Perpetually Peeved


Spam is only good in fried rice

It’s true.  Spam fried rice is actually pretty amazing.  Spam of the email variety, however, is not. I feel like my mailbox, my inbox, my life is full of spam.  

What do you mean no one really wants to reconnect with me on Classmates.com?  But the email said…

Now, I have one more way to get spam… in my comments box at WordPress.  Luckily, they have a filter that catches them for you.  But, still, it is so disappointing when you think you have a legit comment and it’s spam. I was going through said filter and came across this.  It was so classic, I almost approved it.  Then I thought, why put out a potentially harmful virus for the sake of a good laugh?  I’ll just convert it to a picture.  Because, really, I want to find this person and hang out with them.  

Best. Spam. Ever. (that is not mixed in with rice, egg and peas)

Scottish porn, Kristin Chenoweth nude, amateur microkini, adult diaper tights, fifths disease and adult symptoms, mature brotha lovers, pregnant women on antidepressants, and adult match maker Australia.  If you throw in some jello shots, it sounds a lot like a party I had back in college.  

The spam discovery prompted me to further investigate the stats available on WordPress.  My new favorite hobby:  looking to see what search terms land people on this page.  

 

1.  This is why you need to google yourself to see what comes up. 

2.  We are probably not going to get along. 

3.a and 3.b  Who knew acrostic poetry was so popular? 

4.  Wait, let me guess… it’s on his back. 

5.a and 5.b  My gift to you: www.dictionary.com  – how do you get perpetually right and not peeve? 

Apparently, I’m a dirty bird – 3 hits for trucks that make your penis look big and 4 sex-related search terms.  Oh, and Scooby porn?  What?  My gift to you: http://www.goodtherapy.org/.



Bumper Stumpers Revisited

Remember that cheesy game show Bumper Stumpers?  Well, I freaking sucked at it.  Majorly.  So besides the fact that vanity plates are a telltale sign of douchery, I also hate them because they make me feel stupid.  I don’t get it.  Isn’t the point of a vanity plate to say something about yourself?  I mean, after all, it’s not like you’re driving behind yourself reading it.  It’s like getting a tattoo on your back – it’s not for your own enjoyment. 

Ever since I started carrying my camera in my car console, I’ve seen a million of these.  I’ve figured out maybe 2 (and those weren’t very hard).  Here are some of the one’s I’ve seen – can you help alleviate my peeve and let me know what YOU think these mean? 

This is one I figured out. But, admittedly, not before trying to remember whether loride was an element on the periodic table. (PS - this guy gets a double douche for non-vintage vette and vanity plate)

I'm still vacillating between Totally Tedious Douche and an advert for a new strain of venereal disease.

Really, you had to get a vanity plate for this? Surely, I'm missing a double entendre here...

You are a 12-month-old and someone just asked you if you need anything from the store? This one REALLY boggles me. I'm losing sleep over it.

Dick-Wad, Re-Waddable???

Sorry, the vanity plate name you have selected is already in use. We suggest: SEK1.

Either you really can't spell, or you just came up with a brilliant alternative to FUCKIT.

Oh - Oh - I get it! You're like Michelle Obama with a stutter.

Okay, I know it's not a vanity plate, but WTF? Has Shrek become a spokesperson for AT&T, moved to Georgia and purchased a used truck? I'm afraid to Google it.

Okay, readers (all 2 of you), break out your Secret Society Decoder pins.  I expect your insights here!



Rollin’ in my 5.0

One night my brother-in-law and I stumbled upon the comic genius of Jim Jeffries.  If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying this foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, please google (or bing! or whatever) him and watch some of his videos (NSFW!).  His favorite word is the “c” word — you know the one you can only get away with saying if you have an Australian accent?  Well, he calls everyone the c-word and he does a bit where he says, “you know you’re a c-word if…” ala that redneck comedian guy who I don’t think is smarter than a fifth grader. 

I’m still basking in the glory of the three-day weekend, so I thought we would borrow a page from Mr. Jeffries book and have fun with peeves today.  Douches are my favorite peeve, because while they totally get on my nerves, I also find them thoroughly entertaining in that search-the-internet-for-the-crime-scene-photos-because-you-have-a-bad-case-of-morbid-curiosity way.  Let’s play an interactive game of You Know You’re a Douche If.  I’ll start.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section.  

— You still use the word “dude” on a regular basis. 

— You wear Ed Hardy. 

— You take up two spaces when you park. 

— You know how to fist pump. 

— You are over the age of 12 and you own clothing/accessories/car seat covers with any of the Disney characters and/or Hello Kitty. 

—  You wear a shirt that shows your belly (this applies to both sexes). 

—  You have a victory dance. 

—  You know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby. 

—  It takes you more than 15 minutes to do your hair. 

—  You can’t pass a mirror without looking in it. 

—  You have a vanity plate on your car. 

Yes, 1k fold douche. Congrats.

 

—  You wear Uggs (double douche if you wear them with a mini-skirt). 

—  You can’t laugh at yourself. 

—  You drive a Hummer. 

—  You special order every time you’re at a restaurant. 

—  You wear socks with sandals. 

—  Your tan is the color of an Oompa Loompa. 

—  You have a tribal/barbed wire/some other language you don’t speak tattoo . 

—  Your dog has a wardrobe, a nanny and a regular playgroup. 

—  You wear skinny jeans (double douche if you look good in them). 

—  You call people older than you “kid.” 

—  You pop your collar. 

—  Your friends are all 10 years younger than you. 

—  You’ve done a shot of Jager in the last year. 

—  You drive a Camaro. 

— You have a nickname that ends in “icious” or begins with “The.” 

—  You look/act/think like this guy: 

photo courtesy of poponthepop.com

 

Okay,  my list is probably endless.  I’ll have to add more later, or I’ll never get to work.  What’s on  your list?




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