Filed under: General Peevery, Parenting | Tags: and they let you breed why?, annoying, children, department of torture, drive me up the wall, grating, mother, mother of the year, nervous breakdown, parenthood, parenting, peeve, pet peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, shopping, vent
I think whether parenthood is something planned or not, that most people go into it with good intentions. When people find out they are going to become parents they secretly think they are going to be the best parent ever.
Our parents? They knew nothing. I mean, they let us run around until the streetlights turned on. We would drive hours on the interstates with no seat belts and at least one sibling lying across the hump on the floor of the car. Baby teething? Slip him some whiskey. Teenager backtalking? Feed her some soap. Broke your arm? Quit crying or I’ll break the other one.
Yeah, I think most people’s’ visceral reaction to finding out they are going to have a child is, “I’m going to do it so much better than my parents did.”
So, what the heck happens?
Not too long ago, I was at the zoo with Biggie and Smalls. A lot of people had those cute little monkey leash backpacks for their children. Which, I will be honest, I’m not a huge fan of. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I just always held my kid’s hand or strapped them in the stroller. That wasn’t my problem, though. I understand why people have them. It’s a scary thing to bring a non-verbal, squirmy toddler out to a crowded place where they could disappear in a heartbeat. I get it. I still watch my 12-year-old go to the top of the driveway to get the mail. The thing that made me literally bite my tongue was the sight of a mother dragging her toddler behind her. Pulling away like she was towing a wagon or something. Um, lady, you dropped something. Oh wait, that’s YOUR KID! Cripies! I’m thinking she didn’t see a little pink plus sign on a stick and think, “I’m going to be the best mom ever. When little Timmy gets tired at the zoo, I won’t rent him a stroller, I’ll use my super-mommy strength to drag his ass from cage to cage.”
I was getting Smalls into the car at her daycare one day and was having a conversation with a woman who had a young son (about 4 years old or so). She was complaining about how he just wouldn’t sit still and he wouldn’t stop talking and he can’t pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds. As she’s saying this, she is loading him into a carseat positioned directly in front of a 10 inch DVD screen which she promptly turns on (with her remote start button). “It’s just so difficult,” she shouts over the cries of the Wiggles, “is it possible for a four-year old to be diagnosed with ADD?” No, darling, it isn’t any more possible than diagnosing his mother with a bad case of stupidity.
See that angelic four-year-old holding on fiercely to a freshly Clorox-Wipe’d shopping cart, minding her own business, humming a song for her mommy? Okay, now see that hooligan child lying on the ground kicking over the end cap display with her feet and mopping the dirty linoleum with her hair? Okay, now see that lady halfway across the store, seemingly by herself minding her own business and shopping? Isn’t she doing a great job of ignoring the toneless WA HA WA HA WA HA fake ambulance sound emitting from the mophead? She’s not even looking around like I was to see where in the world the little critter’s mother was. Hmmm… she must be shopping for mirrors.
And the nominees for Mother of the Year are…
Filed under: General Peevery, Media | Tags: annoying, bad boss, bloodsucking, drive me up the wall, eclipse, Edward Cullen, emmy, fox & Friends, freshly pressed, grating, hot topic, Jacob Black, kool-aid, mebuilding, mother of the year, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, pulitzer, rob pattinson, sarcastic, scientology, Stephenie Meyer, taylor lautner, team edward, team jacob, the secret, the short second life of bree tanner, twighlight, twilight, vampires, vent, wordpress
And, there I was off in the middle of a tizzy, running to go get the coffee.
I could have been in a fit because of it’s Twilight-related. However, I gave up on that a long time ago. The Twi-hards are mostly young impressionable girls and – let’s face it – Rob and Taylor are kind of hot (in a jailbait sort of way). Biggie is totally Team Edward and I’m resigned to it. I even waited outside of Hot Topic for 3 hours at the butt crack of dawn to get Biggie tickets to meet some of the lesser-known cast members. Mother of the Year award is hanging in my office. Thank you.
What threw me into a tizzy is a culmination of Fox & Friends, the mebuilding douche, a couple of Bad Bosses I know, and the Borders email. Who are these people? Where do they come from? How do they get to be successful? They aren’t anything special… no Emmys or Pulitzers in their future that’s for certain. So, how do these people with mediocre talent – at best – find themselves in positions of influence? I’m convinced it must be Scientology or the Secret.
What’s the Secret? I’m afraid to look at the website or the book too long, but I think it is the power of positive thinking. Making things happen in your life through thought. Well, I’m sorry, no matter how much Stephenie Meyer tells herself she can write – it ain’t working. I understand that she’s supposed to be writing for young adults, but I read everything Biggie does and this, folks, is drivel in comparison to almost all of it.
Yet, some poor shmucks are going to have to go to work at 11:30 at night and deal with three-hour lines of drooling teenagers so that she can make millions more.
This happens in real life too… we’ve all had that boss. You know, the one where you ask yourself at least two times a day, “How the hell did that dumbass get that job?” He’s the one that steals your ideas, takes credit for your work, can’t figure his way out of paper bag but is charged with running a department. How did he get that job? He told himself he deserved it. Then he told the hiring agent he deserved it. Could it really be that simple?
The mebuilding guy is 30. He’s lamenting on Twitter that he’s older than the Discovery Channel… yet, he thinks blogging about his path to change is going to empower people and affect “millions” of people’s lives. And, apparently WordPress seems to want to help him. Can I get some of that Kool-Aid? Of all the fabulous writing and content on this blogging network, that’s what gets featured?
I feel seriously depressed and repressed. I’m going to do a search for my local scientology center. I’m going to start telling myself how great I am. Maybe then I’ll get a promotion, a freshly pressed tag, a book deal and an appearance on Fox & Friends. Geez, I feel dumber already.
P.S. Stephenie – your momma spelled your name wrong!