Perpetually Peeved

The Upside to Teenage Vampire Offspring

Biggie and I volunteered at the PTA pumpkin sale on Sunday.  To attract customers to the sale, she dressed up as a vampire and danced around the roadside with a sign.

Biggie:  So, wouldn’t it be cool to have a vampire as your kid?

Peeved:  No.

Biggie:  Why not?

Peeved:  Because then you could torture me for eternity.

Biggie:  No.  I could only torture you for the rest of your life.  You’d still be mortal.


The other upsides to having teenage vampire offspring?

  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting hurt.
  • You wouldn’t have to pester them to make their bed (they don’t even need beds).
  • You wouldn’t have to feed them (and if you did, they could order the kid’s meal for eternity).
  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting sunburned.
  • You wouldn’t have to drive them everywhere (they could just run everywhere real fast).
  • They don’t stand in front of the mirror for hours looking at themselves and dancing (ha – they have no reflections).
  • You wouldn’t have to pay for orthodontia – so what if that canine sticks up a little bit?
  • They can’t have pets.
  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting pregnant. (My husband’s personal favorite.)
  • The threat level of a wooden spoon would suddenly skyrocket.

Come to think of it, Biggie would rather be a zombie...

And the loser is…

Here is what is wrong with our society. Driving in to work this morning, they had a contest on the radio.  In order to win the contest, you had to guess the answer to the following question: 

According to recent poll, besides food & money, what’s the #1 item you’d like a lifetime supply of? 

Hmm... Books? Well, no, because you basically get that at the library. Although, I do loathe to return them (as is evidenced by my $30 overdue balance).

I know, I know!!! SHOES!!!! Yes, please. Third wish on the genie lamp for me... unlimited shoes!

 No?  What else do I need in life besides good books, money, food, and shoes?  I’m stumped!  Okay, let me think what the average person would say…

I got it! Gas. As much as we'd like to hold out hope, I don't anticipate those corn cars going into production anytime soon. And, while we're at it, can I get a little full-service as well?

Not it?  Okay, I guess I’m being too practical.  Let me think more on the level of the average American.  Ah, yes, that’s my problem – I’m not being materialistic enough!

Fancy clothes?


Enough sports cars to make Jay Leno drool? And enough accompanying vanity plates to make John Mayer cry?


...electronic pets? Toys?

No?  Hmm…  well, maybe I’m underestimating people.  What else is not a food, not money, but you would want an unlimited supply of?

BINGO! Skymiles...

... Embassy Suites rewards points?

... Unlimited admission tickets to aquariums, museums, parks and zoos throughout the world?

No?  Okee Dokee, not interested in traveling or learning about nature, other cultures or history. 

I give up.  Please, just tell me.  WHAT would Americans want a limitless supply of besides food and money?

A: Cable TV service! 

Yes, folks.  This is the problem with our society.  Forget A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, these people are only interested in A Potato Grows on the Couch. 

Which, is probably why they sell these at Toys R Us.

Edward Cullen almost got me knifed

So, I’ve admittedly read all the Twilight series and have seen the movies.  Biggie is a huge fan, so I HAD to, right?  Well, my sister, let’s call her aJENda…  somehow coerced me (READ: bought the tickets and told me I’m going) into going to the Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse movie marathon last night.  Seven. Hours. Of. Twitardedness.  On a Tuesday night.  Not only did I not get home until 3 in the morning, I think I lost a brain cell for every time Jacob took his shirt off.  I’m plum out.  Thank goodness for Wake up Wednesdays and aspirin. 

After grabbing some to-go drinks (Red Hot Ryes – yum) and heading to the theater, we arrived to find there are absolutely no rows with 4 seats left together.  Except for two.  The very first row, where you would have to sit with your neck craned like Rainman for 7 hours and the row of empty seats that a woman is “holding” for her friends.  Really?  First of all, there not really your friends if they send you to the movie early to save seats all by yourself.  I bet you’re the designated driver a lot, too.  Secondly, no way in hell I’m sitting like Dustin Hoffman with a mental disorder for seven hours.  Why do people think it’s okay to do things like this?

