Perpetually Peeved

Forget Scooby, Velma – Where are you?

I don’t know how or why, but there is some Department of Torture conspiracy group that keeps sneaking into my house and leaving Fox News on the television.  So, each morning, I wake up to the FOX & Friends show.  Also known as “non-animated Scooby-Doo, less the Velma” (at least, in my mind).  I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of watching this particular hour of crap, but I think I’d waste less brain cells if I watched a week long marathon of Rock of Love, Tool Academy and Jerseylicious.

Meet the cast (All photos lifted from courtesy of – go there to see them if you must):

This is Steve Doocy and if his name wasn’t enough of an indication of which Scooby character I equate him to, these ridiculous faces in his professional website header should do the trick.  Thank you Fox, you’ve made my punchline for me.

This is Gretchen Carlson.  She is the show’s equivalent of Daphne.  Her “feature” bio on the front page of says she, “was the first classical violinist to be crowned Miss America.”  Boy, can’t wait to hear what she has to say about healthcare reform and the economic crisis.  But, hey, she looks cute and has mastered the “serious” look after spending, I’m sure, hours practicing in front of the mirror.

This is Brian Kilmeade.  He is Shaggy to Doocy’s Scooby.  He has a major crush on Gretchen and although he doesn’t eat on set, I’m sure he’s smoking some dubes off camera.  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, non?

Photo courtesy of

And, here, folks is the special addition to the show.  John Stossel a/k/a Freddy.  You won’t get an ascot, but you will get a porn stash and a lot of pontificating and postulating without a whole lot of substance.

So, now that you’ve met the gang, let’s do a recap of this morning’s show (or, at least the portion I caught before I threw my book at the television because I couldn’t find the remote).

Daphne: Wow guys, Freddy is going to tell us if “going green” really makes any difference.  Isn’t that groovy?

Shaggy: Like, yeah, Daphne, groovy.

Scooby: Reh, roovy!

Freddy (in video clip of him riding bike in Manhattan):  I ride my bike to work every morning, but it’s all for nothing, gang.  See, I’ve solved the mystery.  Mr. Gore did it.  He made up stories about global warming and holes in the ozone and this crap called alternative fuel.  But, I’m onto him, gang.  He is going to be exposed for the manipulator he is.  I have proof.

  • Al Gore lives in a mansion.  He has to use a lot of energy if he has that big of a house.
  • Al Gore is involved in the Government.  The Government puts Energy Star ratings on appliances to fool the Public into thinking they are making an impact on the environment.  But, some Public interest group sent in a dishwasher with a feather-duster attached and it got an Energy Star sticker, so that must all be hog wash.
  • Even if I rode to work every day and saved a gallon of gas, the impact on the environment would be like taking out one grain of sand from a silo with THOUSANDS of grains.

Daphne: But, Freddy, all the cool kids are “going green” – is that not the cool thing to do?

Freddy: Oh, no Daphne.  They are all brainwashed – it’s like a secular cult.  They are lead to believe that they are making an impact.  But, the jokes on them.

Shaggy: Wow, like, good to know.

Scooby: Reh, rood to row.

Daphne: Thanks Freddy. Now let’s check out Fleet Week in New York.

Female Correspondent: I’m like totally sitting in a jet.  Isn’t that cool?  Okay, bye, I’m going to go fly this thing!

Daphne: Ooh, have fun.  You’re hair sure does look nifty.  Hope you didn’t get mascara on their goggles.

Female Correspondent: Well, that would be a first.

Shaggy: Like, I would hope so.

Scooby: Reh, I rould rope ro.

All right gang, shows over, let’s get back in the Time Mystery Machine and get back to the 50’s when it was okay to shit all over the environment and a woman could never fly a jet.

For the love of all that is holy, can we get a Velma in here?  Can she rip the mask off these balloon-head fucktards pundits and expose them for the fluff they are?  ‘Cause we’ve got a mystery to solve:  how do these people get their own show and who the hell watches this crap?

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