Perpetually Peeved

Is that a banana seat in your ass or are you just trying to piss me off?

Bicycles.  Just the word makes me cringe.  So, I’ve decided to come up with my own rules of the road for cyclists:

1.  Don’t drive on the street.  You are NOT as fast as a car.  If I wanted to get where I was going at 14 miles an hour, I would have hitched a trailer to the back of your bike.

2.  Don’t wear spandex.  I don’t need to know the size of the nuts you’re bruising and it doesn’t make you any faster than the other dumbasses who aren’t wearing it.

3.  Don’t bother with the hand signals.  Only you rejects know what the hell they mean.  You’re just distracting me and I’m more likely to accidentally “tap” you with my car.

4.  Follow the rules of the road.  If you insist upon riding in the street like a car, then obey the rules of the road.  If I speed up and finally get around you, don’t blow through the red light so I have to do it all over again.

5.  Don’t admire each others paint jobs.  Cyclists are like women who need to pee, they’re rarely alone.  If you are riding with a partner, don’t ride next to each other.  You’re just tempting me to kill two birds with one stone.

Finally, for the newbies out there (car break down, DUI?): 

6.  Get in shape before you start riding.  If your ass is three times the width of the bicyle seat, you shouldn’t be riding one.

Just so I’m not picking on cyclists too much, there are worse things.  Like when you are stuck behind a car that is stuck behind two cyclists and is too chickenshit to pass them, so decides to drive 10 miles an hour while straddling two lanes.  Took this shot on my way home today.  It’s a little blurry because the road rage triggered my Tourette’s.


They drove like this for a good half mile.

%d bloggers like this: