Perpetually Peeved

You can’t handle the truth

Some people say I’m a bitch.  I know, right?  It’s okay.  I am one.  You know why?  Because that is what people call honest people these days.  No one likes to hear the truth.  Me?  I’d rather be a bitch than a phony any day.  I absolutely loathe those people who are sweet to your face and turn around and talk trash behind your back.  There was a great commercial on the radio here recently… can’t find the link, so I’ll paraphrase.  There are three or four girls talking:  

Girl #1: I’m going to grab this day by the horns.  

Girl #2: I’m going to beat the shit out of this day.  

Girl #3: I’m going to tie this day to a chair and whip it till it screams for its momma.  

Girl #4: Yeah, I’m so going to be nice to this day and then talk shit behind its back.  

Girls #1 – #3: Well, that’s not very nice.  

I got this here: Who the hell knows where he got it from.

Sticks & Stones = 0; Words = 1  

So where does this leave me?  I’m a bitch… a/k/an honest person. If you ask me something, I’ll say, “To tell you the honest truth…” and launch into my take on things.  Now, I do a lot of things that drive my husband insane, and apparently, this is number #467 on a list of thousands.  He told me one day that I had to stop saying that because there is no such thing as the honest truth.  The truth is the truth and if you are being honest you are telling the truth.  My argument was “honest” in this case was being used as an adjective.  While honest can mean truthful, it can also be used to describe something as being unadorned, or frank.  In other words, I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth.  

Let me tell you a little about my husband and I.  We are very competitive and neither of us is ever wrong.  So, three months and a whole lot of research on and later, we were still debating whether or not there was such a thing as the “honest truth.”  We finally had to agree to disagree.  Although if you ask me, I won.  

What I learned along the way is there are many types of “truth,” some better than others.  

grain of truth: including a small bit of the truth in an effort to lend credibility to the rest of your lies. This type of truth comes in handy when you are playing Balderdash and/or have a meeting with the big wigs at work.  

God’s honest truth: like swearing on the bible, or, in the South, it is when you tell the honest truth but don’t want to be considered a bitch so you add a “bless her heart” on the end.  Example: “That outfit made her look like she had four boobs and some peaches hidden in her pants, bless her heart.”  

gospel truth: essentially the same as the God’s honest truth, except you clap your hands and sing.   

ain’t it the truth: a/k/a redneck truth.  Comes in handy when someone else has the balls to say what you wanted to.  (e.g. “That there boy don’t have enough sense in his head to hold his’m breath when he noodlin’.”  “Ain’t that the truth.”)   

economical with the truth: a truth usually reserved for politicians.  They only have a certain allotment of truth they are allowed to speak and still hold their positions, so they need to dole it out in small quantities.  It’s in their term agreements.  


half truth: more than a grain, but not quite the whole truth. For example, when asked, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” a half truth reply would be, “No” [they make your thighs look ginormous]. 

whole truth: anyone who’s seen a courtroom drama knows what this is. 

honest to goodness truth: when you follow the honest truth with a compliment to make the person feel better. “To tell you the honest truth, that guy of yours is a total jack-ass and is sleeping with your sister.  Which, by the way, you are so much prettier than her.”   

truth be told: when you actually tell the truth instead of just thinking it in your head.  

moment of truth: when you have to decide whether telling the truth will do more harm than good.  You may want to google “shooting the messenger.”  

naked truth: walking in on your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse with another man/woman.  

stretch the truth: the old standby of a good storyteller.  You tell the truth, but just make it a little more exciting – is usually preceded by the word “like.”  For example, “So there we were, standing in the street, naked except our socks, and, like, 50 patrol cars come screeching around the corner.”  

home truth: a truth that involves telling a person an unpleasant truth about him/herself.  Aptly named because they often come from family.  See post here

logical truth: the truth that your best girlfriend never seems to have the common sense to see.  He’s staying late at work?  He’s taking phone calls in the other room?  He’s started working out again? 

inconvenient truth: what your bank statement tells you when you have splurged too much at DSW Shoe Warehouse that month. 

relative truth: not to be confused with the home truth, this is the the truth that you were not, in fact, adopted and are actually related to these people by blood.  Too bad, so sad. 

ultimate truth: everybody dies. 

cold hard truth: usually learned after a night of Jagermeister shots, this is when you wake up on the bathroom floor lying to yourself that you’ll never drink again and realizing that your too old for this shit. 

the ugly truth: one of the worst movies ever made aside from Le Divorce, Showgirls, and Look Who’s Talking 3.

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