Perpetually Peeved

What? I can’t hear you – I have a drill bit in my ear

What’s worse than someone drilling into your ears with a Mikita?  Someone NOT drilling into your ears with a Mikita and subjecting you to the musical selections of a pre-teen girl.  Please, put me out of my misery.  It’s like someone came up with a checklist:

Repeat the same verse over and over and over and over and over – CHECK!  AleAlejandro AleAlejandro… tonight’s gonna be a good night, tonight’s gonna be a good night… baby baby baby oohhh it’s like baby baby baby oohhh. (Everyone knows that children don’t listen to you unless you repeat yourself over and over and over and over.)

Misspell Words – CHECK! T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y, girl you tasty… (Hey, who cares if you made it past second grade, they’re singing YOUR song.)

Make Up Words – CHECK! Flossy, flossy (Can’t spell?  There’s a simple fix.  Make up your own words and no one can tell you you’re spelling them wrong.)

Get children to sing about inappropriate adult situations they should know nothing about – CHECK! Shorty is an eenie, meenie, minie moe lover… can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my poker face… London, London bridge is falling down… (The more nursery rhymes you can fit in, the better.  Everyone should pick their lovers the same way they pick their candy.  It’s important to have a good poker face when lying to your parents.  You mean she’s not talking about the bridge in London?  What is she talking about… oh… oh… what??)

Rhyme words that do not end with the same sound – CHECK! Sometimes I feel like I live in Grand Central Station, tonight I’m not takin’ no calls ’cause I’ll be dancin’… (If you pretend like you’re foreign or have a lisp, it is so much easier to rhyme. Oh, and a double negative always works if you need some extra syllables.)

Say your name in the song so they don’t forget who you are – CHECK! Jason Derulo!…  Ga Ga!… (In case they can’t read the posters, t-shirts, screensavers and myriad overpriced marketing materials they begged their parents for, you should say your name in the lyrics – maybe even more than once, they tend not to listen the first time.)

Some GENIUS (and I am, for once, not being sarcastic when I use this word), came out with this:  It will erase Justin Beiber from the web for you.  Um, does that come in Fergie and Lady Ga Ga?

Please, help… don’t forget your drill!

%d bloggers like this: