Filed under: Parenting | Tags: annoying, born yesterday, children, don't look at me when I poop, drive me up the wall, funny kids, grating, nervous breakdown, parenthood, parenting, peeve, pet peeves, pre-teen, sarcastic, shaving accidents, smart-ass kids, vent
BIGGIE
One only needs to look back a few posts to know how I feel about eyebrows. So, the other day when I noticed something funky going on with Biggie’s eyebrows, I had to get to the bottom of things.
Peeved: Biggie – what the heck happened to your eyebrow?
Biggie: Nothing. What are you talking about?
Peeved: That – right there. That eyebrow did not always start almost at the middle of your pupil. And, the other eyebrow doesn’t match. What did you do to your eyebrow?
Biggie: Nothing, mom. Geesh! [eyeroll, foot stomp]
Peeved: [grabbing Biggie by the chin for closer inspection] OH MY GOD! You shaved your eyebrows!?
Biggie: No.
Peeved: Well, somebody did.
Biggie: Well, I was in the shower and I was shaving my armpit and I got soap in my eye and when I went to wipe it off I accidentally shaved off part of my eyebrow.
Peeved: You ACCIDENTALLY shaved off part of your eyebrow?
Biggie: Yes! I had soap in my eye!
Peeved: Well, you are not allowed to shave anymore.
Biggie: What?! Gosh, mom! You’re the worst! [eyeroll, foot stomp]
Peeved: Obviously, you can’t be trusted to keep razor blades from accidentally coming near your eyeball. No more shaving unless you tell me the truth.
Biggie: I am telling the truth! Don’t call me a liar!
Peeved: Well, what happened to the other eyebrow?
Biggie: Well, I had to try and even them out a little bit. Am I going to be punished?
Peeved: No. I think living with those crazy eyebrows will be punishment enough for shaving them. However, you will be punished for lying.
Biggie: I’m not lying!!! It was an accident!!
Funny, when I was younger my stepmother always used to say, “Do you think I was born yesterday?” and I would wait until she walked away and whisper, “No, the day before.” She also said I’d get back everything I ever gave her. Who’s laughing now?
- Who knew shaving your armpits could lead to Lasik so easily?
SMALLS
There are many sacrifices we make as we become parents: the ability to run around the house naked, curse loudly, sit down for an extended period of time, sleep in, and go to the bathroom alone are just a few. It’s Saturday morning, Mr. Peeved has been sick for the last few days and I have the beginning of a nasty respiratory virus. All I want to do is sleep in. Alas, 8:20 brings this conversation to my ears:
Biggie: [in the bathroom] Get out!
Smalls: I have to go!
Biggie: Well, I’m going. You can’t go. Get out!
Smalls: Biggie! I have to go!
Biggie: Smalls! I’m going to the bathroom. I need privacy. Get out!
Smalls: I don’t have to get out.
Biggie: Yes, you do. You can’t just come in the bathroom when someone is using it. I need privacy! Get out!
Smalls: I am giving you privacy.
Biggie: No, you’re not. You’re still in here. Get out of the bathroom!
Smalls: Biggie, privacy is when you don’t look at someone when they’re going to the bathroom.
Yes, Smalls, when you have a 4-year-old in the house, that’s exactly what privacy is.
A Smart-Ass
My father always tells me I’m a smart-ass. I always tell him I’d rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. My nephew, he doesn’t fall far from the Aunt Emma tree. At the age of three, this kid could tell you the difference between a bucket and a pail. By the time he was four, he knew what sarcasm was and had perfected his deadpan delivery. Here’s a text I received from my sister on Friday:
Perpetually Peeved 