Perpetually Peeved


10 Things I learned in Texas

1.  Cockroaches and scrunchies.  When the world is over and the rest of us have been nuked to smithereens, there will still be cockroaches and scrunchies.

We can only pray that all the pink sundresses burn in the infernos.

2.  Not everyone can be good at geography.

Now I know why when people ask me where I'm from and I say "Long Island" they say - "Oh, New Jersey?" And, um, P.S. it's shaped like a fish, not a loaf of bread you accidently loaded the milk on top of.

 

3.  I am in Texas, right?  I thought you could carry a gun to Kindergarten in Texas.

Does the NRA know about this? Get Heston on the line, pronto.

4.  Cowboy boots are cool (and so am I).

Text exchange between me & Biggie…

Peeved:  I’m in Texas, what kind of souvenir do you want?

Biggie:  Cool Texas.  Bring me back either a v-neck t-shirt or some other cool thing

Peeved:  Cowgirl hat?

Biggie:  Nooooooo.  I have one. ummmm a cool back pack or something.

Biggie:  No…  I want a cute pair of heels!

Peeved:  How about a bright yellow pair of cowgirl boots?

Biggie:  Yes please.

Peeved:  Would you really wear them?

Biggie: Heck Yes.

Peeved:

Biggie:  Amazing!  I would so wear them.

Peeved:  You know I picked them out, right?  And that I think they’re cool, right?  Biggie…  This is MY daughter, Biggie, right?…

5.  Yep, everything is bigger in Texas all right.

Yes, folks, it is possible for a Shar-Pei and a human to breed. Put. It. Away.

6.  No, they are not paying you enough to wear that outfit.

At first I thought it was just your average atrocity. Then, I realized it was a uniform at one of those tourist dens down on the Riverwalk. Honey... ask for a raise. You certainly ain't going to make a living on tips in that getup.

7.  These people are one degree and five steps away from going rabid and ripping each others carotids out.

A) It’s 100 degrees outside

B) They have no stroller

C) They are wearing blue jeans

D) They are on a “family” vacation

I would have hung around for the show, but I didn’t want to get blood on my good shoes.

8.  It is actually possible to get sick of Mexican food.

There are only so many enchiladas a person can eat. Margaritas, on the other hand, I could drink for breakfast, lunch & dinner.

9.  Even the most comfortable shoes suck after an hour of walking.

These boots may be made for walking, but none of my shoes were. Thank goodness I brought the Pumas!

10.  Hot goose poop rivals two-day dead skunk for most offensive odor on the planet.

It only looks idyllic and odor-free.

For those of you who have been worried about me – thank you.  Smalls’ starts Kindergarten in a month, Biggie got a Facebook page and God finally gave us a puppy.  I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of me in the near future.  😉

Advertisements


Does this come with a breathalyzer?

Yum, yum, yum...

Okay, when I started this blog, I told you even I annoy myself.  Guess what?  I did it again this weekend.  There are few things worse than waking up with a margarita hangover.  One of those things, however, would have to be waking up with a margarita hangover and some new “art” that you purchased.  Beer goggles, indeed.

Why do I do this?  I drink and then feel the compulsion to shop for random things I do not need.  I went on a wine tour in California and we came upon this market.  At this market they sold the most “amazing” wide-brimmed hats that you could fold like origami and stick in your pocket.  When you took it out, it would regain its shape with no wrinkles.  Now, before you say, “Oh, that’s not bad” – my head is the size of a chestnut.  Seriously, I have a really small head.  I have to buy my glasses in the kids section.  I don’t do hats.  In addition to the hangover and fabulous new hat, I woke up the next morning with a camera full of photos of me with the ridiculous hat and some ridiculous sunglasses (I must have gotten a deal).  Nice friends, huh?

I’ve also gotten a pink purse (baby pink, not even something that could pass as funky) and, in Italy, the hat caper struck again.  This time I opted for a straw re-creation of Angelina Jolie’s hat in the changeling.  Yes, straw.  Yes, brim wider on one side than the other.  Yes, I have plenty of pictures.

Just like Angie, no?

On Saturday, I went to the art festival that they were having in town.  I volunteered in the morning with Biggie and Smalls and then we walked around a bit.  Naturally, I needed a beer or two to go with my corndog.  So, I was feeling good when I stumbled upon the modern Asian art booth and fell in love with this multi-media masterpiece.  And, by multi-media masterpiece I mean a granite slab painted black, covered with glitter, with two white cartoon stenciled piggies on it and enough shalack to give Crystal Gale a mohawk.  Really, though, it’s cute.  I don’t have a picture with me, but I’ll post the link to it on Craigslist once I do.

My debit card is expiring next month.  I think I’ll ask them if I can get the kind that comes with a breathalyzer attached.  Seriously.

In the spirit of Memorial Day, I would like to express my sincere gratitude to the men and women that serve our country and their families.  Without them, I would not have the freedom to peeve, the option to go hatless, or the right to make alcoholic cupcakes.

Margarita cupcake - Thanks for the recipe Thoughts Appear!




%d bloggers like this: