Perpetually Peeved


10 Things I learned in Texas

1.  Cockroaches and scrunchies.  When the world is over and the rest of us have been nuked to smithereens, there will still be cockroaches and scrunchies.

We can only pray that all the pink sundresses burn in the infernos.

2.  Not everyone can be good at geography.

Now I know why when people ask me where I'm from and I say "Long Island" they say - "Oh, New Jersey?" And, um, P.S. it's shaped like a fish, not a loaf of bread you accidently loaded the milk on top of.

 

3.  I am in Texas, right?  I thought you could carry a gun to Kindergarten in Texas.

Does the NRA know about this? Get Heston on the line, pronto.

4.  Cowboy boots are cool (and so am I).

Text exchange between me & Biggie…

Peeved:  I’m in Texas, what kind of souvenir do you want?

Biggie:  Cool Texas.  Bring me back either a v-neck t-shirt or some other cool thing

Peeved:  Cowgirl hat?

Biggie:  Nooooooo.  I have one. ummmm a cool back pack or something.

Biggie:  No…  I want a cute pair of heels!

Peeved:  How about a bright yellow pair of cowgirl boots?

Biggie:  Yes please.

Peeved:  Would you really wear them?

Biggie: Heck Yes.

Peeved:

Biggie:  Amazing!  I would so wear them.

Peeved:  You know I picked them out, right?  And that I think they’re cool, right?  Biggie…  This is MY daughter, Biggie, right?…

5.  Yep, everything is bigger in Texas all right.

Yes, folks, it is possible for a Shar-Pei and a human to breed. Put. It. Away.

6.  No, they are not paying you enough to wear that outfit.

At first I thought it was just your average atrocity. Then, I realized it was a uniform at one of those tourist dens down on the Riverwalk. Honey... ask for a raise. You certainly ain't going to make a living on tips in that getup.

7.  These people are one degree and five steps away from going rabid and ripping each others carotids out.

A) It’s 100 degrees outside

B) They have no stroller

C) They are wearing blue jeans

D) They are on a “family” vacation

I would have hung around for the show, but I didn’t want to get blood on my good shoes.

8.  It is actually possible to get sick of Mexican food.

There are only so many enchiladas a person can eat. Margaritas, on the other hand, I could drink for breakfast, lunch & dinner.

9.  Even the most comfortable shoes suck after an hour of walking.

These boots may be made for walking, but none of my shoes were. Thank goodness I brought the Pumas!

10.  Hot goose poop rivals two-day dead skunk for most offensive odor on the planet.

It only looks idyllic and odor-free.

For those of you who have been worried about me – thank you.  Smalls’ starts Kindergarten in a month, Biggie got a Facebook page and God finally gave us a puppy.  I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of me in the near future.  😉

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And the loser is…

Here is what is wrong with our society. Driving in to work this morning, they had a contest on the radio.  In order to win the contest, you had to guess the answer to the following question: 

According to recent poll, besides food & money, what’s the #1 item you’d like a lifetime supply of? 

Hmm... Books? Well, no, because you basically get that at the library. Although, I do loathe to return them (as is evidenced by my $30 overdue balance).

I know, I know!!! SHOES!!!! Yes, please. Third wish on the genie lamp for me... unlimited shoes!

 No?  What else do I need in life besides good books, money, food, and shoes?  I’m stumped!  Okay, let me think what the average person would say…

I got it! Gas. As much as we'd like to hold out hope, I don't anticipate those corn cars going into production anytime soon. And, while we're at it, can I get a little full-service as well?

Not it?  Okay, I guess I’m being too practical.  Let me think more on the level of the average American.  Ah, yes, that’s my problem – I’m not being materialistic enough!

Fancy clothes?

Diamonds?

Enough sports cars to make Jay Leno drool? And enough accompanying vanity plates to make John Mayer cry?

 

...electronic pets? Toys?

No?  Hmm…  well, maybe I’m underestimating people.  What else is not a food, not money, but you would want an unlimited supply of?

BINGO! Skymiles...

... Embassy Suites rewards points?

... Unlimited admission tickets to aquariums, museums, parks and zoos throughout the world?

No?  Okee Dokee, not interested in traveling or learning about nature, other cultures or history. 

I give up.  Please, just tell me.  WHAT would Americans want a limitless supply of besides food and money?

 
A: Cable TV service! 

Yes, folks.  This is the problem with our society.  Forget A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, these people are only interested in A Potato Grows on the Couch. 

Which, is probably why they sell these at Toys R Us.



(Friday Bonus: Anti-peeve) If the shoe fits, buy it

It has come to my attention that this whole being a sarcastic kvetch every day thing may give some people the wrong impression of me.  (Yeah, I don’t get it either.)  So, I’ve decided to do a little “bonus post” on Fridays.  I’m going to give a little love to the anti-peeve – you know, the little things that make everything all better.  So, here we go…

I could have a morning where my cat died, a branch fell on my car and busted my windshield, the baby cried all the way to the daycare while i was driving behind a fat guy on a bike only to get to work and have a shit ton of someone else’s crap to do – yet, if I went to DSW on my lunch hour and there was a pair of hot shoes in the clearance section in my size – screw Calgon and chocolate, I’d be one happy B. 

That may explain why I have about 60 pairs of shoes and a plethora of DSW rewards points.  Oopsie.




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