Perpetually Peeved

To-do or not To-do – How ’bout F.U.?

The only thing keeping pace with my expanding waistline is the ever-growing to-do list on my desk at home.  I swear it’s like gerbils.  You start with one and  – BAM! – immaculate conception – and there’s 30 the next time you look.  One thing leads to another and for each thing you cross off there are five more things to take its place.

You know what I feel like doing?  I feel like telling my to-do list to go shit in a hat.

Medical reimbursement forms – Really?  I have to print something out and sign it and put a stamp on it?  I can FB chat with my long-lost cousin who lives in an igloo in Alaska but the doctor’s office can’t electronically tell the insurance company that I got my eyes examined?  Hey vision plan, go sharpen a pencil, hold it in your hand real tight and go run some hurdles!

Comcast cancellation – Yes, Comcast, you suck.  You suck my time, you suck my energy and you suck my money straight out of my account.  I’m done with you.  Done.  Don’t try to offer me free HBO for 10 years or re-bundle my plan to trick me back into your lair.  I quit you.  So take your modem, your broken remotes that are never where I need them, and your lousy-ass cable box that always cuts out right in the middle of Glee and shove them all where the sun don’t shine! 

Back-to-school doctor’s exams – The kids are fine.  They aren’t bleeding, they aren’t crying and there are no protruding bones.  Why do I have to take them to the doctor?  So the school can have a sheet of paper?  So you can charge me a $95 “administrative” fee in addition to my co-pay and then tell me my kids need immunizations that you don’t provide because the insurance doesn’t pay you back and you can send me to the local health clinic where I can spend my entire day off waiting around with a bunch of people who don’t have health insurance so that my kid can get a shot and come out bleeding and crying?  No thank you.  How ’bout you stick that vaccination in your eye?  Because, I’d rather do that than waste my day making my kids cry.  I can do that on my own for much less money. 

Back to school shopping – No.  Please, God.  I’ll do anything.  Don’t make me take Biggie shopping.  Don’t.  I’ll be a good girl.  I promise.  Crap!  Fine then.  Hey, Abercrombie, Justice, American Eagle, Gap, Payless, why don’t you light a match and see how fast the toxic fume cloud from all the perfume you spray on your clothes goes up in flames?  It probably wouldn’t burn as fast as my money when I have to shop in your over-priced, stinky, loud, ill-staffed store.

Budget – We’ve had this talk before, budget.  It’s time for you to be more independent.  I shouldn’t have to watch you all the time.  It’s time for you to grow.  I’ve set up all the Excel formulas, all the direct deposits, all the automatic bill-pays.  Why can’t you handle this.  Must I do everything myself?  What do you mean I have to stop buying so many shoes?  What do you mean by “no more vintage dresses?”  We’re going to have issues budget.  Real issues.  Pack up your minuses and your red cells, get on your bathing suit and take a long walk off a short pier.  Because, I’m not doing without new shoes.  No way.  No how.

This is what it will look like when I'm to-done with it!

There, that’s better.  You should try it.  What to-do f.u. do you have?

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