Perpetually Peeved

Masochism [mas-uh-kiz-uhm]:

1. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
3. Volunteering to take your 12-year-old Secret Torture Agent to the mall to spend her birthday money (and bringing your 4-year-old Jr. Secret Torture Agent with you).

Okay, so dictionary.com only lists #1 & #2.  But, obviously someone over there has never attempted #3.

Last night I ventured out to suburbia to let Biggie spend some of her birthday and graduation gift certificates.  I will let you guess how long it took for her to spend $325 in two stores.   A hint:  the girl knows what she wants. After the first stop on the torture tour, Justice, where we purchased everything from clothes to mood change nail polish to ZuZu pets** (for Smalls), we headed on over to Abercrombie (the kids version of Abercrombie & Fitch).  At Abercrombie, they sell underwear shorts.

Abercrombie underwear, I mean... shorts.

Now, I understand that at the ripe old age of 33 that I am an unhip curmudgeon by pre-teen standards, but WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY THINKING?  Parents are up in arms about Miley Cyrus (who is 18) gyrating on stage and singing about how she can’t be tamed, but it is okay to market this apparel to pre-teen girls?  The inseam on these shorts has to be less than an inch and they are super low-rise.  And, they come in a size 7. 7!

Me:  No way! Those are ludicris! Biggie, you have underwear bigger than those shorts.

Biggie: Ew! No! Maybe YOU have underwear bigger than those shorts. [eye roll, hand wave, head twist]

Me: We need to get you bigger underwear.

We left the mall, sans underwear shorts and were all starving.  Where to go in suburbia when you want a good meal?  Steak-n-Shake, of course.  They were all out of “regular” cups, so we received our milkshakes in “large” cups.  Now, there is a saying in our household when food is served in a ridiculous portion.  We say, “it was bigger than my head.”  As in, “The burger was so big.  It was bigger than my head.”

I would say about a head and a half.

I don’t even think Jaba the Hut has a bladder that big.  But, at least now I know how I can keep Biggie out of the underwear shorts.

Me:  Biggie, that milkshake is bigger than those shorts.

Biggie:  Yeah, it is. [fit of giggles]

Me: We need to get you bigger milkshakes more often.

**For those of you not in the know (lucky bastards), ZuZu Pets are electronic hamsters that make noises and roll around the house.  They are very realistic, as somehow the ONE I allowed Smalls to get turned into FOUR in the time it took me to pick out a t-shirt for Biggie.  I bet they also come with a squeaky wheel and an auto-setting for “nocturnal.”  Damn Department of Torture, they are inventive.