Filed under: General Peevery, Uncategorized, Wednesday "What the...?" | Tags: annoying, drive me up the wall, fashion victim, grating, hello kitty, inbred, internet security, jobs you can do stoned, mullet, nervous breakdown, parenthood, parenting, parking, pet peeves, sarcastic, vent, wednesday what the, which came first home ec or family and consumer science, wtf
Yesterday was full of weird stuff I didn’t have pictures of. Today, I’ve got proof. It’s the weird, wacky, wondrous, Wednesday “What the…?” – Enjoy, folks.
1. What the… are you trying to say?
That might be hard to read, let me tell you what it says.
Is this a valid email address for you (for your protection, the email address has been partially masked)?
Um, there is no X in my email address. So, by partially masked do you mean completely obscured? WTF Your Security Levels Are So High You Even Tell Me I Got My Father’s Middle Name Wrong On The Security Questions?
2. What the… are you wearing?
Have you ever been going through old photographs and come across something that makes you go WTF? Well, here’s a classic case. Even Smalls is trying to figure out what’s going on there. I guess stereotypes have to come from somewhere. WTF Mr. I Buy My Outfits Out Of a Catalog Called DING!DING!DING!?
3. What the… is that?
I sure hope they’re paying you. WTF Hello
4. What the… kind of school do you go to?
(driving home from school yesterday)
Biggie: Aren’t you going to ask me what new Connections (this is a fancy word for electives) I got today.
Peeved: Sure, but the last 3 times I asked you, you told me you didn’t know yet and to stop asking you.
Biggie: Well, I got Music Appreciation and Family and Consumer Science.
Peeved: Family and Consumer Science? That sounds cool. What’s that? Budgets and stuff?
Biggie: No. You cook stuff and you get to carry around an egg and stuff and, like, pretend it’s a baby. It’s really cool.
Peeved: You mean you got Home Ec.
Biggie: No, it’s called Family and Consumer Science. Home Ec is, like, when they teach you budgets and stuff. They don’t call it that anymore, Mom.
Peeved: Family and Consumer Science?
Peeved: Where’s the science in it?
Biggie: Cooking is science. And, so is having babies.
Peeved: Sounds like Home Ec to me.
Why does everything have to have a fancy name now? It’s no longer English, it’s Language Arts. It’s not Gym, it’s Exercise Science. WTF Fancy Pants School – Why Don’t You Try Teaching Them How Eggs Get Fertilized Now That You’re Calling It Science?
5. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?
When wearing flip-flops with pants and no pedicure is the least offensive thing you’ve got going on, you’ve got issues. WTF Ms. I’m So Country Even My Hairdo Is Inbred?
6. What the… is wrong with you?
Some days, I wish I had one of those jobs that don’t do random drug testing. You know, like pizza delivery guy, waiter, Xfinity writer, garbage man. Either someone likes to wake and bake, or they have a sick sense of humor. WTF Is Afroman Doing As My Garbageman?
I’ve got $50 that says the owner of the gold Toyota would, in fact, jump off a bridge if all of his friends did first. WTF Doublemint Douches?
Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, are you smarter than a fifth grader, c word, camaro, comedian, disney, douche, douchebag, drive me up the wall, Dude, ed hardy, fist pump, grating, hello kitty, hummer, ice ice baby, jager, jim jeffries, morbid curiosity, nervous breakdown, oompa loompa, peeve, pet peeves, popped collar, redneck, sarcastic, skinny jeans, tattoo, uggs, vanity plate, vent, victory dance, You Know You're a Douche If
One night my brother-in-law and I stumbled upon the comic genius of Jim Jeffries. If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying this foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, please google (or bing! or whatever) him and watch some of his videos (NSFW!). His favorite word is the “c” word — you know the one you can only get away with saying if you have an Australian accent? Well, he calls everyone the c-word and he does a bit where he says, “you know you’re a c-word if…” ala that redneck comedian guy who I don’t think is smarter than a fifth grader.
I’m still basking in the glory of the three-day weekend, so I thought we would borrow a page from Mr. Jeffries book and have fun with peeves today. Douches are my favorite peeve, because while they totally get on my nerves, I also find them thoroughly entertaining in that search-the-internet-for-the-crime-scene-photos-because-you-have-a-bad-case-of-morbid-curiosity way. Let’s play an interactive game of You Know You’re a Douche If. I’ll start. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
— You still use the word “dude” on a regular basis.
— You wear Ed Hardy.
— You take up two spaces when you park.
— You know how to fist pump.
— You are over the age of 12 and you own clothing/accessories/car seat covers with any of the Disney characters and/or Hello Kitty.
— You wear a shirt that shows your belly (this applies to both sexes).
— You have a victory dance.
— You know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby.
— It takes you more than 15 minutes to do your hair.
— You can’t pass a mirror without looking in it.
— You have a vanity plate on your car.
— You wear Uggs (double douche if you wear them with a mini-skirt).
— You can’t laugh at yourself.
— You drive a Hummer.
— You special order every time you’re at a restaurant.
— You wear socks with sandals.
— Your tan is the color of an Oompa Loompa.
— You have a tribal/barbed wire/some other language you don’t speak tattoo .
— Your dog has a wardrobe, a nanny and a regular playgroup.
— You wear skinny jeans (double douche if you look good in them).
— You call people older than you “kid.”
— You pop your collar.
— Your friends are all 10 years younger than you.
— You’ve done a shot of Jager in the last year.
— You drive a Camaro.
— You have a nickname that ends in “icious” or begins with “The.”
— You look/act/think like this guy:
Okay, my list is probably endless. I’ll have to add more later, or I’ll never get to work. What’s on your list?