Perpetually Peeved

Dear Honda

(coming to you from somewhere in the endless state of North Carolina whose state motto, I’m pretty certain, is “get me the hell out of this car – I can’t feel my legs and am about to beat down the next person who asks ‘how much longer?'” For those not aware, I am road-tripping it to NY with Hubby, Smalls, sister (aJENda), her kids: Eight and Ten, and a masochistic 17 year old that volunteered to babysit in exchange for a week of real pizza.)

Dear Honda,

I understand that the economy has lead to depressed sales lately and concerns over the environment and rising gas prices have especially affected SUV purchases. I know some car companies are offering employee pricing, no interest or even buy one get one free deals. However, I have an idea for a deal no one would be able to refuse. I propose the Honda PAQ.

The Honda PAQ would have the same accoutrements as the Honda Pilot, with a few bonus “extras” to seal the deal.

1- a privacy screen between the driver avd the rest of the vehicle. You may or may not have seen these in limos. The driver and front passenger do not have to hear or see anything they don’t want to.

2- an intercom system between the driver and the back that is set to not transmit any sounds above a certain frequency (read: whining) and any sounds above a certain decibal (read: shouting). It would also have a built in question response identifier: Are We there yet? No, but thank you for asking. How much longer? We will be arriving at our destination in 6 hours, 7 minutes, thank you for your question. Where are we? We are still in the car, thank you for your question.

3- outlets next to each seat in the back so that Leapsters, DS’ and the like stay perpetually charged.

4- shock absorbing seat backs.

5- massaging seats for driver and front passenger.

6- “side” dividers / partitions between the rear seats that eliminate any confusion over where the “line” is.

7- a drain, with hose and funnel.

8- a built in coffee cup warmer.

9- an alarm that sounds any time the front seat passenger falls asleep.

10- a fully stocked bar for the poor adult that has to ride in the rear of privacy screen (again, see limo).

This, like all things named last in the Mastercard commercials, would be priceless. I am sure it would increase sales triple-fold. No rapping minivan families or other marketing ploys. Just “Honda, how much would you pay for some Peace and Quiet?”


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