colors you love and elements like fences, windows, doors and flowers!

Following the included instructions and using pieces in the starter kit, kids can build a house, helicopter, dog, and car.

This gender segregation continues even as we get older.  Mother’s Day rolls around and what are the ads for?  With the exception of jewelry, most of the wares they are pushing consist of things for the house.  Get Mom a photo apron or a set of coasters.  Buy her a new vacuum, a photo frame, a coffee mug or a cookbook.  And, what to get Dad this year for Father’s Day?  Hmm… grilling tools, a brew-your-own beer kit, fishing gear, golf clubs, power tools…   Actually, they do make power tools for Mom too…  and golf clubs…  and fishing gear…

popgadget.net

womensgolfgifts.org

fishergirl.com

Just search for “XYZ for women” – I’ll bet you a beer (YES, WOMEN DRINK BEER), it will come up pink.  It’s enough to make a girl nauseated.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you Dad’s out there.  Hope you get a hand painted masterpiece or a nice picture of you with your kids (the kind of stuff you should be getting on this occasion).  Although, I may just get this for my hubby… what do you think?

bigshop.com.au




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