Perpetually Peeved

Rollin’ in my 5.0

One night my brother-in-law and I stumbled upon the comic genius of Jim Jeffries.  If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying this foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, please google (or bing! or whatever) him and watch some of his videos (NSFW!).  His favorite word is the “c” word — you know the one you can only get away with saying if you have an Australian accent?  Well, he calls everyone the c-word and he does a bit where he says, “you know you’re a c-word if…” ala that redneck comedian guy who I don’t think is smarter than a fifth grader. 

I’m still basking in the glory of the three-day weekend, so I thought we would borrow a page from Mr. Jeffries book and have fun with peeves today.  Douches are my favorite peeve, because while they totally get on my nerves, I also find them thoroughly entertaining in that search-the-internet-for-the-crime-scene-photos-because-you-have-a-bad-case-of-morbid-curiosity way.  Let’s play an interactive game of You Know You’re a Douche If.  I’ll start.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section.  

— You still use the word “dude” on a regular basis. 

— You wear Ed Hardy. 

— You take up two spaces when you park. 

— You know how to fist pump. 

— You are over the age of 12 and you own clothing/accessories/car seat covers with any of the Disney characters and/or Hello Kitty. 

—  You wear a shirt that shows your belly (this applies to both sexes). 

—  You have a victory dance. 

—  You know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby. 

—  It takes you more than 15 minutes to do your hair. 

—  You can’t pass a mirror without looking in it. 

—  You have a vanity plate on your car. 

Yes, 1k fold douche. Congrats.


—  You wear Uggs (double douche if you wear them with a mini-skirt). 

—  You can’t laugh at yourself. 

—  You drive a Hummer. 

—  You special order every time you’re at a restaurant. 

—  You wear socks with sandals. 

—  Your tan is the color of an Oompa Loompa. 

—  You have a tribal/barbed wire/some other language you don’t speak tattoo . 

—  Your dog has a wardrobe, a nanny and a regular playgroup. 

—  You wear skinny jeans (double douche if you look good in them). 

—  You call people older than you “kid.” 

—  You pop your collar. 

—  Your friends are all 10 years younger than you. 

—  You’ve done a shot of Jager in the last year. 

—  You drive a Camaro. 

— You have a nickname that ends in “icious” or begins with “The.” 

—  You look/act/think like this guy: 

photo courtesy of


Okay,  my list is probably endless.  I’ll have to add more later, or I’ll never get to work.  What’s on  your list?

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