So, we do what any normal loud-mouthed bitches would do.  We get the manager and stand in the corner telling her off while she negotiates with said manager.  She tries stalling, “I ordered popcorn, where’s my popcorn?”  Who gives a crap, now move.  “They’re outside buying tickets.”  The show is sold out, nice try.  “They’re actually still in the car, turning into the lot.”  Bitch, please.

So, there she goes… to the front row.  Victory!  Except, she’s kind of staring us down.  All of a sudden I feel like we’re in a scene from Real Houswives of New Jersey.  She is totally Danielle.  We are the cute ones.  Her friends arrived 20 minutes after she moved.  One of them was a dude.  He must really want to get laid. 

I digress.  Okay, so a couple of buckets of beer, some of this:

I need to go to confession... surely, if anyone would be sympathetic to jail-bait thoughts...

a bunch of dirty looks to the grown-ass woman talking to the screen (“Bella – Noooooooooo!”  when she kisses Jacob) a quick nap (what, the last movie didn’t start ’til midnight and I’m getting old dammit!) later, it was time to go to the bathroom.  dun! dun! dun!  I brought my bottle with me, just in case.  But, alas, no skirmish.  They must be saving it for the parking lot.

Which was precisely why we hightailed it the heck out of there once the screen went dark.

So, near-fatal knifing incident, 3 hours of sleep and a Heinekin hangover — was it worth it? 

If you’re Team Edward (or, a pedophile) it was.

[And, yes, those are real screenshots from last night.  And, yes, I texted them to Biggie to rub in the fact that I got to watch Eclipse first.  I was on a Counter-Torturism mission!]

Bloodsucking Secret Scientologists are Eating your Brains

I was going to write on a completely different topic today, but I was waiting for the coffee to brew and decided to check my mail first.  Here is what I found:

And, there I was off in the middle of a tizzy, running to go get the coffee.

I could have been in a fit because of it’s Twilight-related.  However, I gave up on that a long time ago.  The Twi-hards are mostly young impressionable girls and – let’s face it – Rob and Taylor are kind of hot (in a jailbait sort of way).  Biggie is totally Team Edward and I’m resigned to it.  I even waited outside of Hot Topic for 3 hours at the butt crack of dawn to get Biggie tickets to meet some of the lesser-known cast members. Mother of the Year award is hanging in my office.  Thank you.

What threw me into a tizzy is a culmination of Fox & Friends, the mebuilding douche, a couple of Bad Bosses I know, and the Borders email.  Who are these people?  Where do they come from?  How do they get to be successful?  They aren’t anything special…  no Emmys or Pulitzers in their future that’s for certain.  So, how do these people with mediocre talent – at best – find themselves in positions of influence?  I’m convinced it must be Scientology or the Secret.

What’s the Secret?  I’m afraid to look at the website or the book too long, but I think it is the power of positive thinking.  Making things happen in your life through thought.  Well, I’m sorry, no matter how much Stephenie Meyer tells herself she can write – it ain’t working.  I understand that she’s supposed to be writing for young adults, but I read everything Biggie does and this, folks, is drivel in comparison to almost all of it.

Yet, some poor shmucks are going to have to go to work at 11:30 at night and deal with three-hour lines of drooling teenagers so that she can make millions more.

This happens in real life too…  we’ve all had that boss.  You know, the one where you ask yourself at least two times a day, “How the hell did that dumbass get that job?”  He’s the one that steals your ideas, takes credit for your work, can’t figure his way out of paper bag but is charged with running a department.  How did he get that job?  He told himself he deserved it.  Then he told the hiring agent he deserved it.  Could it really be that simple?

The mebuilding guy is 30.  He’s lamenting on Twitter that he’s older than the Discovery Channel… yet, he thinks blogging about his path to change is going to empower people and affect “millions” of people’s lives. And, apparently WordPress seems to want to help him.  Can I get some of that Kool-Aid? Of all the fabulous writing and content on this blogging network, that’s what gets featured?

I feel seriously depressed and repressed.  I’m going to do a search for my local scientology center.  I’m going to start telling myself how great I am.  Maybe then I’ll get a promotion, a freshly pressed tag, a book deal and an appearance on Fox & Friends.  Geez, I feel dumber already.

P.S.   Stephenie – your momma spelled your name wrong!

%d bloggers like this: