Perpetually Peeved


Three strikes – you’re out!

Department of Torture operatives snuck in through the bathroom window again last night.  Yes, folks, I woke today to Shaggy interviewing some moron about something completely inconsequential to the world at large.  A Brevard County minor league baseball team has changed the name of “batting practice,” which they commonly refer to as “BP.” The team will now be warming up at “Hitting Rehearsal.”  I could not make this up if I tried.  The interview progressed in a fashion such that I got confused and thought maybe I was still sleeping and had started mixing Fox & Friends with Dumb & Dumber in my dream-like state. Here is what I THINK I heard…

Shaggy: So, dumb jock that managed to somehow get a job running a minor league baseball team, Mr. Smith, you are changing the name of “batting practice” to “hitting rehearsal” – what made you come up with this decision?

Smith:  Well, the way it came about was ironic, I was going over the schedule for “BP” and at the same time a news item about the BP oil spill came on.  And, I thought to myself, we need to change the name of batting practice.

Shaggy:  So, you thought that by changing the name of batting practice you could make an impact on…

Smith:  We just wanted to show our support, we are worried about the impact that the oil spill may have on our beaches here in Brevard County.

Shaggy: Now it is “hitting rehearsal” – is that right?

Smith: Yes, we started calling it that today.

Shaggy: [condescending laugh] Do your guys get dressed up for it?

Smith: Huh?

Shaggy: What if a sponsor that had the name “inning” were to be involved in a scandal?  Would you rename that?  Would you call it “passage of time?”

Smith: Well, we just wanted to show our support.  We didn’t take into effect what we would do if a sponsor was involved.  BP is not a sponsor.

Blah, blah, blah, [condescending laugh], yada, yada, yada.

Okay, folks, let’s ignore the tedious, “I’m going to try to make myself look smart by making you look stupid”-ness of  Shaggy.  Let’s focus on the real peeves here… 

STRIKE ONE:

Maybe the guy was too young to remember the Alanis Morrisette lesson in irony.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: If it was completely random that BP was on the news, if you wouldn’t have expected them to be on the news, then maybe ironic would have been an appropriate descriptor of the situation.  However, BP is so in the news that your ridiculous name change is even making it onto a national broadcast.  Moreover, you manage a baseball team.  It is not an uncommon or unexpected occurence for you to be looking at a line-up for batting practice.  Therefore, “coincidence” is the word you are looking for here, not “ironic.”

STRIKE 2:

Ah, the old, use a phrase with the wrong word.  Forgive the pun, but this drives me absolutely batty.  “Take into effect” is the most nonsensical word misappropriation I’ve heard in a long while.  Pay attention, Mr. Smith: The phrase is “take into account” – it means you didn’t consider it.  Apparently, you didn’t take into account how stupid you would look on national television if you misused a phrase.

STRIKE 3: 

You are the manager for the Brevard County Manatees.  There is a serious environmental and economic matter that is affecting a large portion of your country.  No one gives a shit what you call your batting practice.  Why don’t you do a fundraiser you fecking nimrod?

Off to do some batting practice hitting rehearsal on my TV.  Hope you all have a great day and find it in your heart to donate or do some other helpful piece for the crisis in the Gulf.




%d bloggers like this: