Perpetually Peeved


The Upside to Teenage Vampire Offspring

Biggie and I volunteered at the PTA pumpkin sale on Sunday.  To attract customers to the sale, she dressed up as a vampire and danced around the roadside with a sign.

Biggie:  So, wouldn’t it be cool to have a vampire as your kid?

Peeved:  No.

Biggie:  Why not?

Peeved:  Because then you could torture me for eternity.

Biggie:  No.  I could only torture you for the rest of your life.  You’d still be mortal.

*****

The other upsides to having teenage vampire offspring?

  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting hurt.
  • You wouldn’t have to pester them to make their bed (they don’t even need beds).
  • You wouldn’t have to feed them (and if you did, they could order the kid’s meal for eternity).
  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting sunburned.
  • You wouldn’t have to drive them everywhere (they could just run everywhere real fast).
  • They don’t stand in front of the mirror for hours looking at themselves and dancing (ha – they have no reflections).
  • You wouldn’t have to pay for orthodontia – so what if that canine sticks up a little bit?
  • They can’t have pets.
  • You wouldn’t have to worry about them getting pregnant. (My husband’s personal favorite.)
  • The threat level of a wooden spoon would suddenly skyrocket.

Come to think of it, Biggie would rather be a zombie...

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Wednesday “What the…?”

Welcome back, folks, for another round of “Wednesday What the…?”  Same beach, different flotsam.  Let’s see what kind of wreckage I’ve found for you.  

1.  What the… are you selling?   

This isn't a specials board, it's a "special" board.

Did you ever have an idea in your head and while it remained there, it was the best idea ever but then the minute you shared it, it didn’t sound like such a good idea anymore?  Um, yeah.  Some marketing genius had that happen to them, but no one clued them in before they made this pretty little sign up.  Let’s move past the glaring “$5 Bang Wednesdays” – except, really?  Let’s ask ourselves, “If it’s happy hour “all day every day” then why am I only getting a “bang” on Wednesdays?”  Then, let’s ask ourselves, “What the hell does a bowl of dogfood have to do with happy hour?”  I mean, if that’s not dogfood, I don’t know what is.  WTF Our Marketing People Had a Couple Happy Hours Prior to Coming Up With This Brilliance?   

Speaking of wasted:  

  

Saw this at lunch today.  It was a table display in the middle of the waiting area at a fast-food salad type place.  You know what I never understood?  Why people would put bad pictures of their food on their menus.  This goes beyond that.  This is not going to convince anyone to buy that plate of food.  Catfish smells even when it’s fresh.  How long are you going to let that sit there?  Moreover, there are thousands of people and children who are homeless and hungry in our city.  WTF Let’s Waste Perfectly Good Food Just Because We Want to Sell More Overpriced Salads?  

2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

 

This is an oldie but goody.  I was out at a suburban bar one night, which if you’ve never been, man – are they entertaining. One of the most entertaining things to do there is try to covertly take pictures of what I like to call “subfashion.”  See, out in the ‘burbs, they have a whole different sense of style.  It’s a little trying-too-hard, with a dash of 80’s and a sprinkle of the-fumes-from-the-nail-salon-have-burned-too-many-of-my-brain-cells.  So, here I was, minding my own business, sipping on my Sierra Nevada (which is the closest thing you can get to real beer in the ‘burbs) when all of a sudden THIS walks by.  THIS is the lady in the orange shirt.  I use the terms lady and shirt loosely here.  What may have been a shirt at one time is now sliced open down to her butt crack and tied together at the nape of her neck.  Well, hello back fat!  The best part?  It’s hard to tell in this photo, but she is wearing a bra.  Not a backless bra, a regular old tan-colored bra.  Yes, the strap is clearly exposed.  Let’s keep our undergarments UNDER and leave the designing to the DESIGNERS, eh?  WTF Ms. I Like Back Fat and I Cannot Lie?  

3.  What the… is that?   

  

  

There is a national campaign against meth.  Apparently just saying no is not enough anymore.  They have to use scare tactics and gross-outs to make their point.  Billboards displaying nasty, grimy restrooms say things like, “NO ONE THINKS THEY’LL LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY HERE. METH WILL CHANGE THAT.”  There are testimonials on the radio with young people talking about their teeth falling out and their best friends dying.  I get the point.  I understand the importance, but is there not a more tactful way to do this?  It’s like the pro-life truck with the graphics splashed all across it shouting at everyone from the freeway.  It doesn’t leave me feeling educated, it makes me want to vomit. You try explaining to a 4-year-old why there’s a bleeding baby on that truck.  WTF Was Wrong With Just Say No?  

 4.  What the… school do you go to?   

  

This past weekend, Biggie had a friend sleep over our house.  We were sitting in the living room, studying Biology because neither of the girls did well on their tests and the teacher was letting them do a make-up test.  Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local farm-to-table restaurant with a friend and the study of life sciences brought to mind something she had shared.  

Peeved:  Girls, do you know what I found out today?  When a chicken lays an egg, it’s not fertilized.  So, they really aren’t going to be baby chickens.  

Biggie:  They aren’t?  

Peeved:  No.  Isn’t that crazy?  I never knew that.  The rooster comes around afterwards and fertilizes them.  

Biggie:  Interesting.  So, I’m not eating an unborn baby chicken when I have eggs?  Good to know.  

Peeved:  Yeah, but what I can’t figure out… how does the rooster fertilize the eggs without breaking them?  

Biggie:  He probably just goes over and poops on them.  

Peeved:  Poops on them?  What?  Biggie you are so weird.  

Biggie:  Yes, he probably goes and takes a big crap on them.  That’s what fertilizer is, isn’t it?  Poop?  

Peeved:  You are SO going to those sex education classes they have at school.  

WTF Does the Rooster Do To Fertilize Those Eggs Anyway?  

 5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?   

 

Where exactly would these be appropriate attire? Do they come with a matching neon orange hat and a multi-color handbag with “STOP” written on the red side and “SLOW” written on the orange side?  WTF Inspired You To Make These Shoes – Paris Hilton on Adopt-A-Highway Community Service Duty? 

 6.  What the… is wrong with you? 

Fine.  You watch True Blood.  It’s a good show.  However, there are three things you should never do in life:  a) put a bumper sticker on your car; b) admit that you are obsessed with vampires and c) borrow your girlfriend’s car if she has violated edicts a) and b) noted previously.  Yes, folks, that was a man driving that car.  WTF Mr. You May Want to Ask For a Bike For Christmas?



And the loser is…

Here is what is wrong with our society. Driving in to work this morning, they had a contest on the radio.  In order to win the contest, you had to guess the answer to the following question: 

According to recent poll, besides food & money, what’s the #1 item you’d like a lifetime supply of? 

Hmm... Books? Well, no, because you basically get that at the library. Although, I do loathe to return them (as is evidenced by my $30 overdue balance).

I know, I know!!! SHOES!!!! Yes, please. Third wish on the genie lamp for me... unlimited shoes!

 No?  What else do I need in life besides good books, money, food, and shoes?  I’m stumped!  Okay, let me think what the average person would say…

I got it! Gas. As much as we'd like to hold out hope, I don't anticipate those corn cars going into production anytime soon. And, while we're at it, can I get a little full-service as well?

Not it?  Okay, I guess I’m being too practical.  Let me think more on the level of the average American.  Ah, yes, that’s my problem – I’m not being materialistic enough!

Fancy clothes?

Diamonds?

Enough sports cars to make Jay Leno drool? And enough accompanying vanity plates to make John Mayer cry?

 

...electronic pets? Toys?

No?  Hmm…  well, maybe I’m underestimating people.  What else is not a food, not money, but you would want an unlimited supply of?

BINGO! Skymiles...

... Embassy Suites rewards points?

... Unlimited admission tickets to aquariums, museums, parks and zoos throughout the world?

No?  Okee Dokee, not interested in traveling or learning about nature, other cultures or history. 

I give up.  Please, just tell me.  WHAT would Americans want a limitless supply of besides food and money?

 
A: Cable TV service! 

Yes, folks.  This is the problem with our society.  Forget A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, these people are only interested in A Potato Grows on the Couch. 

Which, is probably why they sell these at Toys R Us.



Bite me, please

No, really.  If there are any legit vamps out there, please come to my house and bite me.  Sure, I would have to live forever with daily peeves, and I would be a little pale, but I already deal with both those things on a regular basis.  Besides, it would all be worth it if I never had to worry about appearing in a single picture ever again.

I’m not saying I don’t like any pictures that are taken of me, I just despise 99.5% of them.  Because, 99.5% of them look like someone re-sized without locking the aspect ratio (i.e. I look like I’ve gained 20 pounds).  I apparently also have blowfish in my genes because everytime the shutter of a camera closes, the skin beneath my chin inflates to twice it’s normal size.  I swear, I do not look like the Fat Bastard from Austin Powers when I check myself out in the mirror, but lo and behold, when the pictures come back the resemblemce is scary.

Photo courtesy of liveauctioneers.com

There are so many stupid laws out in universe, I think we should add another.  Because, while it isn’t a matter of national security, I have an ego to protect.  No one should be allowed to post pictures of me without my permission.  They certainly should not be allowed to tag them and post them to Facebook for the world to see.  Especially not without context.  Take, for example, the lovely picture of me below where it would appear I am picking my nose. My sister posted this on Facebook.

I won’t even try to explain the context because it was one of those things that was only funny if you were there.  It may or may not have something to do with the Sierra Nevada in the foreground.  Regardless, my family, friends and high school stalkers don’t need to see it.  Thankyouverymuch.

The law would extend to group photos as well.  I don’t care if it’s the best picture ever taken of you.  If I have my eyes closed or crossed, my arms look like flounders or I look like I just smelled a fart, you are restricted from ever letting anyone see the photo.  Certainly, you should not frame it and put it in your living room or make it your avatar just because you look cute.  Cut yourself out.  Having a framed photo of yourself is bad, but not nearly as bad as having a framed photo of you looking cute while your friend looks like a pre-surgery Kathy Griffin on a bender.

Oh, wait, that's Carrot Top. Is that joke old yet? I think not. (Photo from http://meatcandy.wordpress.com/2009/06/, which I am glad I stumbled across).

Speaking of benders, the fines will double if you post and tag a picture of me out drinking.  You never know if I had a “doctor’s appointment” conveniently scheduled for the next morning.  Also, chances are if I’m drinking, I’m also wearing some form of embarrassing attire.

What do you mean vampires can’t eat?  I’m out.  I’ll just go start an online petition for that privacy law.  If you don’t like it, bite me.



Bloodsucking Secret Scientologists are Eating your Brains

I was going to write on a completely different topic today, but I was waiting for the coffee to brew and decided to check my mail first.  Here is what I found:

And, there I was off in the middle of a tizzy, running to go get the coffee.

I could have been in a fit because of it’s Twilight-related.  However, I gave up on that a long time ago.  The Twi-hards are mostly young impressionable girls and – let’s face it – Rob and Taylor are kind of hot (in a jailbait sort of way).  Biggie is totally Team Edward and I’m resigned to it.  I even waited outside of Hot Topic for 3 hours at the butt crack of dawn to get Biggie tickets to meet some of the lesser-known cast members. Mother of the Year award is hanging in my office.  Thank you.

What threw me into a tizzy is a culmination of Fox & Friends, the mebuilding douche, a couple of Bad Bosses I know, and the Borders email.  Who are these people?  Where do they come from?  How do they get to be successful?  They aren’t anything special…  no Emmys or Pulitzers in their future that’s for certain.  So, how do these people with mediocre talent – at best – find themselves in positions of influence?  I’m convinced it must be Scientology or the Secret.

What’s the Secret?  I’m afraid to look at the website or the book too long, but I think it is the power of positive thinking.  Making things happen in your life through thought.  Well, I’m sorry, no matter how much Stephenie Meyer tells herself she can write – it ain’t working.  I understand that she’s supposed to be writing for young adults, but I read everything Biggie does and this, folks, is drivel in comparison to almost all of it.

Yet, some poor shmucks are going to have to go to work at 11:30 at night and deal with three-hour lines of drooling teenagers so that she can make millions more.

This happens in real life too…  we’ve all had that boss.  You know, the one where you ask yourself at least two times a day, “How the hell did that dumbass get that job?”  He’s the one that steals your ideas, takes credit for your work, can’t figure his way out of paper bag but is charged with running a department.  How did he get that job?  He told himself he deserved it.  Then he told the hiring agent he deserved it.  Could it really be that simple?

The mebuilding guy is 30.  He’s lamenting on Twitter that he’s older than the Discovery Channel… yet, he thinks blogging about his path to change is going to empower people and affect “millions” of people’s lives. And, apparently WordPress seems to want to help him.  Can I get some of that Kool-Aid? Of all the fabulous writing and content on this blogging network, that’s what gets featured?

I feel seriously depressed and repressed.  I’m going to do a search for my local scientology center.  I’m going to start telling myself how great I am.  Maybe then I’ll get a promotion, a freshly pressed tag, a book deal and an appearance on Fox & Friends.  Geez, I feel dumber already.

P.S.   Stephenie – your momma spelled your name wrong!




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